Trying to move on

[Onthemountaintop]

When you are separated, don't you set a fixed schedule of who gets the kids and when? \

If so, I would wonder if you should say no. From what I've read, stability is important. Going with her to 'party' at her age seems off.

I believe you should care if you have evidence to believe what is going on is bad for them - they are your daughters. If it is just a movie, then maybe letting go is fine.

[ClingingToHope]

It was my night. She wanted D10 to call her before 7 p.m. She wasn't asking for them. It's pretty set, unfortunately, down the road that may hurt me because we haven't set a 50/50 agreement and she can argue that there's no reason to change what is already working.

I'll argue that when I moved out, I moved in with a friend and couldn't keep them. Then when I got an apartment, we set up the current arrangement. I've since asked for an additional night a week -- Thursdays -- and that would be a 50/50 agreement.

She said no on Thursdays basically because she doesn't want to go five straight days without seeing them. In my case, I see them every day after school so I only go two days without seeing them at any time.

My argument to the court will be that I never intended not to have joint custody, it just took me time to get the proper setup.

[ClingingToHope]

W called while we were at the library. I guessed it was to talk to D10 so I didn't answer, sent her a text and she responded she wanted D10 to call her.

So I gave D10 the phone and told her to go to the lobby and call her.

It was bad news. Another girl in D10's class is having a party the same night she wants to have hers and that girl got her invitations out earlier.

D10 is developing W's self esteem issues and she's just crushed. It's W's weekend next weekend so I can't/or won't be asked to help. I just asked her if W gave her any alternatives.

D10 said a couple. She also said W told her not to cry.

I told her she can cry here, but try to get it out of her system before school. She's reading a book right now -- well, she keeps sneaking peaks at the TV.

Also got the email from afterschool sitter. She has major issues with W and I'm worried she'll quit before end of school year.

I told her to change the email, soften the tone a bit, and send it to W and DON'T tell W she talked to me first. W hates the fact that people come to me to smooth things over. She says it's because I'm not tough enough. I never tell her that it's really because she can be a raving lunatic at times.

It comes down to her lack of a college degree. She feels like everyone is talking down to her. It's partly why she's so driven at work. I don't see it. But she has a real chip on her shoulder.

[awest1217]

I am glad you had fun at Medieval Times. Don't worry about the other stuff, just try to start controlling what you can and that if your life and your time with the girls. I am glad you told D10 she could cry because it is hard on a girl to have that happen, but it does happen and that is life, but it is ok to be sad and show that you are sad.

Make sure you keep the e-mail from the babysitter (which I am sure you already know) just in case.

Have a good week!

[ClingingToHope]

Not much going on today. D10's birthday party is going to be OK. She has at least five commitments and probably a couple more so she's happy.

Sent W a text asking whether the taxes or girl scout cookies are ready. I'm a little worried about the taxes. She wouldn't have filed them without me, would she?

Noticed W didn't leave enough money in an account that pays for insurance, college funds. She got charged a $35 overdraft fee.

Overall I thought very little about what she was doing. It was a good weekend.

[ClingingToHope]

Quick call from W. Needs a special t-shirt for D10. Is working on girl scout cookies. Still hasn't touched taxes.

Needs to sell three more tickets for D10's play. Interestingly, she bought two tickets for one night -- for her and D7. She bought tickets Saturday for her and her sister.

Of course, this is her weekend with the girls. I wonder what she was planning to do with D7.

She hinted that perhaps I'd want to buy tickets for myself and D7 for Saturday.

I'll ask D7 tomorrow if she wants to go. I was going to go Friday and Sunday, but I'll change.

I wonder if she knows she overdrew account?

Unfortunately, I'm back to not being able to sound "up" on the phone. I really like it when I don't hear from her at all.

I'm not really sure how this co-parenting thing is going to work.

[ClingingToHope]

Struggling with things today. Saw W for about 20 minutes last night. She was trying to gather the tax stuff for me.

D7 came running in and wanted us to do a family hug. It was awkward, but she was happy.

I do not like how I'm acting when I see her. I'm exactly the opposite of shining. I'm reserved. Quiet. Sullen. I just want to get out of there.

I don't know how to change that. I'm still just so hurt.

Thursday is D10's birthday and I'll see W at least three or four times that day. I will try to do better. I'm trying to tell myself this is a marathon and not a sprint. I have to learn how to act natural around her.

At church they've been pushing hard a concept, becoming "The Me I Want To Be." A big part of my problem is that I've been trying to make improvements always with an eye on whether or how I can show W I'm changing.

The problem with that approach is that W may not care. As the book says it is about becoming "The Me I Want To Be."

So Thursday isn't about seeing W, it's about seeing the teachers of my two girls and celebrating D10's birthday.

The taxes are about getting them done ASAP so W and I can pay bills. Next year will take care of itself.

So I guess I'm doing better now that I've thought things through. I put way too much emphasis into each moment in time.

[awest1217]

Good break through. THis needs to be about you and you changing for you and not for W. When you start changing and liking who you are, and you are comfortable and happy with the new you, that will show to W, and I know you aren't for hope right now, but maybe she will see those changes and finally see how happy you are and wonder why or notice the changes and want to be apart of your life more. The big thing about DB is not changing to save your marriage, but changing to save you. Really think about that and take what you have said to heart. Stop worrying about W, but instead make changes for you.

[ClingingToHope]

So tomorrow is D10's birthday. I have both girls tonight because it's my night of the week. Since tomorrow is parent teacher conferences, they are off school so they can sleep in.

W already has the day off so I guess I'm dropping them off after breakfast. I don't know for sure because we never actually communicated about it.

There are conferences with both girls' teachers then D10 has a performance at night. So I'll see W at least four times.

I'm not freaking out about it right now. I've been thinking a lot about what's happening to Trixi. She was done and all of a sudden the WAS isn't done.

I can't imagine that happening to me. W never admits she was wrong. Once she gets embarrassed or makes up her mind about something, it doesn't matter if it was the exact worse thing to do. She'll see it through to the end.

We've lost friends, quit churches, changed schools because something happened with W -- she blew up at an official or got embarrassed.

So even if she's sitting at home drinking wine and crying, she'll always put on a brave face for me.

Closure? If I'm ever going to get it it's going to be years down the road.

Instead I'm focusing on becoming "The Me I Want To Be."

[ClingingToHope]

Weird dream. For some reason I was still at home. And we were supposed to spend the weekend together. Instead W takes off for somewhere -- in my dream I thought she was working -- and doesn't tell me so I'm just sitting there watching TV and thinking, well since I'm here I'll get on her computer and see what she's been up to.

Then I woke up.