ok here's some of what I've come up with. Obviously I need a bit of help with putting some of these things into action or actually comming up with some action oriented ideas but here's a start....
what doesn't work or keeps me in the neg hole.
-trying to place blame in either direction for what happened in the past
- letting myself belive that ow has something I don't
-letting my self worth depend on h
- making assumptions about h's intentions
- making assumptions about h's feelings
-taking things personally
-having expectations
-dwelling on what ISN'T happening
things that work or keep me seeing things in a better light
-living in the now
-letting h just be
-not taking it personally when h is tired or otherwise occupied
-letting go of fear (damn that's a hard one)
-letting go of expectations (another hard one)
-feeling comfortable in my own skin (relates to not depending on h for my self worth, hard to do when feeling good about myself and still feeling indirectly rejected by h then makes me resentful toward him)
-owning my own happines (it's not h's job to make me happy)
-owning my own feelings of insecurity and not making it h's responsibility to make me feel good about myself (and yes I know I've used this one in different forms already...guess that means it's a big part of the problem)
-focussing on what is good or going well.
so then I just came up with an action for dealing with the self issue. I have a gym membership, had started going and taking advantage of the daycare they have there so I could go during the day...the kids got colds so I stopped going..time to get back there either during the day or at night.
When I leave the past where it should be and put my fears asside there tends to be more cuddling and a more up beat attitude from h. However if after a period of time the amount of 'sex' or passion stays minimal I fall back into the trap of self doubt wich in turn leads to my doubt of the sincerity of h's desire to actually be IN a r with me as apposed to just reaping the benefits of having a "good wife" to take care of him, the kids and his home.
I'm sure there is a whole lot more to say but I'll let you chew on these thoughts for a bit.
