I do not know what to say. It's hard to predict what will come of this. I've thought about this often and my IC has brought it up often that the separation might start me on a self growth and self improvement path that, because of the effort I put in, moves me not only beyond where I was but beyond where H is able or willing to go, be it ever or at this time.
That seems to be where you might be. Some of the emotional abuse chapters and infidelity recovery chapters in R books sometimes talk about spouses who can't or won't forgive or grow. I would empathize, but I would also not take more than my fair share of responsibility. The safety thing could still be true for him over time or it could turn into a convenient blame excuse after awhile not to do hard work on yourself to move beyond the past. Or he might literally never be the guy who can or will be willing to work on himself like that. Or he might be stuck on his way there and reacting to the separation.
Detach and keep working at it, I guess. I know how you feel. I'm all over the place lately and very close to throwing in the towel. The more you work, the more I expect effort and growth on his part. It's very frustrating. It's almost like my expectations for him and his behavior have gone way beyond what they ever were prior. And he may not be able to live up to that. And it may not be reasonable.
I don't think you're a bad guy. Sleep deprivation does crazy things to people. And we fix it and move on and become people we admire again. You don't have to beg him to admire you the rest of your life. You don't want to be with a guy who ultimately wants to hold something over you or is too scared not to. You know?
I guess time will tell.
Also, I strongly agree with everything Flowmom said about trying to be superhuman and validating in MC at this juncture if there's a hope to get past the hump. It might be a WAS. It might not. Maybe vent here instead this week or at your IC.
If he's mounting his justification for why he can walk away from his commitment and not feel guilty, there's nothing you can do. And there's no way to know whether he's doing that or not or afraid.
