Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

H4L, OP makes a good point about MLC.

I'm pretty sure my H is in one. When we went to MC (dec08-may09), where we reached an impasse was the safety issue -- H not feeling safe enough to make himself vulnerable in the M, me feeling like I had really worked at and improved in my behaviours. Unfortunately the MC really wasn't effective -- we opened up the Pandora's box and then were left swatting flies with no solutions or strategies. Anyway, it became clear that a lot of H's feeling unsafe was baggage from the past...things that happened a decade ago, etc. with me but I assume some other things (unresolved grief from his brothers' deaths, etc). That's when I sort of gave up and told my H "I can't make this M safe for you. You will have to deal with some of this stuff.").

My solution was years of therapy to deal with my childhood baggage, but H would not and probably will not do that. Hence the MLC --> waking up feeling trapped in a life that he feels he didn't choose, surrounded by big piles of baggage. H is desperately trying to jettison the baggage, and is throwing out the baby with the bathwater at the same time (M and an intact family).

In retrospect, what we needed help with was bringing things back to the present. Maybe the MC giving H the tools to express vulnerability to me (in a safe way) so that he triggers my soft, caring side rather than my self-protective side. And I needed the tools to set boundaries in a soft, gentle way...because H is not the easiest person to live with and we have a lot of challenges in our life.

I can't remember if you've done DB phone coaching, but I think they would be able to help with some of the daily intereactions. But the MLC thing is a big can of worms and it's discouraging to read what time frames are involved. I think that H started 5 years ago.

Anyway back to your session today: if all three of you could hold the space for your H to be in his pain in a safe way...I wonder if that could help him. And for you: I guess you need to get across that your needs (esp for feeling safe, kindness, peacefulness) don't go away just because he's having a rough time.

I really admire that you're able to look deeply into your M and yourself. I worry that the way that I support you could come off as encouraging doormat behaviour in you. I don't want to do that...but I think that I'm projecting from my own sitch where being "strong" and "standing up for myself" without good assertiveness skills (doing it in a way that my H can hear without defensiveness) has been a big part of our M problems.

Remember that self love will be the best guide for you on this journey. If you operate from that place, you won't make any wrong decisions.