the word is out

[Cadet]

Have you read the MLC resources?

If you read the 4th post down on this thread it will give you the resources.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1936079&page=1

[Cadet]

I am also going to go to the bookstore and look at MLC books

Start with what we have here. There are books advice in the resources. Basically you need to learn about depression. That is the disease you are trying to deal with.

[courageous wife]

Thanks OP Will do! I appreciate your taking the time to post these links!

[newmama]

CW, I still think your H isn't 100% sure. My WH was willing to file and said he would "because it wasn't right to make me wait" or what he was doing was wrong, etc. I am confident that if I said OK, he would have done it. Now I know in my case, it is not an MLC. So maybe they are different beasts (affairs vs MLCs).

But I think a person could walk into a lawyer's office and file for divorce without being 100% sure. I was going to do it last year at one point although I wasn't sure because I thought it was "the right thing/the best thing/ why the heck would I want him back" etc. Someone told me that there was no rush and suggested I wait. So I listened and hoped for the best (still am).

It is still good to hear others' perspectives, though! (like Knittedscarf! :-) )

So what has happened today? How are you?

[courageous wife]

Hi newmama! Well, I have replayed the convo with H in mind and realize that I should have maybe validated what he was saying instead of defending myself which would have been a 180 for me. I truly did not think it was wrong to ask how we were going to handle it with the kids so it totally took me off guard when he "attacked me" with that. Here, I had "thought" I had accepted that a D was inevitable and then he says what he said...threw me off! Anyway, I will not bring it up again.

Going back to NC unless something comes up with the kids. Work on getting detached! I do so well all week cause he's not here and we don't talk but I get all gooey when he is here! Going to read up on depression/mid life crisis! They say that a lot of times, they have had a traumatic experience in their childhood but I don't know what his would be. He lost both of his parents in their early 50's so think that might be part of it now that he is in his 50's!

I am calling the L today and asking her to not request that H/us take MC as I know that will just make him more mad but I still want her to wait until the very last minute to send back our reply. My L said people change their minds all the time but I am not going to get my hopes up.

I have also slacked off on galing so am going to get back to doing that.

I do still hope that we can work things out but it just might take a D before H figures things out and I have to prepare myself for that!

[Cadet]

I think you sound much better today!

Your self analysis is good. Follow your own advise!

As far as the childhood issues go. Understand that it could be something that you have no knowledge of. It could have happened long before he met you. He didn't finish growing up at some point and he needs to go back and finish that.
There is nothing that you can do to help that process.
You can only hurt the sich. That is another reason to give him "space".

Start studying. Knowledge is power.

[courageous wife]

Thanks OP-Was there a book in aprticular that you felt really helped you with your sitch?

[Cadet]

Thanks OP-Was there a book in aprticular that you felt really helped you with your sitch?

If you read DU thread which I assume you did I wrote some things about where I was at before I got on these boards. I am on a board for menopause and did a lot of reading there.

As far as books are concerned mostly it has been MWD, I have tried a few other books but mostly reading here. The resources has a thread on recommended reading. I am going to be getting two books on Male Menopause by Jed Diamond(from this list) but I haven't read those yet. I have been dealing with Bipolar my whole life and a lot of what I know or understand comes from my experiences there.

If you are reading the resources read the whole thread not just the pertitnent information as people can chime in with lots of valuable information.

I will admit that my DB'ing skill for a WAS may not be too good. Affairs, infidelity. I know Puppy has good stuff to say about that. I am not sure I understand it all yet. But I am working on that.

When you get further down the road. I can recommend The five Love Languages by Gary Chapman but you are not up to that yet.

Read anything that Snodderly posts. She is really a legend.

[courageous wife]

I will check out Snodderly's posts! It was recommended that I get the 5L's a few weeks ago and did but you are right, I wasn't ready for it!

[courageous wife]

WAS
The exact opposite,

Has expressed dissatisfaction about the marriage, over many years.

Has perhaps enlisted help in the past, in the form of counselling, to repair the marriage in the past.

Issues in the marriage escalate to boiling point, then bomb.

Indecision about their decision

OP- found this on the resources thread under debate-mlc vs. was
I think I can definitely say that H is in full MLC and is not a walk away spouse. When he first dropped the bomb, I asked him so many questions on what was so bad, why was he unhappy etc. etc. and everytime he'd answer "I don't know" I WISH I had not concentrated so much on the fact that there was OW and found this sooner. Might not have made a difference but I would like to think I would have done some things differently. Well, I know now and am eager to get to "work"!!! More reading ahead!