And it sucks that your H has OW sister to be L for him!
Take a look again, when you feel calmer, if your L is really advocating for you or not. If not, is it possible to find another L?
I think a good L could take some of the stress of the details for you. It's what we pay them for! Yes, you have to be on top of it. Yes, you have to advocate for yourself. But you also deserve a L who won't be rushed or brusque, who takes the time to explain the details to you. I know they are L, not C, but they have dealt with enough broken marriages to know that you might need some TLC to go with the tough love.
I understand not wanting to feel "shrewish." But as I was just smacked around with a 2x4 for the same thing (see just want my husband back!) I turn it around to you--you are fighting for things you totally have a right to. Every penny of it. Having him pay for your L is a fine thing to ask for. You might not get it, but you can ask.
None of us wants to look back in a few years and say, darn, why didn't I fight for this or that? now that the emotions have cooled and the bills are due...perhaps I could have gotten a better deal.
Do you have a financially minded friend to talk some of this through with? It seems too hard to do on your own.
I hope you can MAKE the time to GAL. Even just a movie and a drink with a girlfriend. 3 hours of not thinking about the sitch. And then take maybe a few hours Sunday morning to deal with it.
Then she looked at my cr card acct. analysis & said "we're really getting to nickels & dimes here" meaning why am I haggling over dividing the debt.
I understand the tought and the process of divorce is scary and not how you may have foresaw your life and dreams playing out, but my advice to you is : You are free to interview as many divorce attorneys as you like.
From the statement above, the person who said that do they specialize in divorces? Kinda like: when you go to the doctor for a check up you go to your general practioner, but lets say you had something more serious wrong with you like a heart problem or a neurological condition. You would not have your GP treating you; you would find yourself a cradiac or neuro specialist. Same thing with law. You dont want someone who typically handles contracts, copyrights and a occasional DWI nor a personal injury attorney handling your divorce.
Unless you are looking to get out as quick as possible, make sure YOU and your children are well taken care when all is said and done. Find yourself someone who does not say, "you are fighting over debt" but someone who is willing to argue for as much of your combined net worth and possessions. Take care of yourself, first.
Steve, yes, she is a D lawyer, those were the only kind I talked to. Guess her comment is kind of unusual for a D L. Don't they usually try to get the most $$ for their clients? Well true the difference for me was not great, ie. 60/40 as opposed to 50/50. But it really rubbed the wrong way. I have not felt that way previously about her, that's why I said maybe it was me. I'll monitor this going fwd.
RW, Hugs to you! Thanks for your kind words. How are you doing? I need to stop by your thread. I hope you are continuing to piece. Yeah, times like that I feel really alone. Thanks for helping me remember I'm not!
Aver, Thanks for your support. And gentle smack up the head! Yeah, my perspective gets messed up sometimes. I dont' know, it doesn't seem like I'm asking for a lot. I haven't encountered any signs before of my L not advocating. I'll see how it goes. I don't really want to start over w another L, but if she's not going to bat for me, I guess I have no choice.
So, today I get an email from H in response to my email saying, it's best to let the Ls handle it (he wanted to talk). Here's what it said:
"I guess if that's what you want to do that's fine. I need to move out of where I am by the beginning or middle of April. Do you still not want the house? If not, any idea when you might be moving out? If you don't think you'll be out by then I might have to move into the apartment."
Um, interesting! He has to move out by April?? What happened? OK, I'm kind of speechless by this. Once again, I have to adjust my life b/c of his choices? I don't even know how to respond to this. Guess I'll let it sink in. Meanwhile, as always I welcome your wisdom, friends.
Thanks again for taking time to check in. I'll try to stop by your threads shortly. Have a good evening! (((())))))
You sound a lot more upbeat tonight. I wrote a long reply to you last night and lost it!!! So, I am back today to check in on you.
Re the moving out: You are setting your timetable. If you can't move by April, you can't. Simple.
I am glad that you will evaluate your L going forward. You really need to be convinced that she is looking out for your best interests and hearing you. So, if you need to see another L, do so.
Re the crying in the car and the emotions.. all perfectly understandable. You are HUMAN, right? I understand the frustration you must feel at the thought of coming out of the sale of the house with barely enough to cover your cc debt. But, even if it comes to that remember that YOU are not finished and YOU will thrive. Stories abound about people who started from rock bottom and are at the very top right now. You are not at rock bottom and as bad as things feel there is always someone who is truly much worse than you /we are. LFA,I know you will get wherever you need to be.
Yes. The settlement stuff throws me around the bend. I've got my own frustrations with it, but I can relate - the whole "we're really dismantling our life" thing. Realizing that the kids' college account is going to be wiped out. Trying to judge what's fair, what's "looking out for your interests" - and trying to figure out if you REALLY trust your lawyer. Tough process. (((LFA)))
You: He has to move by April all of a sudden, so whoopdido, LFA has to march to that.
Me: He has to move out of 9 month lease in May, so Aver's gotta get all healed up and over this and move on out--on his timetable.
Yeah, great.
Since you are in the same spot as me with the NC, I don't have any words of wisdom about how to say to him: WTF? what up with April? I am looking for apts. and will move ASAP, but can't guarantee a move-out date. Maybe you can use your lawyer for that.
Another parallel!! you know that part of my stress is that X will move himself and gf into the month-to-month apt. as soon as it is available. So, great, we both have X's living in the same house, basically.
Would your H move his OW into the apt with him?
Is this something that can be negotiated in the D papers?
How is your re-eval of your L going?
I'm thinking about you tons, and sending you good thoughts.
