There are guys, my stbx for example, that could not tell you why he is withholding because he cannot understand that first, there is a problem, and second, what was the first question? Even if you try to discuss it you will get utter silence, a dazed look on the face, or, my absolute favorite, " I dunno." LL may never get a real answer no matter how hard she tries to help him articulate what is going on with him.
There are guys, my stbx for example, that could not tell you why he is withholding because he cannot understand that first, there is a problem, and second, what was the first question? Even if you try to discuss it you will get utter silence, a dazed look on the face, or, my absolute favorite, " I dunno." LL may never get a real answer no matter how hard she tries to help him articulate what is going on with him.
Johanna
LL has never gotten an answer other than the standard...
"that's just the way I am", "you know I have a fluctuating libido" oh and "I don't know"
it is very unlikely that h a) knows why or b) will tell me why.
I've offered possible reasons for him to pick and choose from and still nothing...
I can tell you that "caught in the headlight stare" comes from a cauldron of boiling emotion that your husbands simply are scared to death to express. You will have to press for the answer. You will also have to not let it bowl you over or offend you when you get it.
I will bet good money on the problem having a simple root cause.
Men are not dumb because they can't express emotion the same way you do. We are simply wired differently. We don't open our mouths and emotion pours out. There is all kinds of research as to why that is true.
In the same way you want us to understand you, we want the same. Our approach is completely different than yours. Generically speaking, you think we are retarded emotionally, we think that you are far to involved with how you feel. All this is already well known. Again, my point is that there is likely something simple holding him back.
Lastly, I don't believe it is possible that your spouses don't know there is a problem. My previously LD wife knew there was a problem, she just didn't want to embrace the repair. Your guys know there is a problem - it is just easier to act dumb when you are a guy. That's what women typically expect of us anyway.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: they can't express emotion the same way you do. We are simply wired differently.
'Fraid I have to disagree, NOP. One of the things I can't quite understan in my own sitch is why I'M the one who always wants to "talk relationship" and talk about my feelings. I DO have them, and I DO express them. I don't cry often, but WTH...
From what most have said, seems if your the HD spouse you want to talk about it becuase you want to resolve the problems. The LD spouse does not want to talk for fear of having to face that there is a problem or that they might have to work to change it. JMHO
I am speaking generically. There are volumes of research to support my assertion.
I am glad you can do the relationship talk thing. I try, but it doesn't come easy for me.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Pressing just makes the wall around the H go up even further, higher, thicker. What is hloding these men back when they have attractive, willing, desireable women in their lives? When their hormonal levels are normal? When they refuse counseling because it is all just "psycobabble bullsh!t" (His words, not mine)
Sometimes the silence is answer enough. Cold, hard, unfeeling rejection of the woman that they married and promised to love, honor and cherish. They forgot their wedding vows, we have not.
LL and I did not marry idiots. These guys have functioning minds but as far as emotions go, my stbx flees from any emotion. They have been encouraged to open up to us, but won't. I did not expect to be married to a silent angry man. He seems like such a nice guy in person. Get alone with him and he is silent, sullen and withholds affection for what reason? Dammed if I know...
my h doesn't know why he'd rather cuddle on the couch than have sex or accept a bj....my h doesn't know why he doens't approach me often and/or rejects most of my advances...my h doens't know why he doesn't think about sex ever 2 seconds...my h doesn't know why he'd rather go to sleep than have sex...my h doesn't know other than to say..."that's just the way I am"
Either h truly doesn't know or he's stupid...cause honesty would be far less hurtful than saying nothing or claiming ignorance.
At least sometimes your H does respond. 15 months for me right now....I will not do this to myself any longer beating myself up for what is clearly NOT my problem but has become my problem. I agree that honesty would hurt less than the silence and excuses....
