Damn, girl, you are tearing it up!! Good for you. This gets to be your cheat sheet. You wrote this in a wonderfully sane moment. So trust yourself. You know your situation better than anyone else. When the 'crazy' feelings hit, lock yourself in the bathroom with your list, do some deep breathing exercises and reread all the things you know don't work, and all the things you know that do. Repeat to yourself over and over and over again, "I will stick to my goals, I will stick to my goals, I will stick to my goals."
It'll help calm the panic attacks and refocus your energy on yourself again... where it belongs.
Now, the two biggest things I see on your list is your self-worth and your control issue. It seems to me when your self-worth starts getting out of hand, your need to control starts rising its ugly head. And when you get controlling and demanding, your H withdraws.
Okay. Cool. We've got a pattern of behavior here that is certainly well within YOUR control. Honey, there is NOTHING more attractive than a self-confident woman, and when you reach the point where you are not living for his attention and approval, whew, look out girl, can you say 'dog in heat?'
Now that you have some goals outlined for your relationship, write out your goals for building your self-confidence. Understand how you get derailed, too. (For example, when the kids get sick, I don't go to the gym during the day. So, if the kids get sick, then I will arrange for H to be home so I can get to the gym at night, or call a sitter or whatever).
Do you have a community center that offers classes or workshops on yoga, personal fulfillment, or positive thinking... stuff like that? If not, are you willing to watch tapes, read books, etc? Do you have a girlfriend with whom you can do this? A sort of mini-bookclub for positive growth so you meet each week and get out of the house by yourself?
If your H is tired when he comes home at the end of the day, and you feel neglected by him laying on the couch, what are you going to plan for you and your kids to do in the evenings? Filling your time up with planned activities that you and your kids like, until they go to bed, is going to keep your attention off him, and what he is NOT doing.
And then once your kids are in bed, what will you being doing, or where will you be going? If he is going to lay around the house like a slug... fine. Let him. There's no reason he can't be with the kids while he's being a slug, and you're at the library, or the gym, or at the movies with a girlfriend.
See where I'm heading with this? You just need a plan. And remember you are doing this for you, NOT for him.
Luvhubby made some really great points about letting go of the past, and thinking about what things were like when the two of you were cooking in the bedroom. Really think about that. It contains some significant clues about your H and what attracts him.
And when those "but I just want to be with him!" moments hit, understand that this is your self-confidence waivering, and you now know what the cycle is if you decide to give in to a weak moment, and where that's going to get you. (And you will, that's okay, no biggie. Just get back on track as quickly as you can).
