THinking about what he was saying - H says he doesn't know if he can trust his feelings, not sure what the answer is. I guess this is better than nothing. He says he's "leaning" toward one direction - (we're getting legally separated, this week!), but that he just doesn't know what to do or if his feelings will change in the future. I should also be grateful for that. Now I'm back to the question - are we even piecing?
It is discouraging that even though I have eight months of 180s under my belt, that H acknowledges, he still can't feel safe enough to be with me. Says he's always afraid things will change on a dime. I keep saying that we have free will and that we can own the mistakes we made and still make the changes. H is struggling with thinking that the problems are better confronted early on so they don't escalate into many years of baggage like we have now. He keeps saying he wonders if it would be best to start with a new "tabala rasa" with which to work. I said that may be - and it also may be that the fantasy involved in a new R makes it harder to confront issues. At least now we are in reality as to what needs work. H blames it on "bad chemistry from the start" which I think is total BS> when he said the R wasn't even "adequate" when we married I think that's BS too. He did marry me after all.
Basically he admits he is risk averse in all areas of life. he took risks with me in our R, often going against his gut that he should have been dealing better with our problems and he feels that got him screwed and the R got worse. H sees D as the safe option. Safety appeals to his personality, but especially now when "taking risks" with me failed in his eyes.
I mentioned building trust little by little, like stepping into a cold lake inch by inch until you are comfortable in the water. He says no, eventually you have to jump in and he can't forsee doing that right now.
Gosh, is this more WAS blather and I should count my babysteps and hang in there? Or should I face the music and get out with what little self respect I have left?
Thank you all for getting me through the boundary thing the past couple of days. I don't believe H and I would be communicating if we hadn't gotten through that hump.
