We ended up getting take out so I had dinner with her and my son back at the house. It was fine. I ended up watching TV with her for awhile before she went out with friends. If I keep busy - I am fine. If nothing to do - I am thinking too much about my sitch - so it really comes down to keeping myself busy -which of course is in the DB strategy. I ended up sitting around all day yesterday - and that just is an emotional killer for me. I have to work on getting things to do with my life now that I am out of the house. Easier said than done. I am much better during the week when I am at work and its so busy here that I have no time to think about W. Its that time alone at home/apartment that eats away at me. Anyway - it hurts but I just keep telling myself to make it to tomorrow - and then again until the next day. I know I need some time to elapse to adjust to all this. Doing ok I guess right now. How are you doing?
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Had a backslide of sorts over the weekend, trying to assess any damage today. I may have to wait until tomorrow night to see. I called her out on seeing the first OM on Friday night and that sparked a 40 minute R conversation which was civil. Then last night S9 was crying after she left and had him call her to ask her questions I could not answer, then I spent another 30-40 minutes on the phone nailing her down on what she wants, meaning D. That was a mistake, but she still can't say "I want a divorce" she does not want to be the bad guy.
I am doing fine, I think I need to give her more time and space. I pushed and now I need to pull back. It is not as gut wrenching today as it might have been a week ago.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Tough situation for you. It's so mindboggling to think about our partners suddenly becoming a person we just dont know or understand. When I think about your thread and confusedwife's - I dont know how you both are surviving it all too. Wondering what your 13 yr old thinks about it - if she says anything at all? My 11 yr old I'm sure just wants us back together - but I dont think she truly knows whats going on - like her older siblings do.
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Try to sheild her as much as you can. My D13 hates (I mean really HATES) my W, if my W is over at the house to pick up or drop off S9 it makes my D13 physically ill. D13 is in therapy for all this. I feel responsible but know ultimately it is my W's fault for what she is going through.
I will say this, your D11 will ask one day when she is older whether you and your W reconcile or not. IMHO, we owe them the truth maybe not all the technicolor details but definitely not lies to protect the WAS. If your D13 has ill feelings towards your W it will hamper any reconciliation process.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I'm a big believer in the truth myself - lies ALWAYS come back to burn you somewhere down the road. I haven't thought a lot about what to say to D11 other than what I did tell her - her mom and I were having issues and needed to be seperate. I left it very vague. I'm sure she'll ask more as you said. Cross that bridge when I come to it I guess....... Hate to sound like a wimpy broken record - but I really do miss the W - I know time heals - but the pain inside is real and deep. Later.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom, First, it does not sound "wimpy" to miss your W. In fact it is the bravest thing in the world that we all have in common here on these boards. We could have chosen to bail out, to leave, to protect ourselves but instead we choose pain and how to deal with that pain so that we can have something better one day.
Second, you are spot on with the truth. There is a time for the truth also and a time to be vague and you have chosen the right words for your daughter for now.
Keep up the work on yourself, make sure you are pursuing the goals for yourself.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Thanks. Always feel better about things once I hear from you guys. Tired - but I made it thru another day. Thanks for words of wisdom - you are helping me more than you'll ever know. Until tomorrow.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom-haven't checked in with you for awhile...had a lot going on...H filed for divorce and had papers ent to me in the mail...was here Sunday and I asked him if we were going to talk to kids and he got defensive and said "well, this is what you expected isnt' it?" Several weeks ago after he left, I told him that I choose our marraige, but I would not live in an open marraige and that he would have to choose. Told him I'd give him time to think but would not wait forever...so that was his reason for filing. I wasn't "ready" for that answer so handled in badly but told him that no, that was NOT what I was expecting! He mumbled about thinking the D over. Since, then, I have read a lot on MLC and truly believe that my H is in full blown MLC.
I am recommending to you to view the resources under MLC (if I knew how to post a link to that I would). It sounds like your W may be going thru that also!! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...ue#Post1539436. If that didn't come through, check out Destiny Unknown's thread and it is posted there!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Wow - thats a lot you had to deal with - thinking of you and hoping you find some strength. Take a deep breath if you have to - I do. Isn't it amazing how we get those "this is what you expected", "didn't you know this", "how can u not see this" statements? What seems obvious to them is just that - only obvious in their minds....... hang tough - I can feel the pain you are going thru in the words. Like missherlove said above - we are taking the brave and harder road - and we just can't give up what we know in our hearts to be true. Back to work - but hang in there.......
I only read the six stages of MLC - have to look at the rest of those links as well.... later.....
Me: 48 W: 47 M: 25 years T: 30 years S24, D21, D11 Bomb dropped: "Not in love with you" 10/09 Separated Feb 2010
Tom, Just curious, what are some of the goals you have set for YOU? Have you written them down in a couple of places? I would recommend writing them down and put them in your wallet (laminate a credit card size), put them on the visor of your car, on the bathroom mirror, anywhere you will see them multiple times a day. Helps keep me focused on me or on my kids as is the case with some of my goals. How was today?
Tomorrow is "Little Friday" and that is always a great day for me. It is the one day a week that I wake up and say this is going to be a good day. Sort of welcoming the weekend.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
