She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

I just hope she sticks to the plan of individual therapy. When I get home I'll do individual therapy, and then when the time is right we'll do co-counseling. I need to realize this didn't happen overnight, and neither will the repair. I need to give it time,and hope that we can begin to repair and rebuild one day. Sooner rather than later I hope. I didn't invest 17 1/2 years in this marriage to just let it go like that. This has been a very frustrating and sad process, and it's only just begun.

[Steve McQueen]

In June I was asked to deploy to Afghanistan.

Prior to this, June, how much / often were you away from your home? As in the past year or two, have you been spending months at a time away from your wife with the military?

[tbart01]

No I haven't been gone since 2007, but this is my first time in a combat zone. She really feels like she's lost herself, and she's starting to get some of that back.

We have a mobile home that we rent out. The tenants have moved out. Following is an email she sent: "That is a great thing. I am already going to do some trade out work for to purchase new vinyl and carpet for the trailer. I am going up this week or next to sign paperwork for the lot rent and I will cancel the renters insurance with State Farm. We have to pay for it anyway, so I will stay up there while you have your 4 weeks off. I will get the trailer in habitable living conditions for me and the girls and take a few pieces of furniture. I will take the futon and the wooden entertainment center and the tv from our bedroom. Sheets and bedding for the futon is all I need for now. I want you to stay at the house so we don’t uproot the kids at this point. You need to rest from the sand and be able to come back to your house. I will be busy with work and getting the trailer fixed up. Anyway, I think it is good news and it gives us options as to where to stay. I will talk to you tonight."

This sounded bad to me at first, but it does give us some options. Gives her a chance to continue with her individual counseling and work on herself. She also says that we have to pay for it anyway, so why not fix it up. She want's to do the work for her confidence and stay there while she does it. She also mentioned that we may rent it out again one day, and the work needs to be done first.

I now see this as a potential positive. No marriage is going to be fixed over night. It's going to take time, and this affords us the time. maybe after the 4 weeks we can start co-counseling and see where it takes us. She has a counseling session scheduled for next week, and she's really excited.

I look forward to her getting the help she needs, and me to whenever I finally get home. The reality is that we're obviously going to separate when I get home. Only time will tell how long that's going to be. I will keep doing what I need to do to make sure we have an opportunity for repair, and that I give her the required space. Our talks have bben short, but good. I can't wait to get home and start this process. It's so hard being so far away.

[tbart01]

I really have nothing new to add. I was hoping to be going back from my deployment in three weeks, but it looks like I have two more months. I can't do anything but think about the sitch. I have a hard time focusing on my task at hand here. I've had bouts of depression, sadness, and pretty much everything but happiness. I just want to get home and start the process of her going to IC and me going to IC. I really need to see my daughters to help ease the pain.

I'm trying to vision my life without her just in case, and it's really hard to do. Being so far away and not seeing and living the sitch makes it very hard to seem like reality. It was hard to hear her talk about moving out, but she left the door cracked when she mentioned renting the place out later.

I just don't know what to think anymore. Her and my teenage daughter haven't been getting along, because my daughter is mad at her for wanting to do this. She hears my wife talk about divorce and me talking about working things out, and she says she's confused. I just tell my daughter that that's my intention, but it's going to take time. i asked her to please be patient and wait until I get home. She's grounded from the computer and her cell phone, so we're unable to communicate as freely as we used to.

i just feel bad about the entire situation and the fact that I'm not home to be there for my girls. I keep thinking about them staying with just me when I get back, and I look forward to the challenge. I also keep thinking about all the things I want to do with them that doesn't involve their mother. It will be strange to my wife seeing me do all that with just them. Hopefully positive to the girls that dad is strong, and we'll see what my W thinks.

[tbart01]

Update:

It appears that the rental is in such bad shape that she's talking about trading it in on a new one. I asked if she planned to do this in her name only, and she told me no. She still want's the trailer as a place for us to rotate out of while we're working this out.

She said that if we work this out then my older daughter can live there and pay for it when she goes to college. When she said if we work this out i was rather surprised as all talk before was about nothing but divorce. i know these words were small, however it did leave a window cracked so to speak.

I just need to keep working on me and allow her to work on herself. When the time is right, we'll start to work on us.

