I think I'd rather be dead than this- WAW

[Quart9]

Thank you Mr Bond and thank you crushed for your offer - I will have to try to figure that out. I was supposed to be at church this morning @ 10:30 but I suppose God had something else he thought I needed to hear. I'm headed to the afternoon service now.

She sent me a text to tell me that she was sorry she hurt me but that she has been hurting for the past 4 years/our relationship was not what it needed to be. She says she was not happy in our marriage, she reached out and tried to make changes, asked me to make changes, but when I finally did it was too late - she was done. She says she is sorry that it had to end with me attacking her character and hopes I can see her side of the story one day.

All four years were bad huh? None of it was good. Yes I'll admit I knew she was unhappy at times and she did reach out. There were times when I was unhappy too. I knew I should have done more to change. I made mistakes, but does that justify her actions? Does that justify her selfishly trying to fulfill her "happiness" by having an affair with another married man? In such a cliche' scenerio too - met him on a cruise- come on? She acts like our marriage problems totally justifies it - she shows no remorse.

[crushed_v95]

if you wait around for her to apologize you'll be waiting for ever. my wife has been banging other men since before we were married. She apologized the first time. My acceptance of her apology and my naïve belief that she had "learned her lesson" was taken as permission to do it constantly thereafter.

there is something to be said for working on yourself. in one month i've gone from a pathetic, groveling basketcase to someone who has a touch of dignity because i quit whining and begging my own unfaithful (not just sexually unfaithful, but in every other conceivable way too) wife to stay married to me.

this woman has left you. you don't need her for anything. accept that and things begin falling into place pretty rapidly.

[Quart9]

Your right crush and you are great inspiration. I've only heard, "I'm sorry I've hurt you." I'm not gonna hold my breath for her to say, "I'm sorry I did that." I just pray there'll be a day when she looks back and regrets it or hopefully a day (maybe even an extended period of time) when Karma leaves a burning bag of dog poop on her door step.

I've never seen OM before but I just keep getting this replay in my head of her doing it with another guy. It makes me sick. I'm torchering myself. There's a part of me that hoped she would be "good" enough not to let it go that far - how naïve of me.

Your right, acceptance, moving on, and improving myself are the key.

[GH31]

Q9,

So she told me - she did/they did.

PA confirmed 2.21.10

Un - F'ing - believable.

Man, my heart goes out to you.

You have confirmed what most of the old timers on here already knew.

I'm very sorry mate.

Does she not have a conscience? The woman I loved, married, planned to have kids with, planned to spend the rest of my life with -- went on a weekend cruise, met and fooled around with a married man, came home started an EA with him, manipulated me into moving out, and then slept with him.

There is nothing a cheating wife won't do to propagate her affair.

There is no level low enough in terms of behaviour, no level they won't stoop to.

This cannot be real - this is not really happening!!

It is real.

It is happening.

Breathe, hold your balls, make a plan then execute it coldly.

She confirmed she went with him. She also confirmed he is still married "but he and his wife are not together."

My wife said the exact same thing to her OM.

Find out who he is, who his wife is and expose this piece of insect life to his wife.

Remember all cheaters lie - to everyone and anyone, about everything and anything.

The whole time we have been together I always thought so highly of her character- I thought she was so good and would never cheat.

So did I.

So did all of us.

I'm very sorry Q9.

I feel like such a fool...

She has taken you for one Quart9. It's time to show her who you really are, that you're not one.

GH31

[Gnosis]

Q9, I'm sorry. Now that you know the truth you can decide on the path you want to take. If it's any consolation, at least she had the courtesy of telling you the truth. Many others never even get that.

Take your time to absorb this. Take your time to grieve. Now is not the time to be angry. Cut off all contact for at least a few days so you can recover.

Stay strong.

[sportsfan33]

Take your time to absorb this. Take your time to grieve. Now is not the time to be angry. Cut off all contact for at least a few days so you can recover.

Stay strong.

This is GREAT advice...I know you might not want to hear that now but it's the truth.

My take on this --- the relationship was probably slowly going south for several years...it's done with, you can't change the past - but after some time passes really start reflecting on what went wrong and what you may need to work on for future relationships - be it with her or someone else. This really helped me let go of my anger...

Look in 99% of these cases, two people are at fault for the state of relationship, NOT THE AFFAIR, but the relationship in general. Learn from this and vow to yourself not to make the same mistakes in the future.

She was missing something from you - emotional connection or something - whatever it was had been missing for a while and she met this need with OM. In many cases, the WAW is NOT sorry for the affair because this need was met. They may be genuinely sorry they hurt you but not sorry for their actions - they are two separate things.

Right now she's in the fog and is doing the usual script - rewriting marital history, etc. Most of this have seen this...and it sucks ass.

It doesn't mean a death sentence for a relationship with her - but only YOU can decide what you can tolerate and put up with, how long you'll wait, etc. As Gnosis said - you need to step back and just try to absorb this for a bit.

I stopped eating and sleeping for the better part of two weeks...It was awful, but just don't do anything rash because you're going through a blur of emotions right now.

My situation hasn't improved at all - but at least I have some clarity now and am much more self aware of what I'm dealing with...that took the better part of two months for me.

