I wouldn't want to deal with the brother at all. Let H bring the kids to see him at his own apartment. Don't see how you're going to score any points there. Be pleasant when you bump into him and positive and make brief but friendly smalltalk to show interest in him? What else is there to do? It's not like you need to hang out with him, right?
Yikes. The BIL. I wouldn't want to have to see him or interact with him. My BIL has been so "supportive" of my H. He was the first to tell my H to do what makes HIM happy. I'm with you--I'm not so sure I'd like your BIL's idea of support.
Go with what rr22 said. That seems like the best plan. As for the MIL, stay on her good side! That's what I'm trying to do right now with mine!
It's not like you need to hang out with him, right?
He's been very friendly with me in the past, so I don't know what to expect. He may initiate spending time with me, which could be very tricky. I don't want to get all huffy with him, but OTOH, I can't afford to get drawn into "deep talks" about H and our R (which I stupidly engaged in in the past when I thought that his family could help H get on tracking with dealing with depression).
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Only accept invitations that would discourage long, deep talks. If long, deep talks come up, be evasive and keep it light. That will force him into making a long, uncomfortable speech, which he probably won't. Have a friend over at your house at the time he's scheduled to drop by also helps keep it light and fluffy and SHORT, yet open. You don't need approval to have a friendly, chatty friend over when you know they're stopping by.
If MIL/FIL want to visit and stay friends do so, its not their fault their DS is being a plonker, they are probably panicking that you will do what a lot of DIL's do and cut them out of their lives and never see their grandchildren again. Best thing is to behave exactly like you would before but just agree never to discuss H or your R with them. Treat them like friends now not relatives if you get my drift
BIL long pole and stick come to mind, you do not need to spend time with some one you know is seriously encouraging your H to behave like a teenager again! If the kids get to see Uncle whilst visiting Dad thats another matter. If he insists on coming over like the idea of having a friend over to interupt him if he goes off track on conversation, also set a time for him to come and leave, no leaving any room for him to stop over for tea and not go and conversation get into sticky places. IF you feel its ok to spend time with him as in he can keep within your boundaries he can always visit another time!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I agree with everyone else's advice about BIL and PIL (parents in law)
Here is a good phrase to use when you don't want to talk about your R with people: "I appreciate your concern but I would rather not talk about it right now. Thank you for caring though!"
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks for guiding me on dealing with BIL/PIL. It feels tricky because H has really mixed feelings about my contact with them: he wants me to be in contact with them (for the kids I assume), yet it feels like me invading "his" space when I occasionally call MIL to maintain grandparent R. I guess that's in the "not my problem" category. PILs are going to be my kids' grandparents regardless of H's unilateral decisions. He wants to control his universe, but he doesn't get to break the entire web of interconnectedness that exists.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
1. H greets me with a relaxed expression on his face
how I will nudge this: set up a child hand-off at coffee shop or park instead of at home (lot of negative associations for H at home)
2. H smiles at me
how I will nudge this: 2 kids + 2 cans of shaving cream
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for guiding me on dealing with BIL/PIL. It feels tricky because H has really mixed feelings about my contact with them: he wants me to be in contact with them (for the kids I assume), yet it feels like me invading "his" space when I occasionally call MIL to maintain grandparent R. I guess that's in the "not my problem" category. PILs are going to be my kids' grandparents regardless of H's unilateral decisions. He wants to control his universe, but he doesn't get to break the entire web of interconnectedness that exists.
Correct he has no right to stop your kids and PIL keeping their R going, he cant spoil everyone else's party because he dont wanna play!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
