This week is just getting explosive with those papers, sleep deprivation and all. Going dark and not being there when he is with S is a good idea. Can a friend or your Mom be there to supervise that this week so you can get a break before you experience anything worse or are goaded into responding in a way you won't like?
Personally I'd be walking away and stating I didnt want to see him until he could speak to me respectfully and without shouting.
There is doing a 180 and there is setting a boundary and he is now stepping over them. S shouldnt be seeing or hearing this so can you if he starts shouting and bawling at you bundle S up and leave the house.
Can you bring this up in MC the lack of respect and the shouting at you infront of S isnt acceptable and he has got to stop..
Thinking of you hope every thing calms down but H does have to start working more on himself saying he cant change because of you is just BS you have been ODP for ages now he is just taking the p*ss.
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I just wanted to comment on what happens with the MLCers. They tend to have all sorts of unresolved childhood issues resulting from their family of origin dynamic--feelings of rejection, abandonment, inadequacy, unloveability, or whatever. These feelings are what they need to explore, accept, forgive, and be able to recognize in themselves when they're triggered.
Until they reach the point of being able to do that, their wounds are reopened when something you say/do "overlaps" with one of those painful feelings, and they're flooded all the pain they felt as a child. They blame it on you, not on their own triggers, hence their huge over-reactions.
To tell the truth, the same thing happened to me as an LBS--the abandonment I felt because of my MLC husband was soul-searing because it was overlapping the abandonment I felt when my parents didn't protect me from childhood abuse. I had to learn to separate current feelings from past triggers. Whenever I was even a little annoyed at him, my H would be triggered back to the child being physically and verbally abused by his mother, and also had to learn to separate core hurts from what was really being said in the present.
Right now, your H is still in a place where he's not ready to confront his past. Meanwhile, try not to take any of his abuse personally. Yes, you may need to get away from it. But don't let him make you feel bad about past episodes--really, it's the childhood ones that are the true source of his pain, even though it's the ones in your marriage which he blames.
Agreed all. Boundary will be set. I'm not going to talk to him until he can be respectful. If he can't, then I'm going dark. I keep searching for how I can stop triggering him but he is not caring how he triggers me and then gets mad at me for my feelings. I have been doing a stellar job and he has done a few small changes but they are way behind. For him to say this R doesn't feel safe is just not my fault any more. I have made the changes. then if I make one tiny mistake it's "See? See?" This is BS.
I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to have S around this man who is showing him how to treat women badly. My S has been ordering me around lately and it has been a huge struggle to continue setting boundaries with him. Just like with H. It's so awful that H can't see what he is destroying - both mine and my S's mind and emotions.
I was the one abused as a child and I'm terrified my s is going to get some of the same issues. I'm the one that is triggered when my H yells and puts me down because of how I was raised. I would have an easier time setting boundaries if I hadn't had that upbringing. As for H's childhood I don't know. I do know his mother says his father was abusive - physically, emotionally, verbally. Of course that's her side. I just don't know. H always said he wanted to be different. He's not.
I'm not going to talk to him until he can be respectful. If he can't, then I'm going dark
Good.
Quote:
I keep searching for how I can stop triggering him
Do the above to stop triggering him.
The more I hear the more I think that this is a MLC.
Listen to what Cyrena has said. This is not about you. It is your H journey and you can not fix it! Trying is going to result in what you see now or worse!
H4L said: I'm scared to have S around this man who is showing him how to treat women badly. My S has been ordering me around lately and it has been a huge struggle to continue setting boundaries with him. Just like with H. It's so awful that H can't see what he is destroying - both mine and my S's mind and emotions.
Ask your IC or someone or advice about this. Maybe S needs to be brought to his room with toys the second voices are raised so he doesn't see any more of this. Or like LR said, you and S pick up purse and keys and go to park alone when H raises voice. I don't know.
I'm going to deal with this in MC today. S is first priority.
I wish you strength. You do have to protect your S and yourself. Verbal abuse needs to be put on the table in the MC.
Given your H's volatility, less contact seems like a good idea. Perhaps try to do childcare hand-offs in public places so that he does not feel comfortable letting loose.
H4L, forgive me but I can't remember if you're in IC? If this sitch is triggering your issues from the past, I think this needs to be addressed as well...for you.
Cyrena, your words helped me to understand my sitch...and it sounds like it may describe your sitch as well H4L.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Well guess who says he doesn't want to go to therapy today. Guess the boundary won't be heard.
He is "so livid he's shaking" about me throwing the pen down on the table. I guess this brings up his greatest fear re: our relationship past issues. So now it's all about him backsliding to rejecting me again because I lost my temper.
I can try not to lose my temper in the future. I am human and not perfect and this is not me being a psycho out of the blue. I should not have done that. But I'm in a R where I constantly feel attacked put down and blamed and it's much harder to act respectfully when I'm being treated not respectfully, and neither is S.
That's still no excuse.
I like the idea about triggers. That is what is up here. He is triggering me and I am triggering him. we have to change how we behave when we feel triggered. We have to take responsibility for ourselves and responding maturely. I am just fed up by not being heard for trying hard to do this, when H isn't. I guess I can't fix him. If he isn't able to deal with his hurts and triggers on his own, then I can't make this relationship work and I'm ready to walk.
If he is, then we will get to it when he's calmer. I won't give up. But I will accept it if he is going to give up. I have got to stop trying to make him act respectfully. I must set the boundary that if he wants more assurance that I can not freak out, then he needs to be sensitive to what triggers me and work with me on this.
Yes, I'm in IC I have been working on this for the past year! I have been through a lot of pain looking at my upbringing as well as the dark side of my R with H. I'm not where I want to be yet in terms of not losing my temper. But H doesn't want to admit that verbal abuse is abuse and he needs to if he's going to have any time with S and me privately, you are right. I'll try to have people around or be in public to protect us.
I wish the law could intervene on such matters. They also dont' consider verbal abuse grounds for a restraining order. Someone must have bruises first. The safest thing I can do is keep away from him.
I am going to learn to be strong and not internalize the blame for all this. I am going to learn to forgive myself for my own destructive behavior. Whether H joins me or not is his choice. I have come a long way. In the past I would have blamed him back and said that my temper was dependent on his nastiness. I now know I am responsible for my own behavior no matter what, but that so is H. I am also not responsible for his temper. This is a huge step for my healing, esp. in relationship to my upbringing.
