He does work......mostly out of his house. His phone and computer are pretty much connected to him at the hip. I sent him an e-mail at 8 this morning (8 hrs ago) asking if he or I would be taking D13 to ortho in the morning. She stays with him tonight. I usually take her and made the appt.......I know----I need to STOP letting it bother me, but WHY CAN'T HE ANSWER A SIMPLE REQUEST! The other e-mails (I guess there were 3 over 2 days)were: 1. a response to his "question" about d13's grade report; and 2. a forwarded e-mail about D16's band schedule for Saturday-----no reply required on these 2, so I'm not fretting about those. The 2 texts I sent were kid related---informative, and no reply REQUIRED, just would think it would happen since it was about kdis-----BUT I really only care about the ortho appt. I may see him tonight when he picks D up for softball and have to speak to him instead.......
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Me: (very casually)...Hey, did you get my e-mail about D13's ortho appt. in the morning?
H: Yeah, sorry I forgot to reply....I can do it....I can take her.
Me: Ok. Just make sure she gets an excuse from the ortho to get back in to class.
H: The ortho office will do that?
Me: Yes - Thanks. Have a good evening.
H: silence
No caff......I'll never understand him, but oh well.......don't think I need to at this point.
D16 begged me to take her shopping during D13's softball practice, so I did. I had a full evening with her, nervous about H's reaction if we were too late (which pisses me off). I sent him a text and told him I would get her back ASAP----hoping to have her back before softball was over. I wasn't too much later than they were, I don't think. But anyway, we had a good evening.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
There is empowerment when you finally "get it". When you are able to take a step back from the emotion and see the situation for what it is, enjoying life becomes easier. Keep taking back control of your life...you are on the right track.
HB - thank you so much for your encouragement. I've read about your journey. I read your resource posts when I first came here. I wish there was another way to get to the point that I think I have finally reached----or that I would have gotten here sooner, but I think I can accept that I'm "here" now and get to work.
Believe it or not, there is no "one set way" to get to the point of understanding; which is where you have gotten to.
Understanding and comprehension are not reached on a certain timetable...each person has their own unique way of getting there.
It took me three months after I was bombed to finally get what I had to do for myself...and even after that I made a whole bunch of errors...and this was partly because I was allowing myself to get very angry at what I was seeing; and when my anger showed, he ran...and backslid, leaving me kicking myself hard before I tumbled after him; like Jack and Jill and the water, plus the hill. LOL!!
There were MANY times when I slipped backwards..and took him with me when I did....time was added on for the mistakes...each time you make the mistake of pushing and/or saying the wrong thing(and I was famous for that)...the midlifer can and will go backwards...in that process taking the LBS with him.
I cannot exactly tell you when I finally just let go of it all..but I reached that necessary point..and almost forgot he was there for a time.
He followed me so closely, he was literally walking on my heels; but still I strode forward; immersed in my own life.
When the pressure comes off, they come forward....or not; their choice not ours.
And you know, they hold the power of decision; they always did(and remember so do you)...it doesn't really matter to them what you want; they are looking at what they want in their lives.
But you can make yourself more attractive to them..in the hopes they will decide to continue their lives WITH you instead of without you.
Shared history can make more of a difference than you think...you KNOW them in way that no one else can; as you have been there when no one else has.
Some additional thoughts I've been thinking about:
Someone had spoken of ultimatums and drawing the line as being frowned upon here...but only the LBS knows when the time is right to set those in order to break a cycle of cake eating and emotional abuse that continues on and on and is clearly seen. I think the Divorce Busting book refers to it as "Last Resort", and it's been said that it wouldn't work in MLC.
It worked for me to break a cyle or two as I had set a couple myself but only when the times were right and I knew they were right. The attitude of being willing to lose all in order to gain something better is a major factor, and you have to be emotionally ready either way this might go, as it would be a gamble...as life is ALWAYS that. There are times when you will know you're facing a cycle, and it must break or it will go on and on and on and on...and it becomes up to you to break it. Sometimes you will be afraid, that is a normal feeling..courage is such that you act in spite of the fear, not to hurt, but to help it along.
