You most likely will not find the answer as to why he's angry now. They get angry at every little thing that doesn't go their way or people don't agree w/them on something. Sometimes they just get up angry at the entire world you just happen to be in his line of fire at the time. Please do not try to over analyze his anger or behavior.....step away from it, accept the fact that whatever created such a stir in him may change tomorrow.
As for your marriage being over, no one knows that for sure. If the divorce should happen, there's always the possibility that years from now, you two could reconcile, but if that were to happen, ultimately it could be your decision as to whether you want to reconcile or not. I know that you feel like you've lost, but it's not over until the fat lady sings.
You've come a long way and have learned a lot about yourself. What you have learned will help you in the long run. Do not doubt yourself, for you are a strong, confident and wise lady.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I try not to dwell on his anger. I know/have learned that I can't make any sense of it.
He came to get D16 yesterday to pitch. Shoveled the part of my driveway that the snow plow couldn't do (7 more inches of snow). Was friendly. Later he texted to ask if I needed anything from the store since he was out and would be bringing the kids to me later. He knows I don't drive in the snow if I don't have to. I answered that I didn't need anything. When he came back with the kids, he let them out in the driveway and left. I think the first time he didn't walk them in. I'm trying not to dwell on that too. Hoping to write it here and let it go. This is not the relationship we should have. I know I will never understand.
A friend of mine recently told me that she talked to my H who was on his way to get D13 from her house and asked if he would stop at the store and get something for her on his way. He was quick to agree to do it. She said "he does have some good left in him." It bothered me because I know he has "good" left in him. The person that he WAS, was very good. He is still that person, he is still very kind to others, and has occasionally done nice things for me, but this is the man that promised me forever but recently told me what he has done/is doing is "right in his mind."
Don't know when I will head to work today. Will have to wait to get a report on the road conditions. It's a snow day, so kids get to sleep in-----and not much going on at work (since there's no school), but I am supposed to be there, if I can get there.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
This is not the relationship we should have. I know I will never understand.
I remember thinking this same thing many times while watching crazy stuff go on...then I came to the realization that there would be many things I would NEVER understand....so, in time, I let them go..and can't remember half of them anymore.
It actually looks things are fairly level for now; except, from your own admission, so many things bothering you, things people say, etc.....get through those type of feelings; and leave them behind, continue to detach and distance, but at the same keep half an eye on the situation.
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Shoveled the part of my driveway that the snow plow couldn't do (7 more inches of snow). Was friendly. Later he texted to ask if I needed anything from the store since he was out and would be bringing the kids to me later. He knows I don't drive in the snow if I don't have to. I answered that I didn't need anything.
There looks like a connection is still there, somewhere, or he wouldn't have thought of asking you anything about getting you something from the store, AND shoveling your driveway. The responsibility toward you still seems to cling to him in spite of all he's feeling.
Continue to wait and watch, detach and distance from his drama; let go of the rest; working on yourself.... Test the waters from time to time..and if you're rejected, take it with a grain of salt, back off, regroup, try again another time; and that also goes for attempting to "flirt" with him, smiling at him..act as if you're happy all the time, even if you don't feel it....They really are drawn to happy people; and it can be infectious.
There is hope as long as you love him; and are still willing to hang in there, and that is what you've indicated.
Sort the garbage when he runs off at the mouth; the truth is in there, somewhere...and again, you have to keep remembering that he is not himself right now; and I realize that's hard; as I've made mistakes, too, and thought I'd lost it all at several points.
The anger that comes out of nowhere, is confusing, but is HIS problem, don't make it yours. Yet, you already know there's no rhyme or reason on that...and you already know NOT to internalize it. You will know when you've actually caused a burst of anger by what you say...I always knew when it was me that brought it on, or when it had NOTHING to do with me at all..but something in him that I didn't understand.
Hang on to yourself, and know this too, shall pass in time.
Kindness CAN go a long way, and I always heard and actually did this.."Killing them with kindness"...they may STILL get angry, but don't take it personally.
One final thought for today....no one will ever have everything exactly the way they want it, not even the WAS in MLC. The dissatisfaction on both sides is evident, in every situation and shows clearly. Something new can be built out of the ashes of an old life, but only if a person is willing to let go of the old and embrace the new.
Have a great day, Sweetie, and know that you are someone of great value...and don't let anyone tell you anything different or make you feel otherwise.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Ughhh........OP, I've been at this so long, I am beginning to wonder if he isn't "out" and this IS the new H..........but I'm not giving that any more time in my head!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Some days I think I've really screwed all of this up by trying to be dark or NC. Our communication is so very poor right now, I am sure it causes his anger to flare.
I sent him TM yesterday that bank called and wanted him to call back. He answers "what in the He** is that about?" I say, I don't know, I can try to call, but they asked for you. I wrote: I know I haven't made any unusual charges. He answers: Neither have I.....I answer: I know we aren't maxed out.....so I was left thinking, he thinks I'm accusing him of making unusual charges.....but really, I was just relaying a message. They usually only call if they see unusual activity on our card....meant NOTHING by my text.....and they asked that he call, not he or I......but can't explain that IN A TEXT. I later send TM asking if he wants me to try to call and he answers: they just wanted to sell us a home equity loan. UGGGHHHHH............
Saw more anger over the weekend and yesterday when he came to get S for ball practice he parked as if he wasn't going to get out, but just wait for S. S opened door and reminded him that we were waiting on the shoes he was bringing....He throws them up on the porch to S (then land in snow and get wet)......he then reluctantly came up to get D's backpack since he would need it because he would be taking them to school today.
I try not to spend too much time wondering if he's contacted the L that he says he's planning to contact....but it's on my mind. I still have my appt. scheduled for 3/2. I know I HAVE to go, but will never believe that this should be happening.
Despite all of this, my mind IS in a better place and I do think I will be able to let him go if I have to.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Some days I think I've really screwed all of this up by trying to be dark or NC. Our communication is so very poor right now, I am sure it causes his anger to flare.
I don't think so. His anger would flare no matter what you did.
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I sent him TM yesterday that bank called and wanted him to call back. He answers "what in the He** is that about?" I say, I don't know, I can try to call, but they asked for you. I wrote: I know I haven't made any unusual charges. He answers: Neither have I.....I answer: I know we aren't maxed out.....so I was left thinking, he thinks I'm accusing him of making unusual charges.....but really, I was just relaying a message. They usually only call if they see unusual activity on our card....meant NOTHING by my text.....and they asked that he call, not he or I......but can't explain that IN A TEXT. I later send TM asking if he wants me to try to call and he answers: they just wanted to sell us a home equity loan. UGGGHHHHH...
I guess you would have been better off staying NC and not sending him the text message. What do you think?
Well --- had the bank (not our BANK, but the bank that issued our credit card)been calling about something important, i.e. unauthorized access of our credit card account, the call needed to be made. Should I have called the bank first to see if they couldn't talk to me? Maybe. But, given the fact that all of our finances are joint at this point, and they specifically asked for him, I felt I needed to let him know. They are able to tell what charges are made on individual cards, and if I had called only to find they had questions about charges on his card, I would have most definitely been accused of "snooping."
I do think some specific instances of his anger are worsened by our lack of communication, and with kids and finances involved, I can't go completely NC. Would it do ME some good, definitely. But----it would also do me some good to not have to deal with him at ALL right now.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
