My Story...grass is greener (pt 2)

[nsw1222]

Oh I've condsidered the possibility of some sort of co-conspiracy type charge for knowing and not saying anything. That or if my L advises against using the information in the custody suit for whatever reason, I wont. I certainly dont want to jeopardize my case for custody of D3 any further.

But if the custody suit doesnt at least maintain my visitation with D3 or something akin, then I will consider making an anonymous tip. In which case, my ex is still likely to be charged once its been investigated thoroughly, and I can then go back and seek full or even sole custody once that happens.

It's not so much irrational thinking as it is "backed into a corner" thinking. It's very primitive thinking I will admit...echoing back to the "fight or flight" response found in both our caveman ancestors as well as well as lower order animals of today.

And as I said, its not something I would really enjoy doing. My ex is the one who decided to start the proceedings in a heinous manner and treat me as if I were nothing more than a sperm donor to her.

And yes, I contributed to the situation being where it is by things I did/didnt do during the R and agitative things I did/said after she left as far as wanting her back and not leaving her alone with the OM, but in the end the choice was ultimately hers. I did not decide to end the R nor could I decide to keep it together...if one wants out, thats how it works. I also did not decide to take up with another person prior to the end of the R nor did I decide to not give me/the R another chance. I couldnt make any of those decisions.

Sorry that I couldnt immediately toss aside my family and feelings for a woman who I was deeply involved with for over 7.5 years like a pair of old socks. I guess if I was able to think like my ex does...and devalue the entire realtionship until it had no meaning, then I would have been fine.

What's best for my daughter is to stay with me IMO. Before my ex and I split up I was super dad...and my ex resented me for it. Odds are only a handfull of fathers were as active in their daughters life as I was. Now that my ex has left us, she suddenly decides she wants a more active part in D3's life after three years of treating her like a toy that gets played with when convenient. I dont think so.

Additionally the odds are she's doing this now only to hurt me...to pay me back for not totally accepting and letting her have the perfect "in love" feeling romance with the OM and go on her merry way from the start.

And yes, I see that what I may do as far as reporting her activites could be condidered tit for tat as in only doing it to hurt her...but I'm not looking forward to it given its someone I cared so much so I dont think its as vengefully motivated. I will only do it if it means securing D3's future with me.

[nsw1222]

NSW: Is it possible that your anger is making it hard to see where you could improve the situation for your kids? I might have missed it, but if there was something criminal going on, KnittedScarff has a point - you need to separate this issue from your marriage/divorce. If you feel it would be something you would send to the police for any friend/family, then do it.

If you'd never do it for your own family or friends, you might want to think carefully after talking to your IC.

Therein lies the real issue. If she and I were still together I would be unlikely to even consider taking any action. But if she and I were still together, there would be no visitation or custody issues with D3 either and D3 would still be in my primary care while her mother worked and partied. So she would be in great hands.

And the crime isnt a violent or petty one...but ethically speaking it isnt something a good role model for a child would engage in for years.

And given my bad reaction to what my ex did to me/our family as well as her shenanigans over the past two months, nothing else I have on her may be enough to keep her from getting at least joint custody if not primary or full. I know, and even my ex's family (or at least her mother) believes what we have now works and is best for D3.

I will bet anything that my ex and either her father or OM, or all of them decided to do this as a way of pushing me out of D3's life and securing their role in my ex's and or D3's life. And if her father had anything to do with it, you can bet he's relishing the idea of sticking it to his ex wife (my ex's mother) by having my ex gain full custody because while D3 lives over there my ex's mother will be cut out from 90% of her visitation with D3...that's how much he hates her (and my ex isnt too fond of her either).

[MrBond]

Can you seriously not read your posts and see that you're just seething with anger? All of the stuff you're proposing is pretty crazy. I mean, if you knew your W was doing something illegal, why didn't you report it sooner?

"And the crime isnt a violent or petty one...but ethically speaking it isnt something a good role model for a child would engage in for years."

Is it illegal or not? There is no gray area. If you think it's going to make you look like a hero, it's not. It's going to show the judge that you two are an extremely dysfunctional pair and might take your D away to Child Protective Services. Seriously.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

nsw,

WHAT THE F IS THIS "CRIME"?? Why are you being so cryptic? This is an anonymous message board, for crissakes.

