Quote: I don't WANT to be mad at him, but there is a bit of me that is still feeling resentful over feeling like I got screwed. I was after all unhappy with the r and upon learning about his "friendship" and dealing with his leaving let feelings fester of "I'm the one who should have done it".
You're pissed because he one-upped you!!
Hey, I can deal with that. That's true and honest. And what it also says is that neither one of you is truly happy.
That's OKAY!! It's okay to be unhappy. It's even okay if BOTH of you are unhappy. The important part is for both of you to say, 'hm. We're not as happy as we want to be. What are WE going to do about it?'
Own it. Get him to the point that he is willing to own it, too. I'm sure you know very well that recognizing there is a problem is half the battle.
Sorry, I did not mean to make you cry. Clearly, you have needs that are not being met, and it ISN'T all you, though I think I said that in my last post. He has needs that aren't being met, and I don't think HE is clearly communicating them to you, or I'm sure you'd be more than happy to do what you could to accommodate him.
Quote: why do I think that all these feelings would be resolved if h would just show more interest physically?
Because it is a language you understand. What you do not understand is HIS language. So what you've determined here is that anger is not getting what you want, and being a friend to him is not getting you what you want.
Let me interrupt myself here by saying I hope that you understand that you are in fact a wonderful, giving person and someone completely worthy of being loved for who and what you are. If you don't truly know this, then you have some work to do with yourself. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you can concentrate on yourself because you are worth it.
Okay. So anger and friendship aren't getting you what you want, and you are not clear what his needs are.
Quote: Own it. Get him to the point that he is willing to own it, too. I'm sure you know very well that recognizing there is a problem is half the battle.
I've got one of those guys that is happy as long as your happy. Doesn't complain about anything, doesn't ask for anything etc. When on the rare occassion we have a bit of an r talk he assures me everything is fine and he's happy.
Quote: Clearly, you have needs that are not being met, and it ISN'T all you, though I think I said that in my last post. He has needs that aren't being met, and I don't think HE is clearly communicating them to you, or I'm sure you'd be more than happy to do what you could to accommodate him.
he swears he just easy like that...doesn't want for much...need for much or perhaps he doesn't even realize it himself. As I stated above though, he doesn't complain and would not say that he is unhappy or not having his needs met unless of course one of his needs is to be left alone to do whatever he wants without feeling guilty for not paying attention to the wife and kids.
Quote: Sorry, I did not mean to make you cry.
I often cry when I read a post that is right on and doesn't allow me to hide from the truth I know inside.
Quote: Because it is a language you understand. What you do not understand is HIS language.
I've come to "think" that his language's are acts of service and words of affirmation while mine are quality time and physical touch.
I do my best to praise him, compliment him and the work he does. I do his laundry, offer to take care of what I can for him or just do it. Again no complaints from him.
Quote: So what you've determined here is that anger is not getting what you want, and being a friend to him is not getting you what you want.
anger only gets me so far, tired of feeling like I'm being manipulative in getting angry and wishing that I could just allow myself to express fear without hiding behind the defense of anger.
Being his friend does get me closer to the goal but not quite there.
Quote: Let me interrupt myself here by saying I hope that you understand that you are in fact a wonderful, giving person and someone completely worthy of being loved for who and what you are. If you don't truly know this, then you have some work to do with yourself. Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, you can concentrate on yourself because you are worth it.
btw, I also tend to get a bit teary when folks compliment me!
Quote: If so, then I think it's time to go to Plan B.
Quote: I've got one of those guys that is happy as long as your happy.
Welp, then he's not happy because you sure as heck aren't. And him basing his happiness on your happiness is so frickin' manipulative I can't even stand it. Puts one hell of a lot of pressure on you, now doesn't it? If you would just be happy, then all of us could be happy.
Passive Aggressive bullsh!t, that's what that is.
However, this is interesting:
Quote: Being his friend does get me closer to the goal but not quite there.
How does it get you closer? What are you doing that he responds to when you are acting as his friend?
And, what is the goal? Where do you want to get to by being his friend.
Plan B does include the bedroom, if you want it to.
Quote: Welp, then he's not happy because you sure as heck aren't. And him basing his happiness on your happiness is so frickin' manipulative I can't even stand it. Puts one hell of a lot of pressure on you, now doesn't it? If you would just be happy, then all of us could be happy.
Passive Aggressive bullsh!t, that's what that is.
you know this, I know this, but if I try to explain this to h somehow I come off as a looney that is all screwed up. I don't think he means to be that way...sort of bread that way is all.
