Fellow DBing goers, what do I do? I was so emotional today that I called my sister and mother. Mt mother told me that I sounded like a woounded dog as I cried. My sister told me to call me L in the morning and that my R with my H was not meant to be. I should just "get over it - This too shall pass."
I feel like I am wrong to want to see if my M can work. I feel like my family will be disappointed if I try to keep faith.
Everyone is telling me that my H is no good for me and that I am better off. Is this true? I know he is going through pain and MLC. But should I listen to my family? Are they correct? Sometimes I feels as they they are, because of the way in which my H treats me lately. He is a stranger.. comeone that would have never caught my atttention.
Why tdoes the MLC path always seem to lead to D?
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
DU, thanks for stopping by my thread. Just to let you know I didn't start posting on this board until 6 months post bomb. I pretty much did everything totally wrong for the first 2 months. I begged,pleaded, pursued, yelled, screamed, and was totally depressed myself. I was posting on a womens menopause (I am still doing that) board and learned quite a bit but didn't realize that my wife was in MLC.
This is a process that you must go through. We are trying to tell you things because we have been there before and we have seen what works and what doesn't. This is a tough journey and no one can predict the outcome. But you can control what happens to you and only to you. Use the time that you are going to be given as a gift to work on yourself. That is what is really hard. But you can do it!
I feel like it is over and I should just file. I am alone in a state with little friends. I live in a house by myself that I come home to everynight empty. So I wollow in my misery and just die inside.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I feel like I am wrong to want to see if my M can work. I feel like my family will be disappointed if I try to keep fait
The best thing is to leave your family out of the discussion. They are going to be one sided. They see you in pain and want to give you the easiest way out of the pain. If that is what you truly want then listen to them but IMHO you shouldn't listen to them. They are not going to understand MLC.
Only you can decide in the end. It is your marriage. There are no guarantees. My ? is this if you did concede to D what would you do? What would your life look like.
Decide that and then start working towards that life while you are still M. You can always get the D anytime you want it.
no, i"m sorry it doesn't. I am so tired of being used as a doormat and having my feeling hurt. He is not even around...
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
I will be alone and without my H. Not what I want, but he holds all of the cards. It is not up to me. Ne will do whatever he wants to do... I don't matter.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
DU, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I haven't read all of your posts, so I apologize if you've covered this already.
Are you depressed? If you're not sure, please see your doctor. You're coming off as a depressed person to me. I've BTDT so I know how hard it is. I don't think that one can successfully DB with untreated depression so I strongly encourage you to follow up on this ASAP if this might be an issue for you.
The actions you take or fail to take right now will cast a long shadow, whether or not reconciliation takes place. You need to muster up your best self to deal with your sitch, and I know how depression saps one's energy and one's will to act.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
FM, not depression, I just feel completely helpless and it makes me incredibly sad. I am a "fix it" person and this is the one and only siutation where I have no control. It is completely "unknown" territory for me. Maybe my H knows that. He is definitely going through something that I can't and he will not allow me to help with.
I need to get better at GAL'ing and try to keep my head high. It is just hard when the one you love "ignores" and disrepects you.
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty Me 44 H 51 T 15 yrs M 9+ yrs No Kids "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."
He is definitely going through something that I can't and he will not allow me to help with.
I need to get better at GAL'ing and try to keep my head high. It is just hard when the one you love "ignores" and disrepects you.
DestinyUnknown Member
Registered: 02/08/10 Posts: 61 Loc: Virginia
You are ready to give up already ?
This is your part of this journey too...
It can suck......
OR
I can not suck so bad.....that is YOUR choice....
Let me post something that helped me get through this early part.....
Just some things from several articles I had read...
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.
But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken , because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
Agree with them.
Do not disagree at all.
It's not to your advantage. ....Her negative or his negative attitudes towards you are being supported by you communicating what you want.
Every time you say to them, "But, I love you," you are saying, "but I want something different than what you want. You want to pull away, but I want you to come closer. I don't really care what you want. It's what I want that's important."
Lots of times men tell their wives, "I've changed. I've changed. Let's get back together. I've changed."
I tell the husbands that "Every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're communicating to her that you have not changed."
"Really? Why is that? How is that? I don't understand that."
"Of course, you don't understand. But what's your motivation? Why are you telling him or her how you've changed? What's your purpose? Isn't it to get your way?"
"Yeah, I want her back."
"That's your way. It's not her way, right now. She said she may consider it later, maybe, but not right now. And every time you say, 'I've changed,' you're saying, 'Give me my way! Give me my way! Give me my way! What I want is more important than what you want. I don't give a hoot what you want."
And subconsciously, she says, "He hasn't changed. He's still the neurotic, selfish, pressuring guy he always was. There's no way I'm going to go back to him, or feel positive to him as long as he is this way."
Take your time and make YOUR decisions.....
The people around you that love you....they just don't want you to hurt anymore, and sadly....walking away has become way too acceptable in today's society.....