Puppy

[newmama]

marijuana? drugs of some kind at least...or was she doing work "under the table" and evading taxes? Or prostitution? Or working for the mafia?

sorry my imagination is running wild...

[nsw1222]

Sorry for being so cryptic but since things have gone beyond serious in my sitch I get nervous that my exs L might have a PI or something monitoring my net activity. that and my username isnt as anonymous as everyone elses.

newmama got it right though.

[flowmom]

nsw, would you intentionally deprive your D of her primary caregiving parent by sending her to jail? What kind of father are you?

[knittedscarff]

marijuana? drugs of some kind at least...or was she doing work "under the table" and evading taxes? Or prostitution? Or working for the mafia?

So let me get this straight...if your ex hadn't left you, you would be TOTALLY OK with her trick-turning, 4:20 loving, horsehead in the bed - it's just business, not personal - Bernie Madoff inspired self? (I'm guessing your ex is cuter than Madoff, but who can tell). Or is it just one of these criminal activities that she's participating in?

Personally, I was hoping for something truly deviant, like cutting tags off of mattresses or failure to pay parking tickets. But it sounds to me like you've got the most bad a$$ movie playing in your head - part Godfather, part Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.

In any case, illegal is illegal. Like someone else said, there's no gray area when it comes to the law. And seriously, you are putting your daughter at risk for Child Protective Services. You really need to think about this.

But since she has left you for an old fart, you want to bring up her failures...although you wouldn't see them as a problem if she was banging you and not him.

Am I missing the logic of this?

Jeez, divorce is hard enough. Why add all of this drama to it?

[nsw1222]

nsw, would you intentionally deprive your D of her primary caregiving parent by sending her to jail? What kind of father are you?

Thats why I have misgivings about doing it...although my ex is NOT the primary caregiving parent. I currently have D3 6 of 7 nights and one full day during that, and even before we split up I was the primary caregiver.

I dont want her to go to jail...I dont want to use what I know given what could happen to her...but am I just supposed to let them take D3 away from me by her and her L throwing all the crap back at me that happend over the last month or so because of what she did in the first place?

If it wouldnt come back on me as blackmail, I would just tell my ex what I know and ask her to work this out amicably instead of trying to take D3 away and her getting in trouble.

marijuana? drugs of some kind at least...or was she doing work "under the table" and evading taxes? Or prostitution? Or working for the mafia?

So let me get this straight...if your ex hadn't left you, you would be TOTALLY OK

no not really. I was never comfortable with it in all the years its been going on.

In any case, illegal is illegal. Like someone else said, there's no gray area when it comes to the law. And seriously, you are putting your daughter at risk for Child Protective Services. You really need to think about this.

But since she has left you for an old fart, you want to bring up her failures...although you wouldn't see them as a problem if she was banging you and not him.

Am I missing the logic of this?

I know. Thats why I'm hoping the stuff thats 100% pertaining to this custody case is enough to help me keep things as they are.

My using this information would have nothing to do with her and the OM doing whatever they do...as I said I'm done with her and if she wants to be with him thats her choice. It has everything to do with her trying to take D3 away from me and saying it is in the best interests of D3. Like I said, before any of this happened I was still the primary caregiver and frequently and resentfully dubbed "super dad" by my ex.

The sad thing is...much like when she left us and broke up our family...the real person to lose in all of this is D3...and despite all my attempts to convince my ex otherwise, she continues to say and think "D3 will be fine...I am a great role model for D3 when she's in my care".

[flowmom]

If you are serious about having access to your child, you will stop wasting your time with blackmail/revenge fantasies. You will make yourself project #1 and you will find a really good IC and go at least once a week. I would also suggest supplementing with some kind of AA meeting once or twice a week (maybe codependent or whatever applies) -- because you need to be in a group situation where people are calling you on your stuff. You will go to a Dr. and take whatever meds you need.

You are consumed by the idea of your W "taking away" your D, but you dug your own grave. The only way to dig out is to start following the advice that you've been given in this thread.