Which of the below is more true (one or more or none).
1) My spouse likes to be in control of our relationship.
2) My spouse is intimidated by my desire for intimacy.
3) My spouse has a confidence problem.
4) My spouse doesn't find me attractive.
5) My spouse has a mental or physical issue with intimacy.
6) My spouse is angry at me and won't turn loose of past issues.
7) My spouse thinks I harbor past issues.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Which of the below is more true (one or more or none).
1) My spouse likes to be in control of our relationship. h has always been in control from day one, deciding when we would see eachother while dating, whether or not we would go out etc. of course he wouldn't agree with that. I've expressed to him the fact that it appears he is in control and he doesn't see it but appologizes for it. truth be told I feel like he's in control and I'm just the wife child here. He pays the bills so decides how the money is spent. I am primary caregiver to the kids so he doesn't need to find a sitter if he has something to do or a place to go while I do. He is in control of when we have sex. He is in control of when we spend time together as a couple or as a family etc etc etc
2) My spouse is intimidated by my desire for intimacy. not neccessarily MY desire for intimacy (if we are talking about intimacy as opposed to simply physical intimacy) but perhaps intimacy in general
3) My spouse has a confidence problem. Something I never would believe to be true when just looking at the surface but yes I do believe he's not as confident as he portrays.
4) My spouse doesn't find me attractive. that's a hard one to swallow since most people do find me attractive. I would assume that h does find me attractive but his lack of desire sends the message to me that he doesn't.
5) My spouse has a mental or physical issue with intimacy. see answer to #2, but of course he's not likely to agree.
6) My spouse is angry at me and won't turn loose of past issues. that's a possibility but I'll be damned if I know what he's so angry at as he doesn't complain about anything but my complaining.
7) My spouse thinks I harbor past issues. possible. When I'm having a down day or something brings up the past (mostly just surrounding his a and seperation) I don't hold it against him but simply let him know I'm having a bad day and his is mostly understanding and supportive or consoling.
It seems like you have a very detailed approach to solving this problem. You have isolated several of the problems and are dealing with them individually. You are doing very well and should be proud of that. However, we can't change them, only us. Keep taking care of you and your needs. That should help keep the anger and resentment to a minimum. Those emotions were eating me alive. It almost made for a WAW and then it had us heading towards a SSM. I addressed the SSM issue head on and we saw a C. The C got us no where but I didn't quit. We got into some very intense discussions that were quite frank and fairly "dangerous".
They were dangerous because I made it clear in a reasonable way that I wouldn't continue in status quo. She was very defensive about this and seemed to be digging her heels in. I finally backed off because I had said all I had to say and made all the good arguments I knew. It was time to back off. It was a week of cold shoulder and then a surprise romantic evening. My response was to make more efforts to speak her LL to which tried harder to speak mine and so on. We went from near WAW to recovery to near SSM to near D to M bliss.
Just wanted to share a success story as motivation to not give up on your dream of a good M. Take care of your mental and physical health first and foremost. This is basic DBing but it still applies. A sexy, caring and confident woman is dangerous. There is nothing more appealing than those qualities. If that doesn't get your H attention he can't be helped. If the two of you refuse to take care of the others' needs the M is done. Someone has to start trying even harder and the other S has to follow. I was very lucky that it worked out that way for my M and now I can't see it stopping. We just keep doing more and more for each other and it feels great. You may have to extend yourself even further before he reciprocates. Once you have done all that you can do, do a little more, then a little more. If he comes around, great, if he doesn't, a decision has to be made.
It is pretty much a case of doing the LRT and being prepard for the consequences. It could be great or it could be the end and you need to be prepared for both.
Hey Tbone, thanks for coming back and sharing a success story with us. It's these stories that help us get out of bed each day (and, hopefully, will help us get into bed, too).
Hey CeMar: Whaddya think? Here's a success story, my friend.
Tbone, I have never met LL, but I can almost guarantee you that she IS a sexy, confident and caring woman. That is the whole gist of her post--that she is all those things and is not getting the attention of her man. So NOW WHAT DOES SHE DO??
That's the million dollar question. She doesn't need tips on how to get his attention...she knows what she's doing and it aint workin.
Yes, she is a very attractive, intelligent, caring woman at the end of her wits some days. It's definately not her, it's his problems that become her problems and theirs problems. It is hard to keep plugging and finding that the bucket is still not being filled. I have no doubt that she fills his love tanks but he ignores it. He sometimes fillers her tank, but very rarely.
Quote: A sexy, caring and confident woman is dangerous. There is nothing more appealing than those qualities.
I agree, however these qualities don't seem apealing in a wife to h.
Sure he was attracted to me when I wasn't his (ie during seperation and upon first coming home) but I am his wife aren't I? am I suppose to keep up the threat of being taken away by someone else? he is well aware of the fact that other men find me attractive and when I do go out I get hit on (in fact the last time I went out a business card with phone # was put in the hood of my sweater, yes juvenille but I am after all a young looking 31 year old at home mom). He is not threatend because he knows I'm his end of story...after all it was he who had the a not me.
LRT? did that while he was a wah...it worked...am I supposed to stay distant and aloof to keep him interested? What kind of a m is that?
Quote: --------- So, where are we going with these questions? ---------
I learned a simple lesson long ago. Anytime something, anything becomes a mystery, you have missed something simple.
Unfortunately, it took a while for me to apply that to my own marriage, even though it serves me well on a daily basis in other areas of my life.
So my point is this; What is it that he is holding against you, in simple terms.
If you are indeed attractive physically and/or mentally, and he is functioning normally, then he is making a choice not to pursue you.
Maybe he is intimidated by you. Maybe that is why he had to have an affair - to prove his worth elsewhere. Maybe he feels that he will never measure up to your standards.
Don't let his motivations become a mystery to you. Make him tell you what the real reason is, then do something about it.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
"What kind of a M is that"? EXACTLY!! It stinks, it is no good, at least right now. What is he going to do about it? Nothing, nada, zip, zilch. What are you going to do about it? It sounds like you have done everything. Then try a little more. You want to save the M so that is your only option, right? If your done trying then you have to move to option B which potentially leads to the big D.
Option B: If you are drawing male attention and he doesn't care he is a fool. Some people aren't real bright and need a major jolt to change. I am very proactive so if this was my sitch I would prepare for single life. Ever seen "Extreme Makeover"? You are a great person (you know that) so take your look to the nines and then be aloof, be very aloof. This is kind of like playing with a cat and a ball of string. If you don't move the ball the cat doesn't have any interest, but shake it and the cat is all over it. If you "shake it" and that big dumb cat doesn't move, he isn't normal and you need a new cat. My best friend asked me this question when my M was a wreck, "Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" He said it to give me some much needed perspective but how true it is. You are young, attractive, intelligent and sexy but the big dumb cat doesn't seem to want to be with you. Some here will disagree with my tactics but you have been more than patient and it is time to "shake" things up.
I "pushed" very hard to have the M that I wanted. My W knows that I have high standards and won't settle. I told my W that I wouldn't settle for anything less than a great M, period. I point blank asked her, "So, are you in or out?" Bold? Yes. Stupid? Maybe. Successful? Ooohhh yeah!
