Flowmom- I agree. I am fighting every instinct I have to make this easier for them by not telling them they don't deserve to be treated this way. It's just what I want them to know, make sense? D12 knew about EA before I did. So I can't lie to her but do say, your daddy loves you and this isn't about you and your brother. She's old enough to see it. I allow her those feelings but remind her this is about adults. She just shakes her head and says, whatever mom. It's just hard. I wish she was younger right now. Plus they didn't have a great relationship prior to him leaving making this more difficult.
Thank you for keeping me in check!
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
HC, I know that it must be tricky when talking to your 12 yo. I would try to convey: "I am disappointed about H's choices, but I love him. He is going to have figure things out, and in the meanwhile you don't have to worry about anything. Time takes care of these things".
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
My books should be here by tomorrow. Should I read DB first or DR first? I am on the verge of asking H to stop disrespecting me by talking to the "friend" I just feel it is something i need to say to him. I have done so well not discussing any issues, but the fact that he just got a FB acct. and she is on there just upsets me to no end. When does this get easier?
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
It gets easier when you make the conscious decision to stop caring.
We can't control what our idiot spouses do. I realized that early on. My wife is an even bigger idiot than your husband. That's her problem, not mine, and not the kids' and nobody else's.
I do hope your husband comes to his senses. Some people actually like living that way, but people like us (and most others on this board) like a more stable and civilized life. Perhaps you should envision a life without all the drama. Would it be worse than what you're going through now?
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
HC, I know that it must be tricky when talking to your 12 yo. I would try to convey: "I am disappointed about H's choices, but I love him. He is going to have figure things out, and in the meanwhile you don't have to worry about anything. Time takes care of these things".
That is so perfect. I'm saving it for the next time I have to have this talk with my teenagers.
M:40 W:40 2 teenagers ILYBNILWY: 09 January 2010 soon to be walking away my situation
I do hope your husband comes to his senses. Some people actually like living that way, but people like us (and most others on this board) like a more stable and civilized life. Perhaps you should envision a life without all the drama. Would it be worse than what you're going through now?
I needed to read this today
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
My books should be here by tomorrow. Should I read DB first or DR first?
DR -- it is the most recent uptodate edition.
Originally Posted By: HallesComment
I am on the verge of asking H to stop disrespecting me by talking to the "friend" I just feel it is something i need to say to him. I have done so well not discussing any issues, but the fact that he just got a FB acct. and she is on there just upsets me to no end. When does this get easier?
Don't do anything yet. You need a strategy and you need to map it out carefully. Basically, your options are
1. "be the better option" -- described in DR and advocated by DB phone coaches (I assume), but not favoured in this forum
2. "busting" the A -- you will get a good idea about this in reading threads in this forum -- a recent example is mb28 -- see her threads from the past month
Don't act until you're sure what the right strategy is for you.
take care
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thank you flowmom and HC for the warm welcome! Ditto to the recommendation to get the book. As much as we can all spout the principles as an encouragement to you, nothing takes the place of you reading it yourself and personally interpreting it in the midst of your situation. I always recommend my coaching clients read with a pen so they can jot notes in the margins (unless it is a library book of course !!)
As for your comment:
Originally Posted By: HallesComment
Here's what I do knw....I want my family to not be in crisis. Not sure what to do to get us out of that?? I am happy that there is aplace such as this, where perfect strangers will take the time to listen to my crazy thoughts and care about my sitch. It makes me cry everythime I see a post and I know there is some good in this world I am living in right now!
Your family is in crisis right now and the only way out of crisis is to go through it. I think this forum does a phenomenal job of giving you (at least in part) some of the tools to walk through the crisis and do it well. Your children are seeing modeled for them the value of making good and healthy choices in the midst of crappy (hope I can say that here) circumstances. While you cannot change the choices your H makes, you can change your own reactions - the words you choose, the manner in which you handle your emotions, the things you choose to model to your kids about relationships as a whole. Remember, we are all cheering you on!
