Updating. 1 week ago my world came to a halt. W and I decided we should separate. We agreed I would stay in home with kids and she to look for a place. Fast forward a bit now w tells me she doesn't want to leave, wants to stay for the kids. I am ok with this for the kids sake. Kids don't know what's going on. Fast toward to Friday. We chit chat re R conversation and it ends fine. Saturday night w arranges a dinner out with her frien[quote][/quote] d and her H. Dinner went well. W's friend complimented me in front of w. Told me I look nice. I had planned to look my best. Gal is what I did. I loved it. I also felt good too. This morning my w tells me I looked good. The shirt I wore was nice. She kissed m
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Today being Sunday we went for lunch with the kids. It was good. When at home I said amazing where we were a week ago. I told her that we are not out of the woods yet. Her response to me was I wish I felt different. I said I wish too. I told her that she is the only person to be able to change her thoughts. I said only you can work on changing you.
I guess my problem is that I don't think I am DBing properly. I am not totally detaching. I just don't know what I should be doing. I feel I make headway but I know that I pursue. Damn it's so hard. W always make sure to throw a dagger to my hopes. It's so frustrating.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
You are right. Only she can change herself. She has the ability to choose to love. But she chooses not to love. It is like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, she had the ability to go home all along. And your wife has the ability to choose to love you. Of course, it helps if you try to be lovable! But it sounds like you are trying to be nice. It doesn't matter if she stays for the kids or any other reason. What is important is the choice. Have a regular date night. The help of of a good counselor or pastor could help you both.
Lotus, love the idea of a regular date night.. I would also agree with being on guard.
When I read the DR book, Patience is the key. As I want to work on our M and I prepared to wait it out. For how long is the question. Not sure about that one.
Although, I did say to her yesterday that I would love to be able to get physical with her. Her response to me was that she isnt ready yet.. In my book, I will take that as a postive because its always been no. Maybe there is hope? .... I wont hold my breath, lol..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
So last night my wife tells me she is going to a fundraiser with the people from work.. She is doing a bike ride for cancer and her office is going to it.
Well, the problem I have with her attending this fundraiser is that I have suspected a possible EA with this OM from work. I told her point blank that I dont like him and dont want her anywhere near him. Now, I know he works it the same office so hard for me to enforce this. I am getting such anxiety over this. I feel I need to spy on her and see where w is going for sure. I was on her FB page and one of the girls made a comment about tonights event so I know there is an event. Anyway, should I be stressing out over this, something I cannot control ? How should I be acting towards here when she comes home? Part of me tells me that I should tell her that I wasnt happy with her going do to the disrespect that she went to a place where the OM was at as well... Maybe I am making too much of this???
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
But PART of controlling you is getting deep inside your own head, and figuring out what your two or three or four Boundaries of Personal Integrity are. And then communicating them to your wife, and being prepared to enforce them.
that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Examples: "I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
