I agree, don't forget these guys still operate in fear, keep doing what you are doing, relax. As far as the kids go, if they are anything like mine, they tend to only see things in black and white. In the end they will understand. LT
So it has been one week since our "reconnection". My H has been spending a little more time with me than before but no talk of moving back since last weekend. He stayed here last night and then got up early this morning telling me he wanted to go to work to get caught up. He plans on coming back later this afternoon and we have plans to go to a party tonight. I sense he wants to spend time with me but still feels anxiety about being here full time. He has had 2 IC sessions so far. I think he is planning on continuing with that however there has been no further talk of MC at this point...I know, I know it has only been a week.
I just read this on ThisCan'tBTheEnd's thread.
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
Someone had spoken of ultimatums and drawing the line as being frowned upon here...but only the LBS knows when the time is right to set those in order to break a cycle of cake eating and emotional abuse that continues on and on and is clearly seen. I think the Divorce Busting book refers to it as "Last Resort", and it's been said that it wouldn't work in MLC.
It worked for me to break a cyle or two as I had set a couple myself but only when the times were right and I knew they were right. The attitude of being willing to lose all in order to gain something better is a major factor, and you have to be emotionally ready either way this might go, as it would be a gamble...as life is ALWAYS that. There are times when you will know you're facing a cycle, and it must break or it will go on and on and on and on...and it becomes up to you to break it. Sometimes you will be afraid, that is a normal feeling..courage is such that you act in spite of the fear, not to hurt, but to help it along.
My husband was working through the final stages toward coming back together when I drew the line not once but twice on his attempted disrespectful treatment of me. I'd seen flashes of the old and the new..and he was trying me to see what he could get away with as he continued to change in rapid fire fashion...I could clearly see he knew EXACTLY what he was doing...and I acted on that knowledge to start setting boundaries...which can be construed as Ultimatums.
Cake eating is a simple one..one that refers to the spouse wanting to do whatever he wants and still have you wait. This one is a touchy one..but the cycle would become clear and again, you would see it. You should not be expected to continue to watch him hop back and forth, whether it be hopping back and forth between you and an OW or moving in and out like a Jack in a Box any time he feels like it, and continue that behavior..but if you choose to not confront him....he may not break that on his own; and it would increase his disrespect for you; in essence you would become a doormat for him. It's like breaking a child of a bad habit. Again, you would KNOW when this is a cycle that must be broken...and understand that he could become angry and decide to go away...but self respect is being sacrificed every time he does this; and a LBS can only decide for themselves what they are willing to continue to tolerate at that time.
More food for thought.
Let me remind you and anyone else who is reading this once again...every person is different, every MLC is different..what works for one may not work for another. Sometimes it is a series of trial and error.
HB-thank you for writing this. That was me that said that deadlines and ultimatums are frowned upon here. I had been concerned about whether or not the deadline was the right thing to do especially after my H could not move forward when the deadline came. It took being without me for about 6 weeks to make my H realize some things and thus push him slightly forward. That being said, I am afraid we could end up in the same place we were if I don't set new boundaries.
My H is a attorney and will be going into trial mode (where he can pretty much think of nothing other than the trial) here in about a week lasting up to 4 weeks. When that happens, there will be very little interaction with him, pushing our relationship even further to the back burner. It would be difficult to set boundaries during this time. I want to keep things moving forward but how?
Upside, Things can continue to move along if you are willing to be a friend and a good listener. If you have the opportunity to ineract w/him during this time, ask how the trial going, etc. Show interest in what he's doing as that is very important.
Most importantly, take care of yourself and dig deeper for more patience during this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly-Even though it may not sound like it from my post, I am surprisingly relaxed about the situation and so at the moment, I seem to have found more patience. I am sure part of it is from the prayers and support of all the wonderful people here and part of it is from my H's slight movement forward. As always, I will try to be my H's friend, support him and take interest. I just have a fear of things going back to the way they were which is not acceptable to me. I know I have to continue to be patient and I will. It was just so painful to get to this point, I don't want to take any steps backwards. Thank you for your encouragement.
lfw-I need to remind myself that my H's IC is much more important than MC at this point. As long as he continues with that, I should be thankful. If he continues to work on himself, that will help our marriage. Thanks for helping remind me of that.
You have had a lot of positives recently and your h is inching his way home. If he takes two steps back, he will regroup, just like a toddler learning to walk, i.e., stumbles and falls, they will get up and try again.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. When you fear something, others tend to feel the tension and may respond differently. I understand your thoughts about things going backwards, but there are going to be times when they do until he's completely finished his crisis. From what you've posted, I do not see you going backwards unless you get sucked back into his drama if he stumbles. If he stumbles, step back and allow him the time he needs to regroup.
You have come a long way. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Upside, I've read so much here that I honestly did not remember who'd said that.
Like you say, it's been one week..don't let the impatience that can come carry you away. Be a friend, find things to talk about, that relate to him, listen to what he has to say. Validate his feelings..right or wrong, they are his. Remember he is still in a great deal of emotional pain..doesn't look like it, but it's true. Continue to be low key with him for now...he seems to be coming forward, although a little slow once again.
My suggestion is to let things happen as they will for now; taking whatever you can get for now..you will know when it's time to set new boundaries...I can't tell you when ..you are the only one who will know.
I'd say you're doing well..as you say he's spending a little more time with you than before..that is part of the going backward, coming forward dance they do. The limits you set are working, although they seem to be slow.
But it's ok, bear in mind; all you have is TIME..and there's plenty of that. Anything that's worth waiting for is worth the time spent to try and get it.
This is such a confusing time for you as it is; and at times you're afraid to draw the line in fear that you'll lose him. I've been there...but there comes a time when you see things clearly, knowing they are just pushing the limits..then you somehow know when to draw that line.
Believe it or not, they DO remember how you treat them while in the tunnel, even if they don't remember what they did to you. They,too, will experience a fading of the memories just as you will when things come back together. Eventually, it will all fade, with very little remembered.
It's a fine balance..too harsh, and you'll lose it all..too easy, and they take that as a license to run over you..and you might lose them anyway.
Your fear is very normal..just watch the situation as it continues to unfold...and do what you need to do when you need to do it.
Hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Still no talk of my H moving home however he is continuing to spend more time here. In comparison, he probably spent more time here on the weekend than he ever has however he seems to wake up early and is anxious and has to leave. I have trouble figuring that one out. We did have a very short R talk the other night but I didn't push anything. During the conversation he did refer to the master bedroom as "our room" and for some reason that felt like progress to me...silly huh!
snodderly-It is so funny but I keep hearing Roosevelt's quote lately "There is nothing to fear but fear itself." I think somebody is trying to tell me something. I agree that others sense your fear and tension and they can sense your self-assuredness as well. I am trying to stay positive and self-assured...and keep those pesky negative thoughts creep at bay.
Originally Posted By: HeartsBlessing
It's a fine balance..too harsh, and you'll lose it all..too easy, and they take that as a license to run over you..and you might lose them anyway.
HB-I struggle with this at times. You want to be understanding and patient but at the same time, you can't let yourself be a doormat. Patience was never one of my stronger virtues but I am certainly learning it now between my H and my 2 teenage kids. I am trying to let things just unfold as they will and continue to be his friend. It is always easy when he is making an effort to move forward...I will continue to try even when he takes a step or two back.
