Holy Crap! Didn't expect THIS!

[Trixi]

I posted this January 7th

H came over tonight.
Interesting comments-
We were sitting on the couch, sipping wine and he was rubbing my feet kinda looking at me funny, so I asked what he was thinking and he said "I was thinking that I am never gonna be rid of you, and you're never gonna be rid of me." I asked "how do you feel about that?" and he said "It both frustrates me and pleases me at the same time."

He said that he's kinda mad that he finally leaves and then I go and do a 180 and confuse him. (This has to do with me finding my 'voice'/who I am. One of my biggest concerns is losing my voice if I move back.) Anyway, I joked with him about how it was just awful that I confused him and clearly if I *really* loved him, I should have gotten just awful so that it would be 'easy' on him.
Again expressed concern "what if it doesn't last" but did add, that he knows that can be said of anything.

Said that he got really hurt in childhood; and even currently there are some extended family dysfunctions. But he knows that he is pushing everyone away and that hurts him; he has a hard time discerning who to trust and who to keep at arms length. Admits that he tries to come off all tough, but he is really too sensitive.

He wanted me to elaborate on what I think the big picture would be if we reconciled; I said that I didn't want to do that because it's should be something we negotiate so we're both getting our needs met and he said that since he can't picture it, he wanted to hear my vision.

So, where this will end up, I don't know. But I think that he is at least thinking..

Link to that thread


Since then, we’ve been doing the same thing we’ve been doing for 2.5 years, occasionally talking about figuring out a direction to move towards but feeling stuck on the fence. BUT, keep in mind, during this whole time he has NEVER said he didn’t love me and he has always returned even if we “break up” for a short period of time. And he has never filed or gotten close to filing.

Fast forward. On Saturday I was at a family bday party. He texts me that he wants to see me that night, no matter how late. It’s really important. We can’t discuss what he needs to say over the phone or via text, must be face to face. I assume that he had an epiphany and is going to say we should just divorce. I figured if he said that, I would be sad, but whatever, I’d end up fine.

He arrives and says “I have bad news. Something political is happening at work and I’m losing my job.” He tells the story of what happened, how he is completely blindsided and then says “AND, I was talking to Son today and the MS specialist left me and him a message saying she needs to tell him something but she can’t leave it on a voice mail.” “AND, I am not feeling all that good myself and haven’t for several months. I go numb in my legs, my hands shake, but I’m afraid to go…”

I listen to all this and say “I’m really ticked right now because if we were a married couple (in the traditional sense) I would say that *we* would get thru it and that if Son needed to move back in, that’s what would happen, and I would make sure you to the docs to make sure you get properly diagnosed. But I don’t know how to say that, given the situation.”

He said “Well, actually, I was thinking this is the catalyst, the lightening strike, or whatever from the Universe. I have NEVER been able to get away from you no matter how hard I try. It’s like we’re just meant to be and I’ve been fighting it. I’m stuck with you for the rest of my life- and I am lucky to have you.”

(Keep in mind, he has seriously been bringing up feeling like the Universe (God) won’t let him leave me for weeks and weeks now. When I laugh at this, he says “You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. It’s not funny.”)

I said that if we lived together again, he’d have to be MARRIED. Not a single-married guy. He’d have to be committed and wear his ring. Bottom line we’d have to be partners/teammates. Our lives would be integrated and there would be no exclusions. He said “of course!” to all of this.

So last night *I* was the one feeling ambivalent. Thinking that I don’t like this being the catalyst. BUT, on the other hand, God works in mysterious ways. If it brings us back under the same roof so we can actually rebuild in a serious way isn’t that good? I was still torn when I woke up.
But then I got a message from one of my daughter’s exbf’s saying he is REALLY worried about her and he needs to talk to me. (I’m actually worried about her too.)

UGH! Was that the Universe pushing me towards reconciling? We definitely all need each other.

Is this the Universe bringing it all to a head so that we will quit dinking around and just really reconcile once and for all??? I’m very confused now. It’s not happening at all like I thought.