Still confused as to whether H's admittance of "fear" is a true root of his anger, or if it's an excuse for not admitting his own bad behavior. This is all quite sad. How does love come to this?
H started in on me about forgetting to change a bank account that had started accruing fees. I had forgotten to go in and change it to one that doesn't charge fees - this is a button for H when I forget stuff I promise to do. H starts raising his voice "What would have happened if I hadn't reminded you?! Tell me!" Stayed silent, he continued to pressure me.
I set my boundary! I refused to answer him, then said I felt uncomfortable about the intensity of energy in his questions, and his resistance to backing down (something we talked about in MC) and that I didn't think he'd be happy with any answer. I said calmly I was feeling uncomfortable and that I was going to leave the room until we could stop talking about it.
And I did.
When I returned, H asked politely and more calmly - "You know what would be helpful? If you went to the bank right now and took care of it."
I did. We got along great the rest of the day. We were doing family crafts and the tone of the whole afternoon had been light and fun and chatty.
It was really scary. H scares me when he is like that. But I told him I felt attacked and wasn't comfortable having that conversation. I did it. H responded. It's progress.
I just hate feeling scared of my H. I feel hope and despair at the same time.
Ok so he is still losing it a bit! Thats just his panic/frustration talking.. He does sound a bit like me can see the consequences of a single event right through to 2070, yet my H cant see them till the following day lol guess what we used to fall out about lol!
Good news is he is starting to deal with it, mostly because you refuse to let him speak to you disrespectfully and you walk away so he has no one to argue with.. Think it was fantastic you told him you felt attacked he does need to realise how bad he makes you feel when he misbehaves.. Neither of you want to be scared of each other but that is gonna take time for trust to build again, but it does seem to be going forward at a steady pace now which is fantastic news!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Get a book to keep on the counter where he can write down his list of financial and errands he expects from you that week or month. Then he won't be telling you out of his mouth and you won't be hearing his stressful tone. You can refer to the book as an accountability loop. You are reponsible for checking the book to remind yourself when under stress and forgetful. He's responsible for putting those tasks in there that he requests. Less reminding on his part and less forgetting on yours might result and thus less conflict. Maybe?
I'm not saying the above to excuse his behavior but just to look for concrete solutions to repeat pet peeves since he can't seem to handle his pet peeves right now. I think overall this interaction was positive. You showed him a new behavior you're going to do when a conflict happens. He showed you a corrected behavior. Both of you chose not to escalate it, though no one enjoyed it. It's not perfect. But a baby step it does seem like. Congratulations.
I think thats a fab idea rr, I have a brain like a sieve some days so its good to have a reminder pad some where. I ask H not to tell me some thing when Im busy as it falls out my head to easily, its better if he writes in on the calendar and its my job to check the calender.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I just have to vent I'm tired, I'm pmsing and I just don't care today. H can do/ whatever and I don't care. I'm sad and the only thing cheering me up is my funny little boy who just said "Look at the cat - he's laying eggs!" I'm tired and ready for some love. H is just not cutting it. I'm not interested in fighting for it today. If/when his tiger comes out today, I'm just plain leaving. My parents are coming which I originally thought would keep H on his toes, now I realize I don't want to see them either. BLAH
Vent away! I always feel better after a good vent session.
Just keep laughing with your kids - they are real miracle workers on the soul!:)
LNG Me - 37 H - 42 S - 19 D - 16 D - 14 M - 20 years S - 1/11/2010 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942142&page=1
Hugs for you, Hope. It's ok to take a mental vacation from all this crap. One can't walk on eggshells constantly. Focus on the boy and your parents and screw the rest.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
