First meeting w/ WAW, I'm shaky need encouragement

[The Wifey]

You did well SweetCyborg for your first meetup. I'm glad you didn't give her an answer on the living arrangements. That answer would be, "I've decided against it." No explanations needed. She can always visit the cat.

As far as her parents, no campaign. You are friendly, polite, but the issues are between your W and you. Remember, that these are HER parents. Even if they love you to death they want her to be happy. Never say anything other than that you love their daughter and don't want the D. That's it. And never ANY personal details. They will get back to her and it will not be good.

[SweetCyborg]

Tks Lost! That's helpful, still trying to figure out how to search for people/topics in the forums.

Will pick up DR next, have 5 LL already, (didn't study it as well as I should've the first time we S).

I know she would LOVE me to move to NY still help w the mortgage (u/w 35K but...) and let her live there (or possibly if she felt like it later come to NY). No idea what's on her mind right now.

The cat is an ally! He is a comfort to me.

I'm not sure WHAT I feel about going to NYC...yet. The last part of DR says...MC doesn't always work if a WAS has already decided, but I'm not sure that's the case or not. It wasn't great for us and seemed to stir up more sh*t than it solved.

Thanks again, I'm grateful!

[SweetCyborg]

Ditto Wifey (what I call W, heh)

I guess I would like her parents to know she's been unstable (doing odd things in the middle of the night moving the car, scribbling weird things on paper...)but not necessary I guess, she seems safe right now.

I keep in my mind all the statistics about unhappy couples being happier 5 years later, and D couples not as happy.

Wish I could tell if I should accept it's over and leave. So confused, I've been there for her so long and don't feel she's ever given as much *but maybe we have different love languages... need to read that more.

Thanks!

[Kimmie Lee]

Do not try to enlist the help of her parents.

In fact, it would be good if you simply stopped talking. Period. Let her wonder what you are thinking for a change.

And DO NOT move out of your home. You have allowed her to call too many of the shots already. Plus, she wants you out of the house and out of her way so that she can, ahem, "entertain" her OM.

If you do indeed wind up D'd, get your fair share and split for NYC. Do not look back. She doesn't deserve the time of day from you.

And if you really think that she will be glad that you move back to NY, I believe you will find that the reality of your being gone will affect her in the opposite way. Her control over you will be gone and my guess is that it will unnerve her.

She should be careful what she wishes.....

[The Wifey]

My mother always told me that if wishes were fishes the seas would overflow.

You can't know whether you should move on yet. She might even be completely sure today and not sure tomorrow. Concentrate on you, on getting control of you. This is the hardest part. When you want to cry your heart out and you have to be strong and in control instead.

You can do this. I never thought I could, but I am. And I have been doing it longer than I thought I would ever have to.

[SweetCyborg]

Reposting from another thread (as someone suggested):

I'm at the house, she's at a friends. Initially, I talked about leaving town to go back to a city I love (NYC) after she left last week, and she wants to know how soon?

I've 'gone dark' and it's hard. I know she would love to be in the house for a month while I'm away not bouncing b/w her mom's, friends... We know we'll lose the house if we D, which she seems firm about even if it's only been two weeks. She's very stubborn.

I don't want to rush anything and I think a month or two before I go, is plenty quick. I have a good, stable job, but my heart is too broken to stay in this crummy midwest town I came to for HER!

Yes, I am trying to GAL, but it's so soon and devastating (I'm really sensitive), it's sometimes hard to get off the couch other than to go to work. But I have worked out, seen friends, made plans.

Going to NYC would be for ME, she could always join me later
but would have to really want to work on M. I'm afraid though if I leave we'll never get it back.

[sandi2]

Overall, I'm proud of myself for smiling, listening, patting her arm when she started to tear up.

I realize you have much to learn and have just started, but let me point out something.....this is over-kill. Having a PMA is good (but don't smile to the point of not appearing to be serious, if you know what I mean), and listening to what she is saying is very good....but patting her arm when she starts to tear up is a no-no. She will play you like a toy! She does not need to see you getting all melty over some tears. She needs to see you showing a tower of strength. A WAW must have a strong man who will lead her and if she doesn't....then she will either eat him alive or leave him in the dust. But either way, she will not respect him and she sure won't desire him. She has to respect you before she will love you aNd being all soft and showing tenderness will not win you brownie points. You have to keep reminding yourself that most of the time, you have to do the opposite of what you think makes sense in this situation.

[Kimmie Lee]

Exactly!

Stop kissing her @ss. She doesn't deserve it.

[Kimmie Lee]

"Going to NYC would be for ME, she could always join me later
but would have to really want to work on M. I'm afraid though if I leave we'll never get it back."

I'm "afraid" if you DON'T leave, you'll never get it back.

SC, stop being "afraid." It's lame and women hate that sh!t. It makes you look weak and that is very unattractive.

Unfaithful women go batsh!t when they are dumped by their OM. So, start treating her the way OM eventually treat their affair partners. Reject her! Dump her @ss and go to NYC.

[SweetCyborg]

Again, always grateful for 'reminders' and advice. It breaks my heart to see/hear her in pain, but I will keep going back to the 'list' and be strong.

She did tell a mutual friend that she felt that I was taking care of myself more and must not have respected her enough to do it while we were togther(to which I didn't respond when said friend mentioned it), so she has noticed s few small changes. I wonder why I didn't take better care of myself (eating lousy, not working out as much) when she was here? I know now she would have respected me more. Oh well.

NYC plans are still in play, I just don't want to do it too soon b/c I have 8 years of living here to wrap up pack, sort, donate etc. if we are truly going the route of the Big D