Holy Crap! Didn't expect THIS!

[Trixi]

I posted this January 7th

H came over tonight.
Interesting comments-
We were sitting on the couch, sipping wine and he was rubbing my feet kinda looking at me funny, so I asked what he was thinking and he said "I was thinking that I am never gonna be rid of you, and you're never gonna be rid of me." I asked "how do you feel about that?" and he said "It both frustrates me and pleases me at the same time."

He said that he's kinda mad that he finally leaves and then I go and do a 180 and confuse him. (This has to do with me finding my 'voice'/who I am. One of my biggest concerns is losing my voice if I move back.) Anyway, I joked with him about how it was just awful that I confused him and clearly if I *really* loved him, I should have gotten just awful so that it would be 'easy' on him.
Again expressed concern "what if it doesn't last" but did add, that he knows that can be said of anything.

Said that he got really hurt in childhood; and even currently there are some extended family dysfunctions. But he knows that he is pushing everyone away and that hurts him; he has a hard time discerning who to trust and who to keep at arms length. Admits that he tries to come off all tough, but he is really too sensitive.

He wanted me to elaborate on what I think the big picture would be if we reconciled; I said that I didn't want to do that because it's should be something we negotiate so we're both getting our needs met and he said that since he can't picture it, he wanted to hear my vision.

So, where this will end up, I don't know. But I think that he is at least thinking..

Link to that thread


Since then, we’ve been doing the same thing we’ve been doing for 2.5 years, occasionally talking about figuring out a direction to move towards but feeling stuck on the fence. BUT, keep in mind, during this whole time he has NEVER said he didn’t love me and he has always returned even if we “break up” for a short period of time. And he has never filed or gotten close to filing.

Fast forward. On Saturday I was at a family bday party. He texts me that he wants to see me that night, no matter how late. It’s really important. We can’t discuss what he needs to say over the phone or via text, must be face to face. I assume that he had an epiphany and is going to say we should just divorce. I figured if he said that, I would be sad, but whatever, I’d end up fine.

He arrives and says “I have bad news. Something political is happening at work and I’m losing my job.” He tells the story of what happened, how he is completely blindsided and then says “AND, I was talking to Son today and the MS specialist left me and him a message saying she needs to tell him something but she can’t leave it on a voice mail.” “AND, I am not feeling all that good myself and haven’t for several months. I go numb in my legs, my hands shake, but I’m afraid to go…”

I listen to all this and say “I’m really ticked right now because if we were a married couple (in the traditional sense) I would say that *we* would get thru it and that if Son needed to move back in, that’s what would happen, and I would make sure you to the docs to make sure you get properly diagnosed. But I don’t know how to say that, given the situation.”

He said “Well, actually, I was thinking this is the catalyst, the lightening strike, or whatever from the Universe. I have NEVER been able to get away from you no matter how hard I try. It’s like we’re just meant to be and I’ve been fighting it. I’m stuck with you for the rest of my life- and I am lucky to have you.”

(Keep in mind, he has seriously been bringing up feeling like the Universe (God) won’t let him leave me for weeks and weeks now. When I laugh at this, he says “You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. It’s not funny.”)

I said that if we lived together again, he’d have to be MARRIED. Not a single-married guy. He’d have to be committed and wear his ring. Bottom line we’d have to be partners/teammates. Our lives would be integrated and there would be no exclusions. He said “of course!” to all of this.

So last night *I* was the one feeling ambivalent. Thinking that I don’t like this being the catalyst. BUT, on the other hand, God works in mysterious ways. If it brings us back under the same roof so we can actually rebuild in a serious way isn’t that good? I was still torn when I woke up.
But then I got a message from one of my daughter’s exbf’s saying he is REALLY worried about her and he needs to talk to me. (I’m actually worried about her too.)

UGH! Was that the Universe pushing me towards reconciling? We definitely all need each other.

Is this the Universe bringing it all to a head so that we will quit dinking around and just really reconcile once and for all??? I’m very confused now. It’s not happening at all like I thought.

[Lotus]

No, this isn't the scenario of love conquering all we usually see in the movies. Where are the singing birds? Whatever,...Congratulations! You finally got the words you wanted to hear! Can you latch onto a local Retro Post program to help with the reconciliation? Meanwhile, my vote is that you go reclaim your house before he changes his mind again.

[JCJ]

Wow Trixi, that's all good. I say keep your eyes open and see what happens, whether he steps up.

I hope everything's ok with your daughter.

[Trixi]

I knew if I posted here I could get some help!! (I told him I thought we should go to retro agin- he blanched- I said 'no no,not the weekend, just the posts' and he was visibly relieved.)
He is overwhelmed right now with EVERYTHING (work; how long he has; does he get a serverance; kicking out his roommate; starting to look for a different job) and wants to take things slow. (At first I thought he meant months and months and he clarified that he means just for this first week.)

I called my friend last night who had told me to watch Serious Moonlight- (which I also recommend because it gives a LBS some hope) and so I thought for sure, he would say "yeah, not the perfect way to start, but go for it." Instead, he did what I know my family will do and anyone else that cares about me... They will say that my H is "just using me". Heck, that thought crossed my mind too.

