The adventure chronicles

[AFWAW]

Thanks for all your support and well wishes.

So, I caught the wife lying today and I'm not quite sure how to approach it and am looking for feedback. I went to grab something to eat today and saw the wife pull into the parking lot across the way. I went into the mini-mall on the side entrance and went to the main entrance to surprise and greet her. I waited about 20 minutes and said screw it and sat down and ate my lunch where I could still see the door. After I finished, I waited another 10 minutes by the door and she finally go out of her car and came in. I greeted her and asked her why she stayed in her car so long. She replied that she was talking to her mother.

So, fast foward to later. I was on my way home and decided to give her mother a call to see how she was doing and asked her how the conversation went with my wife. She said, what are you talking about? I haven't talked to her in a while. I asked her, you haven't talked to her today and she didn't call? She said nope.

So, a lie. So, my question is how best to approach this without sounding like a jerk and without selling my mother in law out? This obviously isn't going to work if she isn't being truthful.

[MrBond]

It's called transparency. It's the number one thing if she wants to start establishing trust with you. Tell her you talked to her mom to say 'hi' and she mentioned that she didn't talk to her D.

Ask her who she was talking to and that you would like the truth. Then ask to look at her phone. She'll get angry, but gently but firmly state that if she wants back in, she is going to have to start showing that you can trust her. If she refuses, tell her that's it and she cannot move back. If she gives you the phone, but there are no numbers on it, then tell her that you can get the records from the phone company, but would rather hear it from her so you can trust her again.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So, a lie. So, my question is how best to approach this without sounding like a jerk and without selling my mother in law out? This obviously isn't going to work if she isn't being truthful.

I would say your wife, "Why did you lie to me today about talking to your mother? This obviously isn't going to work if you're not going to be truthful."

Puppy

[AFWAW]

Well I found a way to trust but verify. I asked her how her mom was. She said, I don't know I haven't talked to her in a while. I said, I thought you said you talked to her today at lunch? She replied, no, I tried to call her but I was talking with my girlfriend. When she was in the shower, I took a look at her phone and it was in fact as she had stated.

On a different note, she had her first counseling session. She reported to me that her counselor told her she didn't need counseling as it seemed she knew what she wanted and that if I didn't trust her as I've already stated then it wouldn't work. My wife went on to say that she thought I would leave her later on anyway. I asked how she figured that since I let her move back in. She replied, well our money is seperate and I figure that you'd put your money where your mouth is if you really wanted this to work. LOL, yeah, ok.

I guess this goes to the old saying that you train people to treat you how you want them to. If you are passive and don't tell them how you feel(the old me)they will assume their words and actions are ok. I have bit my tounge a few times but have spoken out when I thought it was appropriate.

[Kettricken]

Trust is earned.

Especially in the wake of massive evidence of untrustworthiness.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

On a different note, she had her first counseling session. She reported to me that her counselor told her she didn't need counseling . . .

that is either a LIE, or the single most incompetent counselor I've ever heard about.

Puppy

[marriedCrazy]

On a different note, she had her first counseling session. She reported to me that her counselor told her she didn't need counseling . . .

that is either a LIE, or the single most incompetent counselor I've ever heard about.

Puppy

and if she saw a military counselor; well....you get what you pay for...

[AFWAW]

Well, it's been a few weeks so I figured I'd update. Yes, my wife is home physically but not mentally I don't think. So far she has slept on the couch 98% of the time even though she knows I don't like that. We have not ML once. I have not pushed this issue but she keeps pushing for affection which I have given but have not gone overboard as I'm not ready to have my heart stomped on again.

I think she's pissed that I have refused to put our money together for now and she keeps on saying that the only reason I let her come home is for sex which is absolutely not true. She continues to go to counseling and reported to me that she and the counselor think that I let her come home because she was my plan B? I had to get clarification on that one. She explained that my choosing being with her was better in my mind that being with no one else? I almost laughed out loud but refrained from doing so. Truth be told, I was really starting to have a good time by myself.

So, it has been difficult and I am starting to question her true intentions about coming home. I cannot live as roommates. I'm trying to be patient but it is difficult.

[marriedCrazy]

Remember, believe none of what she says until her actions prove otherwise. Who really knows what her counselor said; it's probably a distortion of the truth. I say that from experience with my WAW.

I think it's actually good that you are not ML and sleeping in the same bed. Her thinking tells me that she equates sex for love. My WAW does the same; and thinks that I do too.

continue to work on yourself and give her space so long as she is in counseling and not running around town. I hope that she's being transparent.

Also, if she's really wanting back; she'll understand that you won't rush back into sex, combined finances, or anything else that used to define your marriage.

praying for you!!

[GH31]

Hey AFWAW,

Good to hear from you.

Sorry that things aren't how you would want them to be.

Yes, my wife is home physically but not mentally I don't think. So far she has slept on the couch 98% of the time even though she knows I don't like that. We have not ML once.

Sounds very familiar.

I have not pushed this issue but she keeps pushing for affection which I have given but have not gone overboard as I'm not ready to have my heart stomped on again.

My wife was exactly the same. She wanted me to caress her head and shoulders for hours and hours and hours, because it was "the only thing that gave her comfort".

I think she's pissed that I have refused to put our money together

Let her be pissed. She will get used to the idea that finances are separate and if she wants to be trusted with your money she'll have to earn it.

She continues to go to counseling and reported to me that she and the counselor think that I let her come home because she was my plan B? I had to get clarification on that one. She explained that my choosing being with her was better in my mind that being with no one else? I almost laughed out loud but refrained from doing so.

All of the above is a wind-up!!! She sounds so much like my wife. Mine will try anything to get me to feel guilty, confused, feeling like I'm to blame. I'm sure she does this because a person in this state is easier to control. I don't know if yours is the same and I hope she isn't.

Truth be told, I was really starting to have a good time by myself.

Good!

So, it has been difficult and I am starting to question her true intentions about coming home. I cannot live as roommates. I'm trying to be patient but it is difficult.

You are absolutely right to question this. Her actions and the words she uses to justify her actions will tell you what you need to know.

Read these two of my threads from 2008.

WAW has been home for 19 weeks now

GH31 Part III

The worst time in my sitch was after W came home.

Please look out for Number 1!

GH31