I have to say we had a "talk" tonight. It was calm and cool and then after I went to my neighbor's to vent and came back calm and cool.
Glad to be hearing what H really thinks and to hear it calmly. But frankly his tune hasn't changed for eight months and I'm fed up.
He says he "doesn't think we can be together because what's done is done and you can't change the past." I still don't get it. It's like somehow we could have never made it because we had these horrible issues from the start, so nothing will ever be ok. He feels he should have been less confused and confronted me about splitting up long before because of THINGS I DID.
I'm sorry. I've owned my crap. I've made changes. I'm on these damn boards hours a day. And in his mind he's still the victim of a person whom he will always fear will "cross the line". Somehow because of my banshee attitude in the past nothing will ever change. You know what? Tonight I'm at FINE. If we can't move on together, if we can't forgive, change and grow, then forget it I can't do any more. If he can't feel one drop of remorse over the injustices he has acted out over me, then f it. I cannot do this alone any more.
Here's the biggie - when S was three or four months old, I was completely sleep deprived and struggling with a baby who wouldn't eat. It was terrifying. They had told me when he was five days old that he might have menengitis and might die in 72 hours. Any mom on these boards knows how stressful the early months are.
H and I got into a fight one night. He gets nasty and refuses to bring in a rocking chair I had bought which was sitting outside in the rain. I lose my temper, he loses his temper, we have a blow out. I'm out of my mind exhausted and I hit his arm - granted NO EXCUSE. This guy lifts 250 lbs at the gymn weekly. I was a new mom, hadn't exercised in over a year. HE CALLS THE COPS ON ME. I take the baby and hide in the car for an hour. They hunt me down and drag me to jail, taking my new baby back home.
What kind of man does this to his wife?
Yes, I was at fault too. I wasn't just sitting there like mother Theresa. But he's scared of me? How cruel was that?
I am furious at this thing of he has to D me because I freak out. H tells me tonight that all the stuff we talk about in MC just isn't that big of a deal to him. The "real issues" are underneath, and that he never talked about them because "I" never wanted to hear them. I'm sick of the blame. His anger, coldness, meanness is the issue to me. I know I shouldn't freak out. But it's hell living with someone like this and I'm done.
He says they "don't matter" because we were working on them in therapy before the bomb and we still had giant issues - I still freaked out on him. My stance is - and he refuses to hear this - is that it hasn't worked because he continues to blame me! He hasn't treated me with enough respect, love, and kindness!
ANd guess what, he admits I haven't "freaked out" since last JUNE! But he still lives in fear? I told him (jokingly) that he hasn't freaked out since yesterday. He doesn't hear.
Advice on therapy tomorrow?
I'm going to listen and validate. He says I haven't heard him? I will. He will not be able to use that excuse. Maybe I will learn something. And if he dumps me - that's the ultimate test. Can I be this cool and calm when there's nothing to gain?
Then I'm going to stand up for myself. There were two in those rooms. The cruelty went both ways. I'm willing to forgive and forget if we can work on new ways of relating. If he's going to hold a grudge forever, and if he's going to stab me with a hot poker and then divorce me if I cry, so be it.
It's weird. I'm so confused. One day I think we're getting somewhere and that in my heart I know he'll come back. Other days like today I think he hasn't moved a centimeter and therefor there is no hope. I think I need to give up hope. Face the sad terrifying truth of being alone from the person who vowed to love and care for me
The other thing is that he is wearing his wedding ring less and less. We had a big talk - he said he's not out to pick up chicks or make a statement to me or the world, but if we're not together it feels inauthentic to wear it.
