New to this Community seeking advice

[JR09]

I would suggest that you just remain open to the real possibility that your W still has to find her own way through a lot of change. You have changed in many ways over these last 19 months - it may be very difficult for her to know what to do with that new person she sees in you...and loving her might very well mean allowing her as much time as she needs to sort things out for herself - no matter what the outcome. And, oddly enough, we do a great kindness toward ourselves when we learn to love with detachment.

I hope that makes some sense...
-Carlos.

I thought a lot about what Carlos wrote. I pray this is why my W still hasn't refiled for D. She mentioned she would refile for D after the Christmas holidays. It's now FEB, and still no refiling.

In the meantime, I continue hanging on to my progress and keeping my calling schedule with my boys. They are now responding in turn and txt msg me often along with emails. I have to say I also briefly talk with my W about once a week. No venom on her part. Brief responses. She oddly enough takes an interest on how my parents are doing and always inquires about their well-being. Our phone contacts are friendly albeit brief.

I thought of sending my boys small gifts for Valentines'Day. I thought of sending my W a book. Good idea? Bad idea? any advice anyone? I figured after 19 months of separation, whether she accepts it or not is irrelevant. At least I'm showing her that I am doing well, and also value her as the mother of our children. And yes, I DO love her very much, even to this day.

Anyway, thanks for chiming in, anyone.

JR09

[JR09]

I talked to my pastor and he told me that my W's behavior is very unusual. He said the wife typically either pulls the trigger and goes through with the divorce, or makes small steps towards reconciliation. Neither of these steps my W is undertaking for now. He also added that most men in my case would have already moved on with their life and would not have stuck it through after 19 months of separation.

I have to say I have not yet been impressed at all to end my marathon and call it quits. Maybe I'm just fooling myself with false hope. But I really haven't felt a strong feeling to end this whole limbo status. Maybe my W doesn't want the D for financial or other reasons, I don't know.

I look back at our story since the separation. She did file for D a year ago but never went forward with it, so the D proceedings were dismissed AUG 09. Since then nothing happened. We are still not together, but still no D. So what is going on? I can only revert back to Carlos'comment that my W needs time to sort out a lot of things for herself.

All I can do is be consistent with my changes and be a friend, or at least try to show it as much as I can through our phone contacts.

Anyway, just thinking...

JR09

[JR09]

Called boys and W yesterday. Still positive contact with W. I'm just calling to say hi and try to reestablish a friendship. My W has been friendly and pleasant for the past 3 weeks. She asked me what are we going to do about the tax return this year. Last year she DEMANDED that I send her half of it. That was after she filed for D. Yesterday, we just talked about it like we always had for the past 16 years. I told her we'd use it for the most pressing need.

She said her car was having some real issues and asked if we could devote some funds for that. I told her that safety is key for her and the boys so we agreed to use most of the tax return money so my W can purchase a safer vehicle.

I think back about my conversation and thought about the issue of boundaries. Did I give in too easily to help her with her car issue? Should I have been tougher and let her deal with this on her own? What could have been the right position to take?

I rationalized by saying that anything that affects our 3 boys is always a top priority for me. If my W's car breaks down, it also affects the boys in many ways. So I aired on the side of safety and support for my W and the boys.

Whether my W is milking me for money is another question. But I didn't think about that at all when I talked with her last night. She was very pleasant, so was I. That was it. Insight anyone???

JR09

[jasper67]

It's so hard to say- I'm in a similar sitch but things are less calm than yours.

If your concern is the boys and their safety then I would help- as that makes sense and is the right motivation.

Perhaps ask for an estimate of te costs or even a receipt- in the interest of full disclosure- maybe that way at least you'll know what's going on.

[JR09]

Thanks Maynard.

I probably ask for an exact accounting of where the money went. I used to be very controlling when it comes to money issues. I have changed a great deal in that regard, and my W knows it. If I ask for a receipt, I'd be the same guy I used to be. 19 months have passed since my W left. I want her to see that I trust her 100% with what she'll do with the money.

I know it sounds like I have no boundaries and I am desperate for her kindness. But I have changed quite a bit. I sure appreciate your input though. Thanks for taking the time.

JR09

[JR09]

Mistake. I meant to say: I probably WON'T ASK for an exact accounting of where the money went.

[MichelleLT]

Since that is a 180, I think it is an important thing to NOT do lol.

Your motivation was sound. Your children are important. End of story. If she is using them to get a new car, then she is being low and manipulative. But your W hasn't sunk to some of the lows commonly seen here, so I don't believe she is starting now.

I mean, in VERY quick summary, your W left cuz of your PTSD/Anger issues. You are showing her you have changed, you are making very positive changes for you. When she trusts that the changes are permanent, she may be more open to R. It's a chance, maybe not even a 50% one, but a chance. This car thing is a perfect way to show that your family and their safety is a priority for you.

[jasper67]

I agree that if it's a 180 it would be wise not to appear "controlling".

[JR09]

Michelle and Maynard,

Thanks for the encouragement. I have this inner peace feeling that all will work out for the best. My W has a good heart. She probably is still in her own tunnel trying to come to the light. But it may take some time. If my W wanted to clean me out financially, she could have done it a long time ago. She had 19 months to do it. But she hasn't. I have never restricted her access to our joint bank account. We are still operating like we always have for the past 16 years.

I just changed quite a bit in many ways. And I'm glad to have people like you Michelle, Maynard, Carlos, and Veronica to coach me without sugarcoating what needs to be done or undone.

THANKS AGAIN.

JR09

[JR09]

Haven't posted in a while.

I spent the President's Day weekend driving 9 hrs to my alma mater and stay with this family my W and I have known for 16 years. I even called my W and invited her to link up with me along with the boys. She said No, but it was not the "hell No , No Way I'm not coming". It was more like a "No, I really want to come, but it just came out as No".

I had a great time just relaxing for 4 days. I still maintain my calling schedule with the boys every other day. I also talk with my W about once a week, sometimes twice a week. I just ask her how things are, etc. She doesn't say too much. But I have to say she hasn't spewed any venom at all since before the Christmas break. We actually have enjoyed very decent conversations. She is friendly, sometimes very sweet. A softening of heart? Maybe.
I don't know.

As we agreed, I sent her half of the tax return so she can get a new used car. Her current car has become a real safety hazard. She sent me an email to tell me she received the tax return check, and said "thank you".

Anyway. She hasn't spewed venom in 2 months. That's big for me. I've just been maintaining what I've been doing, never rreacting to venom. Just being consistent and loving. My W also threatened to refile after the Christmas holidays, but hasn't yet. Is that a good sign, along with her being very nice lately?

Thanks for reading.
JR09