Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

Oh, H4L, the calling the cops incident is really low. You sound so discouraged, understandably.

I'm wondering if your H is somewhat similar to mine. The cops incident is a huge overreaction and I've noticed that my H really overreacts when I am being harsh (often for good reason...being a sleep-deprived mama is no joke). A lot of my H's anger and rage is a way of "defending" himself against me, for "crimes" that I consider pretty minor (usually a negative comment or tone of voice when my irritation or frustration gets the better of me).

Anyway my DB coach had an insight for me that, given that my S has "sensory" issues, it might help me to look at my H as having sensory issues as well. That he might hear an angry word or harsh tone of voice from me as being much worse that it is in actuality.

My H is a big, macho guy who is very forceful, but in some ways I think he has "lived in fear" of me as well. I think that feeling criticized by me has cut him to his core, and I did not understand how deep this could run until I read How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.

Although you have not freaked out since last June, honestly our guys might feel like abused spouses do -- that it might happen at any moment regardless of how long it's been. Your H is stuck in defense/attack mode and I've dealt with that a lot.

I think that really listening to your H in C tomorrow is a good idea. It may be that he just can't change. Or it may be that the see-sawing is part of the reconciliation process. I think it would be really positive if your H could show some vulnerability around the pain that he feels when you have "mistreated" him in the past.

Byron Katie says that there's my business, there's your business and there's God's business. All we can do is get back to what's "my business".

I hope you have a peaceful night.