He he. I don't know what I am. Actually, stuck isn't right, I feel like I'm in a tunnel, and the only choice is to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other. What's that quote from Churchill - "If you're going through Hell, keep going."
With W swinging back and forth, it's effective limbo. I really don't think this is going to work out. But it's not resolving either. So I don't feel like I'm waiting or hoping in particular. I'm just living my life.
I picked the boys up last night, went to the banquet, took them home. W was, in a word, just distant. She was pleasant enough, so that was an improvement. When I picked them up, I said "are you OK?" and she just said yes. When I dropped them off, we talked briefly, then she said "Well I need to kick you out to get these kids to bed." Her mother was there too, so I guess she came down to keep her company. All very different.
I didn't do much other than participate in that level of conversation.
We weren't at the event but 10 minutes before one of my boys ran into a light post, ended up with a huge goose-egg on his head and a bloody mouth. He was OK, but that was the drama for the night.
I do miss her.
I've said things in therapy like, for the distraught behavior my sons are showing, I don't know how she doesn't feel responsible for that. And her responding about how I don't get it, her needs weren't being met. She acknowledges that I did an awful lot in the marriage for her, in an "acts of service" way. You can't debate the legitimacy of how someone feels (feelings just are, they say at Retrouville) - and I could talk a lot about her background, how needy she is, that her needs were more than anyway could fulfill - all that stuff, doesn't matter now, because my point is - it makes me really, really sad that she was so sad. Let's strip away all the things that have happened - and just look at this - in the end, I love her, and I hate that she felt so empty, desperate, hurt. That even now she's been in such a miserable state.
I was listening to the song "Rain" by Patty Griffin last night, and it really seemed to capture how W has said she's felt. It made me very sad. And I wonder, do we both have a chance to be happier outside this M. If she's got this chasm of needs that I can never fill.
I don't know guys; we've demonstrated over the last few months that we love each other, that we still have a bond; I've been a good husband, and she says over and over again that the list of things that she likes, admires about me is long. She says that she loves being married, she doesn't want divorce.
But she also says that loving me is like running into a brick wall. This is where the "we're both good people, we're just incompatible" speech comes up.
She said in therapy that she doesn't feel like she's ever been able to show how much she loved me in our M - and she's known it's in me, but perceives that I'm not able to show her because of the because of the walls, or rules in my head, or however she perceives it.
I'm not looking for answers here, just putting my thoughts down. I don't want to trap her in a marriage where she's miserable. I'm still not sure it's me and the M. Can I change enough to meet her needs? I don't know. People around me, family and friends, tell me they observe that I've put so much energy into this relationship over the years, to the exclusion of everything else; but W still feels that hole. Is it me, or is it her? And, besides everything that's happened with the trust between us... will this fundamental issue ever fix?
OK that's enough for now. Much more than I intended to write. Time to walk to Starbucks and find something to eat for breakfast. My new life. Yeah, one of these days I'm going back to church.