My friend kept saying that it's a terrible reason to get back together, despite my pointing out that my H has been on the fence for years and that my H is calling this the lightening bolt he needed.

My family will have a caniption fit. My mother will have a total meltdown and say that I am disrespecting myself and worse. And she will totally throw my H under the bus.

Am I right to think that God is using "bad" things for the overall good? If H had been gone and then come back out of the blue with a story about the Universe not letting him leave as evidenced by the job situation, *then* I would tell him 'sorry Charlie'. But, as he himself pointed out, he obviously does love me because he has never been able to really leave. And that he feels like he needs to just "give in to it" and actually make it work and stop fighting it.

..but everyone will say "why now???" and then if I say "because he's going thru a job change and the kids need us" and then they will say "that's the worst reason in the world to get back together." And, on the face of it, I totally agree!

I am scared sh!tless. Seriously. And I really am afraid of dealing with how my family and friends are going to react.

[Lotus]

Personally, I'm not a big fan of good reasons and bad reasons. I think reasons don't matter. Actions matter. Fact is, you are his wife. Are you going to act like his wife and help him get through the difficult times in life, or are you going to cut and run when the going gets tough? There is no one who is going to get through a normal lifespan without trouble. So if you find a different H there will be troubled times with him too. This is what it is. Yeah, we need the people who love us when the chips are down.

[JCJ]

I agree with Lotus re reasons. Why now? Why not now? I have realised through this that you cannot influence someone elses timeline you can only navigate it whilst GALing, looking after you and living your own life.

This is your family, your life and your decision.

Take it slow, make sure it is the right decision for you. Keep the pressure and expectations low for now and see what happens imo. It sounds like he is still a bit of a rabbit in headlights at the moment. It is quite a sudden and big decision for the both of you so digest it.

(((Trixi)))

[Tomato]

In the end who are you more interested in pleasing, yourself and your H and the grown kids to a lesser degree or the other family members who might have a "caniption".

It's you and your H that come before the rest in my estimation. You took vows to spend your life with him not the others. Themz are my thoughts.

I hope to be facing the same type of scenario soon enough but that is altogether unclear as of this moment. At least to me anyway. As always I will be the last to know.

Be well and let the Lord continue to do His work on you and your H.

Ted

[Trixi]

You guys don't know what a help your perspective has been!!

Tonight H and I went out to dinner and we shared that we were both concerned with "Is it the "right" reason"?

I said to him that after talking to you guys I started to think about it and I can't really think of a catalyst that brings people back together that is happy. I mean, often it is something like a sickness, or a child needing help/getting sick, or some other (negative) thing that changes your whole perspective on life and what is really important. It doesn't make it a bad reason. It means that your changed your priorities when faced with the realization of how fragile life is.

He has already tried to find his wedding ring and wonders if it was stolen because it's not where he thinks he left it.

He is mad with himself because he knows he should have been the leader for our family, but he wasn't. (!) (I had already been thinking that I would want to express that, but wasn't sure how to broach the subject. So, as he was saying it I started getting really teary because it so hit the mark.)

He said that he knows this is really scary for me and he has a lot to prove. He is scared too, but he is afraid of not doing what's right in the future. (heck, me too!)

I brought up retro and he suggested we start dialoguing how we feel about moving back in together.

We both talked about liking our respective houses and not being so keen on giving up our personal 'touches', if you will. But agreed that in the big scheme of things, that's nothing.

He feels overwhelmed and is trying to take it all in; said again that he really wants no pressure/take it slow for this week. That our next step is going to be coming out to everyone as a couple.

He sort of complained about the Universe teaching him such hard lessons and said that he shouldn't complain... at least God cares enough about him to try to teach him something. (!)

He said "Obviously God wants us together for some reason. We are stuck with each other. Might as well get used to it."

Of course, this is all the easy stuff; talking in the airy fairy future. It's going to be a bitch when I have to sell off my stuff, pack, move back, find a way to fit back into the other house; negotiate things; find my voice in that house. Our finances are totally separate; neither one of us has to "answer" to the other one; no expectation on coming home at a certain time; ....basically being accountable to no one. Fully partnering up seems daunting.

[Lotus]

If you got that far in detaching, you did a good job by DB standards. But living separate lives is not what marriage is about. So if you two want to be married, then things do have to change. I'll believe it when Roommate is gone.

[Trixi]

I'll believe it when Roommate is gone.

I guess there are two roommates now. It's just the long standing roommate that he "is annoyed with."

The way I fould out was in a round-a-bout way; he was telling a story about roommate 1 cleaning up, but he didn't know for sure til "Fred" showed up at 8:30am and he asked him. I was like "Why is Fred going to the house at 8:30am?" H "Well, he's got a girlfriend, so he must have stayed the night there." !?!? I was so surprised I blurted out "You mean to say Fred lives there TOO?!? Well Fred has to go!!"

H said "wow-you sure are getting demanding! and yes, of course Fred has to go."

This almost feels harder than when we first moved in together.

Guess I'm getting ahead of myself; we haven't even announced it and for all I know, he could rip the rug out from under me.