My husband was working through the final stages toward coming back together when I drew the line not once but twice on his attempted disrespectful treatment of me. I'd seen flashes of the old and the new..and he was trying me to see what he could get away with as he continued to change in rapid fire fashion...I could clearly see he knew EXACTLY what he was doing...and I acted on that knowledge to start setting boundaries...which can be construed as Ultimatums.
Cake eating is a simple one..one that refers to the spouse wanting to do whatever he wants and still have you wait. This one is a touchy one..but the cycle would become clear and again, you would see it. You should not be expected to continue to watch him hop back and forth, whether it be hopping back and forth between you and an OW or moving in and out like a Jack in a Box any time he feels like it, and continue that behavior..but if you choose to not confront him....he may not break that on his own; and it would increase his disrespect for you; in essence you would become a doormat for him. It's like breaking a child of a bad habit. Again, you would KNOW when this is a cycle that must be broken...and understand that he could become angry and decide to go away...but self respect is being sacrificed every time he does this; and a LBS can only decide for themselves what they are willing to continue to tolerate at that time.
More food for thought.
Let me remind you and anyone else who is reading this once again...every person is different, every MLC is different..what works for one may not work for another. Sometimes it is a series of trial and error.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thank you HB. I do think I have done nothing but push my H farther in ---- for 2 years. And, of course, I never really thought what I said would/should do that. If he were normal, sane, it wouldn't, but I know that he is not "normal" or "sane" right now......still.
I do fear that the length of time that it's taken me to "get it" has sealed my fate (D wise), but I know what I need to do for my happiness. I see my L for the first time on 3/2. I still plan to approach this my way, despite the fact that I suspect H is upset about the fact that I told him I wasn't going to do this his way.
I have read J3B's doormat thread. For a lot of reasons I have felt like a doormat at times------not caring about that, because I thought what I've read here, and in the book, that's what I needed to be to get through this with my M intact. I now believe that I've done nothing but make my H think I am pathetic and not worth his respect.
I am doing my best to work on me now. I continue to exercise 6 days a week (3 days on the treadmill, 3 days on weights), and I bought a self hypnosis CD that was recommended here. I keep falling asleep everytime I turn it on----so if nothing else, it is VERY relaxing. I have a lot to work on willpower wise, but I'll get there (am hoping the CD's will help). I'm not going to fail at this, this time.
This is my H's weekend. Late last night I got a text asking if I could take D16 to sb practice. He planned to take D13 to her practice and then was taking D13 and S11 to band practice (which meant I got D16 all to myself for the night !). It seems he lined up 2 other kids to go along to keep them company. I don't know. I have no say in this, but I don't understand why he has to incorporate them in to his nights of being a "rock star." I know S thinks it's cool---when he gets to hang out with the "men," but I doubt that D13 will think that. I will admit when he started this band----and decided to devote more time to the band than US, I was hurt and didn't understand. I've made progress on that---knowing that this is important to him,but have a problem with him dragging our kids along. Now, when he has them, if they are not playing ball,at least one of them is at band night with him. Usually, he leaves both girls behind----and I gladly let them hang out with me.......which makes it clear that I don't have other plans and am just THERE when they need me.....which I need to be, but I can't appear to have a life to H....so that I can be there for the kids....am I making sense? Anyway, despite my progress, I spent some time last night imagining that H now has band practice when he has the kids, so he can have "my" weekends with OW (that he says is over).....until I realized that he is usually running one of the girls to sb practice and also has band practice on my weekends...ughhhhhh.......I gave that too much time in my head.
He came to pick up D13 Friday to take her to pitch. I said, so you know S11 is at friends house until 7? He glares at me, and says NO! I say, I'm sure that e-mail was sent to you (I checked later and yes, it was sent to both of us). S was at friends working on project for destination imagination. He says "whatever," and quickly gets out of there. I saw pure anger in his eyes again. It has come and gone over the last couple years. It had been gone for awhile........when I picked D16 up for sb practice yesterday she was in the driveway getting her bag together, upset. I asked her what was up and she said dad was "having a baby fit" because she had to call him to ask if he would be home soon----he had been out running D13 somewhere. Her sb bag was in his truck, she simply called to find out where he was so she could have her bag in time for practice. He told her that he went straight to pick up D13, straight to her next stop, left her there and came straight back-----sounded to me like he thought SHE was accusing him of something. Anyway, I chose not to go up and see S11, because I didn't want to see H when he was like that----and I'm sure H didn't want to see me. It was good for me----because it is SO hard to see H with that anger in his eyes...........
