Curve, I hesitate to say I'm "piecing" just yet. But to cut to the chase...I came to this site and read DR for one purpose; to save my marriage. I can only assume that you came here for the same reason.
For me, trying to salvage the M after my W giving birth to another man's child is because of a few reasons. She continually expressed her desire during her pregnancy to make it work; showed remorse and we started talking candidly. Candid, brutal talk was always missing from our relationship unless we were arguing. I was looking forward to D after the kid was born. But when it came down to it; I couldn't pull the trigger and decided to tell her right before Christmas that I would like to try and make it work.
I had to dig down into my heart and soul and ask myself, "What does mC really want, D or M?" I have seen what is the wreck of a D and decided that I had nothing to lose. I've had nearly 1.5 years to make myself a healthier person and figured that the effort would not be wasted and I would be no worse off for having tried one more time. At least now, I'm better equipped emotionally to handle it if we do D.
So I slowly re-engage and she is agreeable to taking it slowly. We have no expectations and I do believe we love each other. Still I'm not sure if that is enough. My W has severe psychological and emotional issues and it's likely they'll get in the way. So I have boundaries, goals, and an exit plan in place. I continue my DB principles such as 180s and GAL; but I do pay attention to the pursuit that she needs. I also have some requirements as counseling for her and us; plus church. So it's one day at a time.
It will be a lot of hard work on both sides...
SG is right, just spend time with her. PMA when you're together. you've got nothing to lose; it's already been lost. If you love her; just do it this way and see where it leads you.
Just remember, no expectations. Expectations are only disappointments unrealized.