Be well.
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
Hi Kara, Bill & Aver, Thanks so much for your support. I know, I don't have it very bad in comparison to you guys w kids. My heart goes out to you & them. Bill how is your son doing? That has to be so hard. And you're right, having doubts, real or imagined about my L at this stage is really unsettling.
Aver, I don't know what H's plan is after he moves in. You may remember he has still not admitted an A. What I know is OW owns her own house, was married but separated last June. So I've put the not too-difficult puzzle pieces together myself. I would be sickened by her moving here, but I just can't stand it here. I want to be near my family, work. And this house just keeps falling apart.
Now the kitchen sink pipes are leaking. More evidence of mice. It's too big & cold & expensive to heat. Stores around here keep closing, it's seems to be going downhill from the economy to me. Much as I'll miss having a whole house to myself, the privacy too, and a place where I don't have to worry about my dogs disturbing anyone, I'm ready to go. I'm tired of trying to hold this place together by myself & driving a hr. each day just to see my family.
Can you please take a look at this email I want to send H? I know it's probably too long. Let me know your thoughts if you have time. I haven't been by a computer this wkend but I will stop by your thread soon. Hope your weekend's going well. Thanks my friends.
This is to reply to H's email of Thurs. (asking if I still want house b/c he has to move by April! I also need him to fork over $$ soon to pay overdue gas bill, since it's for hse & apt. we owe like $800. So, how's this:
H, Yes I still don't want to keep the house but have been spending the last several mos. looking at options for where to live without burdening my family. I have to find a place that will take 2 lg. dogs. The L is working on the S agreement, and I have to think about what I can afford, as I won't be getting much from the house. Plus the credit card debt we have to pay off asap. So I don't have a date for moving out set yet. Figuring out all the finances & separating everything has been a lot of work and takes a lot of time, especially since I work so much overtime.
I have to pay the 2 gas bills since they haven't been pd for a few months. One is $353 (apt.) and the house is $475. I get pd. Fri. so I'll pay $400 and can you pay $400?
[/quote]H, Yes I still don't want to keep the house but have been spending the last several mos. looking at options for where to live without burdening my family. I have to find a place that will take 2 lg. dogs. The L is working on the S agreement, and I have to think about what I can afford, as I won't be getting much from the house. Plus the credit card debt we have to pay off asap. So I don't have a date for moving out set yet. Figuring out all the finances & separating everything has been a lot of work and takes a lot of time, especially since I work so much overtime.
I have to pay the 2 gas bills since they haven't been pd for a few months. One is $353 (apt.) and the house is $475. I get pd. Fri. so I'll pay $400 and can you pay $400?[quote]
Well, the English teacher in me wants each sentence shorter. Less emotion. More matter of fact.
I don't want to keep the house. I have been looking at options. I have to find an affordable place that will take the dogs. I am taking the necessary time and steps to find a place, and figure out finances and the details of the separation agreement. The L is working on the S agreement. I want to find a suitable place ASAP, but I cannot guarantee it will be by April.
The 2 gas bills are overdue. One is $353 (apt.) and the house is $475. On Friday I'll pay $400. Please pay your $400 by Friday so this account will not be in arrears. We also have to figure out paying down the credit card debt.
OR something like that? I just took out a lot of the what looked to me like "extra" words.
LFA, we are in such parallel places. I guess I feel a little jealous of you (isn't it funny how TRAGEDY is all RELATIVE) as I do want to stay in the house, and that fight will tear me apart) But anyhow, I am so glad that you are clear on getting out of the house. Just don't let him push you on the April thing--not at least without a really good reason as to why it has to happen. Stand your ground that you ARE truly looking for a place, not just dragging your heels to make life difficult for him, which you are not. But I know how hard it is to find a place that will take 2 dogs!
I have to go to meet with my accountant/banker/facilitator friend, so will be updating my NEXT STEPS with whatever wisdom I glean from that. If any.
Be well, be strong, state what you need and want and leave it at that.
H, Yes I still don't want to keep the house but have been spending the last several mos. looking at options for where to live without burdening my family. I have to find a place that will take 2 lg. dogs. The L is working on the S agreement, and I have to think about what I can afford, as I won't be getting much from the house. Plus the credit card debt we have to pay off asap. So I don't have a date for moving out set yet. Figuring out all the finances & separating everything has been a lot of work and takes a lot of time, especially since I work so much overtime.
I have to pay the 2 gas bills since they haven't been pd for a few months. One is $353 (apt.) and the house is $475. I get pd. Fri. so I'll pay $400 and can you pay $400?
Thanks, LFA
H, Yes I still plan on moving but do not have a date set yet. When the S agreement is finalized and all the finances are sorted out I will be better able to start making plans.
The gas bills need to be paid since they're overdue. One is $353 (apt.) and the house is $475. I will pay $400 on Friday and am asking that you do the same.
Thanks, LFA
Last edited by pearlharbr; 02/21/1008:49 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Thank you both so much! This is VERY helpful. I really appreciate it.
Aver, right – he doesn’t tell me sh*t about his life but suddenly I need to move/decide, b/c his situation changes. I’m no longer dragging my feet! I wanted to get in there how much blood sweat & tears this is all taking but of course you both are right, short & to the pt. is the way to go. He could care less how much trouble he's caused me.
In fact I write as part of my job, am usually told I’m a “good” writer, but somehow when I try to do these emails to H, I cannot seem to get the tone I need, it’s the hardest writing I’ve ever done – you guys are keeping me in line. Thanks again! I’ll check in soon. (((()))))