Another snow storm setting in. They are saying 6+ inches today. It snowed off and on on us yesterday when we went to sb practice. I decided that D and I would stop and get our toes done before going home last night----it was fun. We both picked out fun colors (D picked out neon orange), and then got flowers on our big toes. Made us think of spring....until we walked out in the snow with our pedicure sandals on. We came home and made chicken fajitas and watched two movies together. It was a perfect date!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Even if it goes as far as a divorce..it's still not too late..never say die unless he remarries or you move on completely; then it's truly finished. That's my two cents for what it's worth. That was meant to be encouraging; the working on you is a never ending story..we grow throughout our lives; never completing that until we take our last breath on this earth. Better to get it late, than never.
When you're watching his behavior as a "rock star", think like a kid/teen..what do you see? I saw the teenager right off the bat as I read. He's trying to get close to his children, too.
I had to relearn, for awhile, to stop seeing this through the eyes of an adult, and see some of this through the eyes of a teen...and boy, did I get an eyeful...I listened and paid attention to what I hearing/seeing. It's something else to see a grown man act like a teen. I've had the thought of you putting the adult you on hold, finding the teenager within and beginning to flirt with him, attempting to draw him back..just to see if it will work. He's going to be suspicious at first at this type of change..but be consistent with it; remember how you got together with him in the beginning? Something to think about. I might be WAY off base here or overstepping my bounds...hit ME with a 2x4 if that's the case.
Quote:
Anyway, I chose not to go up and see S11, because I didn't want to see H when he was like that----and I'm sure H didn't want to see me. It was good for me----because it is SO hard to see H with that anger in his eyes...........
You're trying to "read his mind" and you can't do that..how do you know your husband didn't want to see you? The only way you're going to try any type of damage repair..that is, IF you want to try, is to face his anger; which you will most likely STILL see on 03/02; unless he's forgotten it...and they change so much in moods, etc from day to day..I'm surprised they even remember anything. But, and I don't want to sound harsh; we have to face consequences for what we do in this life....and if you caused his anger, face it, see where you did anything wrong, apologize if an apology is necessary...and go on as there would be nothing else you could do.
There was a time, I remember angering my husband more than once...confronting him about the OW he lied about, but on this particular time, he sat down hard at the table and stared out the window demanding that I leave him alone...I simply said I was sorry he was angry and left the room..gave him space for awhile. It took him awhile to get past it; but I took the brunt of it; because I knew I'd caused it through my own actions. But it passed, after I faced what I'd done.
Food for thought
In the meantime, learn yourself, learn what you need to do to change, continue working on yourself.
Gotta run.
Let me know if I'm off base, here..I don't wish to overstep my bounds...you have NOTHING to lose by trying what I'm suggesting...you seem to think you've lost it all anyway. And I'm really sorry for that.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I appreciate and think hard on everything that is posted to me. And I will think awhile on this one.
I was 14.....he was 16.....and he pursued me.....I feel like I've always been a "grown up," and don't know how to act like a teenager......so I would need help with that. I see it in him, completely down to his unwillingness to speak to me and opting only to e-mail requests for divorce.
Thanks.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
and if you caused his anger, face it, see where you did anything wrong, apologize if an apology is necessary...and go on as there would be nothing else you could do.
Dwelling on this one. I can't imagine what I did in THIS instance to cause his anger to flare. I suspect that he's angry that I won't do the divorce his way. We hadn't had much/if any contact in days (and no contact about the D in over a week). Some days I suspect he's just angry that he has to come to what was once his home to pick up his kids----rather than have D16 deliver them to him. He might be angry that I put my ring back on??? I don't know, some that post here tell me to not let his reaction affect me. I knew yesterday that if I went in and saw his anger it would stick with me even longer and may cause me to be reactive----which I 'm trying to avoid.
I don't want to be done. If that was the case I would be divorced already. But I will admit I do think the D will happen ---- which will be the end. It's true, I do feel like I've lost, and with that I know what this all means for me, which will be good for me in the end. I wish I would have realized this sooner, but I know now.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
