Yes, love, enduring love, is a decision. Not the passion that sweeps us off our feet and dumps us 6 months later, but the love that endures like burning embers. That is a decision. And each person does decide who to love. So, it helps if we seem lovable. That is, not critical and demanding (I know, it's hard, I have trouble with that too.) And interesting, and fun to be with. It helps if we seem concerned about our spouses welfare (yes, this can be faked until it seems natural.) Love is a verb, it requires loving actions. The more you do loving actions for the person you choose to love, the easier it is to feel the love. You know, because you have a baby, and you do loving actions for him or her every day. And you feel love for the baby. But with adults, it is easy to forget to do the loving actions because they don't seem to need us.
First of all, he is just walking in the door after being away for a long time. You have had time to move into the house, unpack, settle in, etc. He is walking in the door cold. So don't hit him over the head with all this right away. As a man on the board once said, the worst words to a man are "We have to talk." So, don't start off with that. Let him come home, get welcomed by his happy children and his pretty wife, have a good meal, have a nice night, even take a few days to adjust. Then, when you know that he has contacted OW, and the bad feelings from that start to be a problem, then, you tell him that you think the marriage and the kids deserve for the two of you to try to make things better by going to MC, and give him the card. You could put in something about that you both have made mistakes, but you want to have a good relationship with him in the future, and he is still your best friend.
You have the same problem many people do. You think that the truth has to hurt. The truth is brutal. Sometimes, the truth is nice. It is better to compliment him and say "I appreciate how you work to support the family, and I want home to be a happy place for all of us". That is the truth as much as "You can't have a wh@re in VA" is the truth. But which truth is more likely to get him to go to counseling with you? Men reject their wives because they feel the wives are always critical of them. It is hard not to be. I know that. I had to stop it too. No man is going to live up to your dreams, you may as well accept that now. It will never be even close to perfect. But it can be better than it is. And that comes from knowing which side of the bread has the butter, and keeping that side facing up!
You say love is a commitment. No, love is love, and commitment is commitment. Besides, remember, he's in love with someone else. So if you say that, then he will think he needs to be committed to her. You do not have all the answers by yourself. You and he need the help of MC or Retrouvaille (www.helpourmarriage.org). Don't preach the stuff you've learned from reading books and talking on this site. Not that it is bad stuff, it isn't, but he isn't going to accept it just because you say it. In fact, he will probably reject it just because you say it. Rome wasn't build in a day. Take it one step at a time. Just try to get him to go with you to counseling.
I have no intention of accosting him as soon as he gets home. That's why I am going to leave him a note (as opposed to the novel previously written) when I leave for my vacation. We will be in the same house for four days between him getting home and me leaving. I'm not going to make that time difficult for myself - I want to be relaxed and ready to have fun in Las Vegas, not grouchy because I've been rubbed the wrong way beforehand.
He contacts the OW every day. I have the detailed phone bills that show the calls and texts. The bad feelings don't go away.
I don't expect him to be perfect.
If love is a feeling then I don't love my children approximately five days out of every week. On those days I want nothing to do with the little monsters and I only feed, clothe, change, and interact with them because I am committed to them as their mother. Many times there is nothing enjoyable about raising them. So I believe I meant something more like "love is an action" rather than "love is a commitment."
New possible note for him when I leave -
I hope you have a good break while the kids and I are gone. Enjoy the peace and quiet if you can!
I appreciate all the things you do to take care of us as a family. And I’m hoping that means you’ll be willing to go to marriage counseling with me after I get home. You are still my best friend and I want to be happy with you, and the kids to grow up happily with both of us.
The only problem with that ^^^ being he never has been my best friend. I figured that out when the short-lived honeymoon period ended.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I like the note the way it is, but if you don't feel you can say the best friend part, then leave it out. This note is much better than the letter. But keep the letter for yourself, you put a lot of thought into it. As a wife and mother, you are overburdened with 3 little boys. You do need as much help as you can get from him.