Quote: How does it get you closer? What are you doing that he responds to when you are acting as his friend?
it gets me closer because the pressure is off him to be anything to me. He is more relaxed etc.
what I do then is just let him be, do my best to not take anything he does or doesn't do personally.
Quote: And, what is the goal? Where do you want to get to by being his friend.
what is the goal? to get laid more often of course (again making light with humor) the goal is to have a comfortable intimate relaitionship in which we each feel comfortable and satisfied.
Quote: So tell me what Plan B might look like.
well that's no fun!! thought you were going to do the work for me.
it's hard for me to come up with a plan of action becuase I've been stuck trying to many different things for years I see nothing will work.
I do know what I want though just not how to get from here to there.
Quote: well that's no fun!! thought you were going to do the work for me.
it's hard for me to come up with a plan of action becuase I've been stuck trying so many different things for years I see nothing will work. I do know what I want though just not how to get from here to there.
Nonsense. You know more than you think you do. You know what DOESN'T work, and that is something. You know what KINDA works, and that is something, too. So build on it. Come on, you can do this. If nothing else, jesus, girl, GUESS.
If you are somehow under the misguided impression that I am going to withhold my opinions, well....
Let's brainstorm. Throw stuff at the wall and let's see if it sticks. You have absolutely nothing to loose here, except maybe a few brain cells from overuse.
Go grab a pad of paper and start writing. Just let it flow. Scratch off nothing. Write whatever comes to mind even if it sounds stupid, corny or cheesey.
And then type it up here tomorrow. I have to sign off now and get my kiddies in bed, and need to pay some attention to my H.
ok here's some of what I've come up with. Obviously I need a bit of help with putting some of these things into action or actually comming up with some action oriented ideas but here's a start....
what doesn't work or keeps me in the neg hole.
-trying to place blame in either direction for what happened in the past
- letting myself belive that ow has something I don't
-letting my self worth depend on h
- making assumptions about h's intentions
- making assumptions about h's feelings
-taking things personally
-having expectations
-dwelling on what ISN'T happening
things that work or keep me seeing things in a better light
-living in the now
-letting h just be
-not taking it personally when h is tired or otherwise occupied
-letting go of fear (damn that's a hard one)
-letting go of expectations (another hard one)
-feeling comfortable in my own skin (relates to not depending on h for my self worth, hard to do when feeling good about myself and still feeling indirectly rejected by h then makes me resentful toward him)
-owning my own happines (it's not h's job to make me happy)
-owning my own feelings of insecurity and not making it h's responsibility to make me feel good about myself (and yes I know I've used this one in different forms already...guess that means it's a big part of the problem)
-focussing on what is good or going well.
so then I just came up with an action for dealing with the self issue. I have a gym membership, had started going and taking advantage of the daycare they have there so I could go during the day...the kids got colds so I stopped going..time to get back there either during the day or at night.
When I leave the past where it should be and put my fears asside there tends to be more cuddling and a more up beat attitude from h. However if after a period of time the amount of 'sex' or passion stays minimal I fall back into the trap of self doubt wich in turn leads to my doubt of the sincerity of h's desire to actually be IN a r with me as apposed to just reaping the benefits of having a "good wife" to take care of him, the kids and his home.
I'm sure there is a whole lot more to say but I'll let you chew on these thoughts for a bit.
Corri is just wonderful isn't she? She got you started on writing those goals. I think you have done really well and have found new direction and a new starting point.
Its funny she got us mixed up earlier on but not only are our acronyms similar, our sitch is quite identical too. Your H sounds pretty much like mine and both (mine and H's love languages sound like yours and Hs too!)
We are both SAHM with little ones, married to LD Hs who's had an A. My H too is the kind of guy who is perfectly happy and rarely complains and just wishes that I will stop complaining and just enjoy what we have the way he is. The only thing that stops his enjoyment is me complaining it seems.
The only difference is that H had a PA. Boy was I pissed about that one. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant at the time when I found out. Although the A was over then it was still hard to deal with. I so needed the reassurance of intimacy with H which he could not give me and so I turned inward and became very unhappy with myself. At the time of the A, H only initiated things like once a month. I was ok with it because I thought he was busy with work and I really felt awful when I found out that he had been having these heavy petting sessions with coworker (OW) during lunch hour and after work. So of course I turned inward and thought it must be ME, ME that he didn't want, ME that wasn't good enough for him.
Its taken a lot of hard work to come to this point where I am now to be able feel secure enough to say, no its not ME. H has accepted full responsibility for his indiscretion and assured me that its all his fault and nothing to do with me. I had asked if there was anything I could change about myself to prevent a future occurance.
