Quote: I just want to know what I'm forgiving him for. should it matter at this point what happend? will he pay extra if he DID do anything with her? no it's just that I would like to know and thus far his answer leaves me wondering.
Listen to yourself here. He has given you his answer, but you are the one still in doubt. Take him for his word and move on. You are forgiving him for exactly what he has told you. Period. If some other information is brought to light in the future, deal with it then. Don't go borrowing trouble. You are going to have to find a way to let this one go.
Or, is it that you still WANT to be mad at him?
Quote: (She was) someone who was always happy to hear from him and expected nothing from him at all
Bingo. There is the beginning to your answer. She helped make him feel good about himself. She made no demands, laid down no expectations. He could be himself and was not criticized for all that he 'wasn't' doing.
You, on the other hand, are sending him mixed signals. You tell him you want to feel closer to him, yet you continue to act in an angry manner toward him.
Remember, anger is a defense mechanism in our 'fight or flight' interaction with our environment. Anger is there to send a signal to whatever or whomever is trying to hurt us to STAY AWAY.
So you're telling him you want to be closer, but your actions are screaming at him to stay away. You are like a rider kicking your horse to gallop, yet at the same time you are yanking back on the reins. He doesn't know what to do, so, like a horse, he just stands there and feels all jumpy.
But you gotta be careful of this, because like a horse, he is going to reach his limit and try to get you off his back so he can bite you in the butt for all that kicking and yanking.
So which is it? Do you want to be mad at him, or do you want to be close to him?
Quote: I know that I contribute to the cycle by being reserved and scared but what can I do about that when the reassurance of h's fully and passionately wanting to be with ME isn't displayed?
Girl!!! He DOES want to be with you!! He came back, he's in the house with you, he LOVES you. Believe it or not, YOU are the one being unclear here, not him.
