I agree with both Allen and Newmama. You're getting GREAT advice here, MB!!
It's always the "Catch-22" challenge of affairs, that wayward spouses can't see hope for their marriage while they are still in the affair, and because they DON'T feel hope, they don't want to END the affair! The steps that Allen lays out make perfect sense.
MB28 do NOT send him to a therapist unless you are POSITIVE they will HELP HIM... MANY do DAMAGE..do NOT send him blind to a therapist you do NOT TRUST COMPLETELY...
SERIOUSLY... this is VERY VERY VERY IMPORTANT... Make sure you know EXACTLY what that therapist is giong to say and DO BEFORE he GETS there...
If they are going to make things worse, you need to KNOW so you can CANCEL the appointment...
MANY therapists will just make things WORSE.. PLEASE do not send him blindly to a therapist who has NOT read GLASS... THis is VERY IMPORTANT that you konw HOW the therapist is going to handle the session.. do NOT TRUST your therapist anymore than your husband!!!
have your THERAPIST watch that video.. and if you like them give thema copy of Not Just Friends to read... do NOT just drop your Husband in your therapists lap and expect good things to happen..it doens't work that way unfortunatley
mb, I really hope your therapist understands infidelity! Itis crucial! no exaggeration. If not, it would be like seeing an ear, nose and throat doctor for lymphoma....could make the situation worse by not treating the source.
mb, I want to reinforce allen's and nm's advice! They will all say they have experience with infidelity. What they may not mention, is their experience has been court-ordered with couples divorcing! Ask questions before you go. Call now, if you haven't asked about the type of therapies they use. If they are not familiar with "Not Just Friends", but know of Janis Abrhams Springs (After the Affair) or even Baucom, Snyder, Gordon (Helping couples Get Past the Affair) they may be ok and pro-marriage and realize the necessity of NC. (if they have addiction experience as well, all the better!) If they suggest Emily Brown, run! Her theory is very narrow. I don't believe she is pro-marriage and tends to bash and lay a lot of blame at the feet of the betrayed spouse. IMHO! (We went to one of these, a LCSW, and she wanted to get the three of us together to help H decide which R to end!!! Can you say "quack like a duck"!)
If you can, try to find one familiar with Solution-based Therapy. Emotionally Focused Therapy is helpful too but maybe for later...it is focused on your relationship instead of all the others you have had since day 1.
I think his realization that his thinking is muddy and he's over-focused on the negative is a great step for him!
Hugs
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
YOU need to MANAGE family therapy... you can't be passive about it... and do VERY THOROUGH research with any family therapist you send your Husband to before you send him...
This is as important as exposure.. it must be handled VERY CAREFULLY
Thank you everyone. The therapist I'm sending him too, is very pro-marriage and uses solution-based therapy. She does also have experience with addiction. I also read on her site that she holds seminars, one of which talks about saving your M, something about couples in crisis.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Wow whatnow, I had NO IDEA a professional therapist would be so CALLOUS as to invite the oteher woman into therapy.. that's ridiculous.
When Phil McGraw does infidelity segments on his show he won't let the Other Woman or Other man ANYWHERE NEAR the couple... he has offered to send tapes to the interloping party so they can see the damage they have done, but he almost NEVER invites them into the segment ... he feels the couple's marriage is NONE of the predator's business... which is certainly ISN'T!!!
Again MB28, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT send your husband to someone unless you know EXACTLY what they are going to say and do... this is MISSION CRITICAL that if you hand your husband over you need to KNOW they are in good hands.
The probelm with the family therapist is they are a visible authority... if your H gets bad advice from a visible authority it will be almost IMPOSSIBLE for you to change his mind at that point. Getting bad advice from a friend you can possibly convince your H is not the way to go, but when your H goes to a professional and is told to end his marriage... you are almost SUNK at that point... unless your H is able to recongize the FT is a quack... but if they tell him what he wants to hear, he will accept them at face value...
Do NOT trust your therapist any more than you trust the OW!
OK, get her a copy of Not Just Friends and make sure she reads it... They MUST know that comparing an affair and a marriage is NOT constructive... MANY therapists compare the two as the same thing... which is exactly what your HUSBAND is doing...
Early on your therapist and your husband need to know that affairs are NOT solutions.
It sounds like you have never sat with this therapist yoruself? If you have NOT met this therapist yourself, don't send your husband to them... always meet iwth them for at LEAST one session so you can size them up!