Anyway the point is, like Corri said its important to let go. Important to get back to feeling secure about yourself, enough to let go of the past hurt, not dwell on it any longer, its over, so what if he did not tell you the entire truth (for whatever reason, maybe he feels the truth is too hurtful to you or he is too afraid to admit his own faults -whatever, its over. It no longer matters. What matters is he is home and your future together. Work on that. Why should you continue to let a PAST hurt continue to hurt your M in the future?) And don't, don't ever equate the lack of intimacy to his lack of feelings for you. Thats a classic putting yourself down for you know it is not that way at all. You speak different love languages that is all. I am going to throw back at you what you once said to me. Listen harder to your H's love language. Why don't you start by listing down all his love languages to you right now?
Also, try to think back about what was different about yours and his behaviour when he first came back. What did you do? What did he do? And How did you spend your time together then as compared to now. Maybe that will give you some light as to why there was more intimacy then.
I have to go feed my daughter now. Its lunchtime for me here but will give your sitch more thought. Take care. LH
Damn, girl, you are tearing it up!! Good for you. This gets to be your cheat sheet. You wrote this in a wonderfully sane moment. So trust yourself. You know your situation better than anyone else. When the 'crazy' feelings hit, lock yourself in the bathroom with your list, do some deep breathing exercises and reread all the things you know don't work, and all the things you know that do. Repeat to yourself over and over and over again, "I will stick to my goals, I will stick to my goals, I will stick to my goals."
It'll help calm the panic attacks and refocus your energy on yourself again... where it belongs.
Now, the two biggest things I see on your list is your self-worth and your control issue. It seems to me when your self-worth starts getting out of hand, your need to control starts rising its ugly head. And when you get controlling and demanding, your H withdraws.
Okay. Cool. We've got a pattern of behavior here that is certainly well within YOUR control. Honey, there is NOTHING more attractive than a self-confident woman, and when you reach the point where you are not living for his attention and approval, whew, look out girl, can you say 'dog in heat?'
Now that you have some goals outlined for your relationship, write out your goals for building your self-confidence. Understand how you get derailed, too. (For example, when the kids get sick, I don't go to the gym during the day. So, if the kids get sick, then I will arrange for H to be home so I can get to the gym at night, or call a sitter or whatever).
Do you have a community center that offers classes or workshops on yoga, personal fulfillment, or positive thinking... stuff like that? If not, are you willing to watch tapes, read books, etc? Do you have a girlfriend with whom you can do this? A sort of mini-bookclub for positive growth so you meet each week and get out of the house by yourself?
If your H is tired when he comes home at the end of the day, and you feel neglected by him laying on the couch, what are you going to plan for you and your kids to do in the evenings? Filling your time up with planned activities that you and your kids like, until they go to bed, is going to keep your attention off him, and what he is NOT doing.
And then once your kids are in bed, what will you being doing, or where will you be going? If he is going to lay around the house like a slug... fine. Let him. There's no reason he can't be with the kids while he's being a slug, and you're at the library, or the gym, or at the movies with a girlfriend.
See where I'm heading with this? You just need a plan. And remember you are doing this for you, NOT for him.
Luvhubby made some really great points about letting go of the past, and thinking about what things were like when the two of you were cooking in the bedroom. Really think about that. It contains some significant clues about your H and what attracts him.
And when those "but I just want to be with him!" moments hit, understand that this is your self-confidence waivering, and you now know what the cycle is if you decide to give in to a weak moment, and where that's going to get you. (And you will, that's okay, no biggie. Just get back on track as quickly as you can).
I haven't posted much as things seem to be going well...h and I had the old "sex" argument a few nights ago..you know the argument that isn't intended to be an argument but always ends up as one...feelings seem to run far and the discussion becomes more than just the intended subject of sex? though the argument was not fun and I expected to get the cold sholder for a few days, things seem to be going very well...now before you ask if you haven't already...no there still has been no actual passionate physical touching going on but my guess is that it's comming.
H and I are going away for a few days next weekend and I am so looking forward to it...wont expect sex but heck if it happens that'll be a bonus..I'm just looking forward to getting away from "life" and escaping with h for a few days.
I don't post much on this thread because there's obviosly more going on in my m than just the ole sex issue...(I do have another thread in piecing that was started by KAW titled lostlove here's my 2cents)
ok all I really have to say here (and you ssm men can yell at me all you want) is that it really and truly royally sucks to be an attractive, vibrant, sexy woman with a h who has a low libido!!!
talk about a pma killer and a m death sentance...wtf is wrong with some guys?!