Good luck and I feel for you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

We've all been there buddy. Just hang in there. My W did the same and she always thought I would cheat on her. Crazy.

Yep -- me too. It's why I always try to warn people on here, who are telling all of us "Oh, no -- not MY wife. Not in a million years!"

Hang in there,

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She sent me a text to tell me that she was sorry she hurt me but that she has been hurting for the past 4 years/our relationship was not what it needed to be. She says she was not happy in our marriage, she reached out and tried to make changes, asked me to make changes, but when I finally did it was too late - she was done. She says she is sorry that it had to end with me attacking her character and hopes I can see her side of the story one day.

All four years were bad huh? None of it was good. Yes I'll admit I knew she was unhappy at times and she did reach out. There were times when I was unhappy too. I knew I should have done more to change. I made mistakes, but does that justify her actions? Does that justify her selfishly trying to fulfill her "happiness" by having an affair with another married man? In such a cliche' scenerio too - met him on a cruise- come on? She acts like our marriage problems totally justifies it - she shows no remorse.

It's just the classic "re-writing of marital history" b.s., Quart. And NO, that DIDN'T justify her having an affair. If she was that frigging unhappy, she should have sat you down and asked for a S or D before she did that. What she did was SELFISH, and now she's trying to trash all four years of your relationship to justify it.

OWN YOUR HALF, but no more.

Puppy

[Quart9]

Thank you GH31, Gnosis, Sportsfan, and Puppy Dog for all of your replies. I'm taking the info and advice that I have received from each of you into account.

I feel like this is a death sentence for our relationship and I'm pretty sure she does too. I really don't think there is a way I could trust her again. I guess I am lucky that she admitted it and I feel like it has given me some closure. Though now that she has admitted it, I just don't think I can feel the same for her again.

Its crazy because despite all of this it STILL seems like getting over will be tough. A lot of it is the stupid day-to-day things and little stuff I remember about her/us. Am I going to compare the women I meet in the future to her and (despite what she has done) will I find someone better?

I talked to my Dad tonight and he said it took him almost 8 years to get over my Mom (she didn't cheat on him that I know of). He says he still thinks about her sometimes. Both of my parents have been married four times each. My Dad just got divorced from his last wife and my Mom and step-dad are in jeopardy of splitting up now too. I just don't want to repeat this pattern ya know.

I'm absorbing this - most of what I have felt IS anger because I think I am all grieved out really. I keep getting this repeat mental image of her doing it with another dude! Yeah, she was missing something from me and our marriage and she went found it in someone else - in a smokey bar on a Carnival Cruise to Ensenada, Mexico (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little). And you guys are right, she is rewriting marital history, but I will own up to my half screwing it up - but no more(Amen Puppy).

Tomorrow I am skipping class and making a B-line to my attorney. I think now its gonna be a race to see who files first. I just pray that she doesn't find a way to put a restraining order on me and spoil my chances at spousal support. I'm also going NC until we are required to talk due to the D, filing our taxes, whatever. She hasn't been talking to me recently anyhow and I don't expect that to change.

[GH31]

Quart9,

You're welcome.

Its crazy because despite all of this it STILL seems like getting over will be tough.

Yes mate, it will be tough.

Make no mistake about it.

A lot of it is the stupid day-to-day things and little stuff I remember about her/us.

Yes. This will be so.

Am I going to compare the women I meet in the future to her?

Yes.

and (despite what she has done) will I find someone better?

Yes.

Keep reading here. Learn about the kind of man that nearly all well-adjusted women would be thrilled to have as a husband and be that man.

Both of my parents have been married four times each.

Wow.

How long (approximately) were each of these marriages?

I'm absorbing this - most of what I have felt IS anger because I think I am all grieved out really.

This is arguably the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with in this lifetime.

You can expect to cycle through rage, overwhelming sadness, feeling like wanting to beg, grovel, vengefulness, jealousy - all of it, and you will do for some time.

I keep getting this repeat mental image of her doing it with another dude!

I'm getting an enormous feeling of déjà vu reading this.

This is your thread but I'll share with you some of the thoughts and feelings I had. I wanted to hit OM's head with a sledgehammer, I wanted to run him over with a steamroller feet first, get my career-criminal uncle who lived nearby to torch his house.

Then during the time my wife has been home her haughty, indifferent attitude has at times made me want to be violent with her too. I've felt like smashing her face with a brick - the worse thing (for me) is that she had sex with OM whilst she was pregnant with our son and was threatening to have him aborted. I haven't been violent with her though - I have told her she deserves all the pain she's felt, that it's a right and just outcome given the choices she has made.

I feel for you Quart9, I really do.

Tomorrow I am skipping class and making a B-line to my attorney.

Good.

I think now its gonna be a race to see who files first.

Make sure you win.

I just pray that she doesn't find a way to put a restraining order on me and spoil my chances at spousal support.

Be outside the door of your attorney's office before s/he gets there.

I'm also going NC until we are required to talk due to the D, filing our taxes, whatever.

Good.

She hasn't been talking to me recently anyhow and I don't expect that to change.

It will, but probably not yet.

Adulterous wives to respond only to their own discomfort. Yours will do the same in time.

Hang in there son.

GH31