Pls help--confused and fearful

[Day by Day]

Thanks newmama.

Well yesterday I went to the mandatory parenting class for divorcing parents. Four hours long and I feel I could use much more. It was really helpful. Hearing the other parents discuss their sitchs and the info that was shared helped me focus more on the kids and gave me a look into the future. Very difficult. I plan on going to more of the parenting classes that they offer for the support and advice.

Thankfully, I'm doing much better. Leaning on my friends and lots of prayer. I'm focusing on my schoolwork and planning my future. I went to the open house of another school that offers the program I'm interested in. Costs much more, but I feel it's a better education and it is much more closer to home (or at least the area where I want to stay).

I've got to keep my focus now as I have several exams coming up and the temp support hearing in a couple weeks. Focus, focus... don't like that I'll have to see STBX and be cross examined by his L. That will be hard. I haven't seen STBX for several months. The kids keep telling me what an angry man he is and ready to start a fight with anyone. He's not at peace... well, it definitely shows in his emails to me. Guess that would have mattered to me before that it seems like his conscience is bothering him... don't matter now. He has to live with the damage he's caused. I'm not available to help him clean it up only to pickup up the slack where it pertains to the kids.

[Day by Day]

Okay I know now why he is so angry... it's all over having to give us temporary support. I should have known that... duh. I have a conference with my L tomorrow to discuss what he's offering me. I have to get the house listed for sale. I knew that, but hearing my L tell me that he's asking for it hurts a bit. He doesn't want to have to go to the hearing in 2 wks. He's trying to get the D moving along fast my L says.

Uh, this abandonment really hurts... he's on the fast track to get me so out of his life.

Think I should change my name to hour by hour or minute by minute.

[newmama]

I don't get why he is pissed about paying temporary support--why doesn't he "get" that it is part of the consequence for leaving his wife and kids in the lurch? And it IS temporary, right?

Glad you found the parenting classes useful...good luck on your exams!

What could his L possibly "find" from cross examining you? Is he trying to prove alienation?

[Day by Day]

He's PO'd because he's a very controlling man and he is being told what to do/that a judge will make him pay... that he needs to give us temp support until the D is final and the CS and alimony is decided. Yes, it seems as though he doesn't get that he has a parental responsibility that is financial as well as emotional.

I don't think the x-examining is for anything other than determining how much money I need and where I got the totals from. It still is scary though.

I'm working on responding to his nasty emails... they are regarding the children, so I'm trying not to be baited into the other BS in it. We have serious communication issues and I have gotten mighty comfortable being NC. But, it is necessary to communicate for the kids no matter how uncomfortable it is to have any convo with such a cruel and controlling man. And he IS baiting me big time. I guess I'll just try to see the silver lining in this as I am learning how to deal with extremely difficult people.

My focus = my kids. I have to learn to manage to get along with him to co-parent with him even though he hasn't been a parent to them for years. Hopefully he will learn how to parent NOW. If not, I'll just pick up the slack as always.

[june72]

DbD,
I think it is clear to everyone here that you hubby has gone totally nutty.
The rush to D you. He thinks it will bring him happiness. Wow, how misguided he is.

I feel for your children. Are they the age where they can go to court and state that no longer want contact with their father? I sometimes wish I had done that as a child. Less craziness to deal with.

I think by the times kids get to be 14 or 15 if they do not want to visit the other parent it's their choice completely - I do not know this legally at all. It's just seems to be what I have seem in life, of course a lawyer would know better.

Don't worry- he just keeps digging his own hole. Let him do it and know that his D is a gift in a way. The less you have to deal with his nuttiness the better.

In a way- I hope it makes getting over him easier.

Maybe he has to hide behind anger to try and justify his actions. Maybe if he really owns up to his bad behavior it would be awful for him. So much easier to blame you than to own up to his misbehaving.....

[newmama]

I think it is clear to everyone here that you hubby has gone totally nutty.

True DAT! Seriously, COO COO FOR COCOA PUFFS!

[Day by Day]

Thanks for stopping in june72. I appreciate your support. I agree. He is very misguided and out of control which is fueling his anger.

This past week I've concentrated quite a bit on what is best for our kids. They need a relationship with their dad and I need to help it work no matter how I feel towards him. I've really changed my focus.

I wrote H a response to a nasty email from him and took my time with making sure I was detached and business-like polite--only focused on what is best for the kids again. Voila... no angry, nasty response from him. I even got him to give in to a request he had vehemently denied earlier in the week to bring the kids home a couple hours earlier. I simply responded thanks. Not taking it as any more than it really is. Don't think it's a baby step... won't fool myself.

Then last night before he picked up the kids, I sent him an email detailing info he needed for taking D13 to the Science Fair competition. I wanted to make sure it went smoothly especially since he has NO CLUE on what to do for extracurricular activities with them. Another nice surprise, H sent me a picture message and TM letting me know that D13 was all set up and she would have lunch taken care of. I'm debating on whether to respond a short thanks to that. Guess it would be the right thing to do. ??

Went for a run with a friend this am downtown. Gorgeous weather, fabulous run, love this time of year here. We stopped for breakfast afterward and I run into H's running partner/employee and family. Very uncomfortable for me. But I know he knows about the A and I was in my running gear and with a GIRL friend, smiling and enjoying myself. So showed I'm fine, moving on and GAL. It was still hard though.

Feeling stronger and oh so happy not to be dealing with the meanness for the past few days. But, won't let down my guard. Just learning how to diffuse his anger. Helping his R with the kids seems to do it. Probably I won't get others to agree with me on that, but in the end the benefit is for the kids.

[Day by Day]

I'm not forgetting that he could be being (somewhat) nicer to keep me from fighting hard with my L. That is a huge factor.

[blownaway65]

(((DBD)))

You won't get any argument from this little black duck about the kids J.

For a long time I didn't think W deserved to see the kids, not after 'breaking' my family. Not that I ever discouraged them from seeing W, just didn't encourage it. Mine are older than yours so it's a bit easier for me, my kids can pretty much do what they want (within reason). They're all off ice skating today with W & OM and his kids.

Actually it's a good thing because I've got things I have to get done today and I'm actually looking fwd to a day by myself.

At the end of the day our S's are the kids parent as well, and kids are way better off with 2 parents who love then and want to spend time with them. No matter what WAS does that will never change.

In this case I think Sandi's signature line says it best. Do what works.

Also good though that you aren't seeing this as something it's not and keeping your guard up.

[newmama]

dBD, at this point, do not ever assume he i being nice for any other reason than lrgal strategy...sorry to sound cynical, but keep that guard up!
So since you changed your focus, do you see your kids' attitudes changing too? I mean do you think they noticed your changes?