Ok, thinking of maybe getting a funny greeting card to write the short little note in. What do you guys think? Fun and flirty? Or is it just a "clingy" gesture? I don't want a sappy romantic card, just something to make him laugh.
I wish I could take every one of you to Las Vegas with me! It's going to be fun and relaxing and just about enjoying life and other people. I utterly vow to leave every single problem in my life at home and not let it sneak into my luggage to ruin this trip. If any of you ladies are local to the area find me through bluerain on FB and we can get together.
I am feeling very accomplished right now. With our tax refund I paid two credit cards off, got both of our car payments ahead by two months (just in case something goes wrong and we're short at some point), paid our car insurance for the entire year, ordered my replacement phone, and...wait for it...I am one pound from making my weight goal for Monday!!
OK, time for bed so I can keep up with another of my goals - getting enough sleep to not be a) a zombie, b) caffeine dependent, or c) a total b*tch the whole day!!!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Yes, a funny card is good. The note is not clingy and dependent, at all. Clingy is, "Don't leave me, I need you." I don't see that there. It is adult and responsible "We have 3 kids who deserve parents who take responsibility for giving them the best lives we can." Not the same.
WOW, undefeated, I read your letter and was thinking "way too long, and too many things said but well written and there are some valuable points in there...must respond later"
Then I see Lotus' response and wow, she is so smart-seriously, a card with a concise statement is such a good idea!And "sometimes truth is nice" I seriously have never ever associated truth with being nice for some reason.
Lotus to the rescue! Lotus, have you been to my thread?? Help me out, wise woman!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Undefeated, congrats on your weight loss and I wish I could go to Vegas with you! You will get a great ego boost from it and your H will notice the vibes coming off of you....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Of course, one big exciting thing is that I leave for Phoenix tomorrow and Las Vegas Sunday morning! Now if only the kids' clothes would pack themselves...I also am going to get to do something I have wanted to do since I was five. I am going to see David Copperfield live. I am also planning a hot air balloon ride and a trip to M&M World in between convention stuff. Lots of GAL!
And then there is the other big strange development here at home. My H is being affectionate. And so I am being a little more affectionate too. I don't want to go overboard and smother him, but it is nice. He and I are going out on a date tonight, and I am just going to enjoy his company. Last night he surprised me by initiating a casual kiss. Even before the bomb that wasn't common. And we are communicating much better now too. I convey what I want without being a b*tch but also with the self-assurance that says I deserve to be listened to. One slip-up a couple nights ago - he hurt my feelings and when he asked what was wrong, I told him. Unfortunately I was crying when I answered, but I pulled it together and went on with the evening as though nothing had happened. Later he didn't exactly apologize, but he did say he hadn't intended to upset me. We're just being more...warm now. Maybe something I've been doing has worked. OH! And he noticed that I had lost weight when he got home ad told me I looked nice. I really didn't think he would even pay attention. I had decided to lose the weight for me, but it was still really nice to hear that he could tell.
So I'm just a bit confused. One of my older and wiser friends suggests that maybe he is seeing the error of his ways and wants to pull away from OW. But I'm not ready for that kind of optimism yet. He's still talking to her pretty much every day as of two weeks ago (the most recent detailed phone bill). And I admit, it does get under my skin that he calls her before he calls me. But I suppose that is to be expected anyway. I am enjoying this friendlier warmer H, and I guess I'll just wait and see. I am a bit worried that suggesting MC will ruin the improvements, but I also think it would be a good step if he agrees.
I won't be doing much posting until at least next Friday, but possibly more like Tuesday the 8th. After I get back from my trip we turn around and go camping with my cousins that weekend. Oof! At least I won't have to wash and repack the same clothes. I do have a new iphone, but it's a pain to type long messages with it! I also have decided to leave every part of my emotional turmoil at home, so I hope I won't need to be posting on here while I'm gone. "See" you all as soon as I get back!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
