My H, came home too soon a long long time ago. Neither of us were ready. We did it for the wrong reasons. His crisis wasn’t over. My journey hadn’t even begun.
Take your time with this. If I was in your shoes, I think I would see if you could start with dating, and maybe counseling if you are both willing. Three months and reevaluate.
If you let him come home and nothing is different…
Then his fear of IT being the same, will be realized.
You don’t want that. He doesn’t want that.
Piecing is harder than the crisis. If you aren’t ready for it, it can be a dismal failure. I hate to be the negative nancy, but I really believe time and patience are on your side.
Maybe right now, an agreement that neither of you will throw around the D word for a while, just to take that fear off of the table, and brutal honesty that you are trying, you know it won’t be easy, you really do want this to be different and better and you KNOW it is not going to happen overnight.
Just some thoughts….
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
op, we were in walmart today and bought that book...how ironic! i have heard so much good about it! what is even weirder is that it was jammed into the magazine racks...where it didnt even belong...h bought it for me, im the avid reader. maybe he will read it in the future
Cat, i COULD NOT agree with you more!about ALL that you have mentioned!
we want things to be new...and much improved! it could never happen overnight! I agreed with Jack too...i have a reaction issue that i still need to do a lot more work on...h and i hit on that a bit today. i felt much better after we atleast got that on the table...from BOTH points of view.
we have agreed he is going to spend even more time here with us, and we are going to move VERY patiently and slowly!
we both have quite a bit of work to do...just very happy that we agree that we are on the same team...we now need to learn the skills and put into motion pf playing the "game" together...
we dont want to be in a spot again because of unneeded bs and childish actions and reactions...
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
How about telling him "That's great news, I don't want "it" to be like "it" was before too. So as part of the deal, we commit to going to MC. This will keep us focussed on doing "it" differently."
Seriously, you are right. You don't want the same problems and neither does he. OK, so time to take action. MC has gotten us to piecing and it's slow and dreadful but hey it's better than being separated and not talking. You need to get it all out on the table to know what to work on and that may take some time to sort out. So can you get him listening and talking? It takes two. You are working on your reactivity. Great! So are so many of us here. But what is he working on so it can be a true partnership?
we are working an the actions and reactions for now...talking and giving explanations...sounds weak BUT it is helping tremendously! this is such a BIG part of the issues...on both of our parts.
for now that is mostly what has been happening.we need to lat it all out and be able to take the time to work on it all...petty or not...these things are still important.
time and patience on both of us...
still not 100% that this is even real...seems quite real but how to tell for sure?
he has definatly been himself, that is all i have to go on...i keep reading here and i am almost finished with the 5 love languages...amazing book!
i dont believe we are ready for mc just yet...this has to be a slow process. however...it is no doubt in our furture and h agrees...
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
i dont believe we are ready for mc just yet...this has to be a slow process. however...it is no doubt in our furture and h agrees...
I agree w you on the MC, be patient before you jump into that. Unless you have a really good C it could make things worse in MLC.
Glad you like that book. Take the test at the end and tell us what your language is.
Also since your H bought you the book maybe you can get him to read it and take the test too. You need to decide that, you do not want to push R talk!!!!
the more i distance myself...the more aggravated h seems to get
the 180's GAL...trying my darnedest...doing a good, not perfect job. sometimes it is hard with 2 small children to do much and honestly im kinda sick of kids activities!
his LOUSY decisions, that affect us as a family, seeing him basically kill himself to catch up on where he has made mistakes...not being able to help turn it around or be heard b4 the decisions are made...
how far away is rock bottom???
i am venting...i cant stand to watch this man in so much pain...cant stand it anymore...need a true break...
the detaching works...i am able to separate myself BUT the emotional part is only one part....this is soooo hard!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Lost, No one can determine how far rock bottom is for your h. It is different for each and every one of us, i.e., just as our upbringing and personalities.
When your h does something for you or your children, thank him. If he looks nicely dressed, tell him that he looks nice. If he says he feels lousy, say I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. These are the things that go a long way with validating them. When you children as babies did something good, you let them know it, the same would apply for adults. Adults need stroking just as much as children and also pets do. You don't have to go mushy w/your validations, but you can recognize his good deeds.
You need to distance for yourself. If your h is aggravated about it, that's his problem. Your journey means taking care of you and your children. You are not going to be able to cut him off 100%, but you can step back and just listen and not react. This takes time to learn, but you can do it. If you have things to do, do them when he's around. He can watch the children while you run errands or make a spa date. This would be your "me" time while he's there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