[tbart01]

My W and I have been talking allot lately, her calling me, and she keeps cracking the window open a little more. She told me the reason she doesn't want us living together when I return is because she's afraid I'm going to talk her into leaving things the way they were. She has started counseling and wants me to do the same when I get home. She told me she still loves me, but wants us to work on ourselves and then us. That's been my plan the entire time, that's just the first time she's shared her plan with me.

What it boils down to is she's lost herself, and she needs to get herself back. She wants to be able to make a decision without having to analyze and worry about the outcome. I may not completely understand, but I respect that it's her feeling. I'm slowly developing patience, and will wait for her because I love her, but I won't wait forever.

She's very up and down, but she doesn't seem as divorce minded as she once did. I really don't know how to take all this. W says she doesn't know exactly what's going to happen when I get home, which isn't neceseraly good or bad, she is just obviously confused. This is the first time in months that she even mentioned the fact that she still loves me.

[tbart01]

I need some help from some of you with experience. I had mentioned previously that my wife had started counseling finally. She says she needs to fix her before she can work on a relationship. I can completely understand that, but she sent me this in an email the other day.

"I want you to continue to work on yourself. I have a long way to go and you have even further because you have never traveled this road with a professional before. It is hard and takes time. Things cannot be fixed in a matter of weeks or months. Especially since you are dealing with issues from your childhood. It is a long journey but one that is well worth it in the end. You will be amazed at the progress you make when you come back".

I agree with most of this, but i disagree with the fact that it's going to be a longer road for me. I have worked on allot of stuff while deployed, and feel better about myself than I have in years. i agree I have flaws and deep rooted childhood issues that contribute to my trust and jealousy issues. that I definitely need professional counseling for. However, I don't feel broken, lost, or depressed like my wife says she feels. i haven't relayed this to her, but should I worry that she thinks I need so much help.

Obviously since I'm not home yet, she really doesn't know how far I've come. I still have a long way to go, but I'm well on the way.

Our conversations have gone well, nothing bad, nothing good. She seems to be over the angry stage, and has been more positive and supportive of things.

[Surviving03]

wow...your sitch is so so so similar to my own, difference is that my H is the deployed and he is the one that wants a divorce. I have the same feelings of hope that when he comes home he will get back to reality and realize that he is making a mistake.... but I know that is just wishful thinking and the chances of that happening are a million to one. People on here told you that you should reclaim your house and you stay in your bedroom, etc, and be the MAN of the house type thing... does that same strategy work in my case? I was thinking about letting my H take the bedroom when he came home since he has been gone to the desert for 7 months... but now I think that I should take the bedroom myself and let him take the couch?

My H has said some similar things to me as your W said. He felt that he "lost himself" and wanted to make decisions for his life without worrying about who they were affecting. He has said he loves me but is not in love with me, etc. He also mentioned to me one time that we could go to counseling when he came home, but then stopped talking to me after he said that. I havent heard from him in weeks. He comes home in a week and a half.

I see how difficult it is to be the LBS on this side, I can only imagine what i must feel like to be the LBS on the deployed side of it.

[tbart01]

meghunny it's definately difficult being the LBS while I'm not even there to face it. Luckily my wife and I still talk to one another, just not that often.

I used to think that me returning homw would give some magic spark that would change things. However, as things progress I see that it may not occur. Her attitude has gone from anger and meaness to neautrality.

I tried to follow the advice of taking the house back, and it backfired on me. It sent her into such a downward spiral. It was after I backed off and agreed to our previous plan that her attitude began to change.

Even from a distance I had to let her go and give her space. I told her I wouldn't take the house over, and I would only call her once a week like she had asked. When I started to give her this space she started calling me, and even became willing to talk to me when I would call to speak to my kids.

She also started to speak about the future, she started IC, she even told me she stillloved me, but didn't want me to live in the house withher because she was afraid I'd talk her into things being the way they were. The truth is I don't want things to be the way they were, that's unacceptable even to me. I didn't realize this fact until my stch.

She even mentioned she didn't know what would happen once i got ome, that could be bad or good. The reality is, I don't know how she's going to accept my return nor do you know how your H is going to accept his return. You and I are both in unknown territorry. We just need to be patient and understanding of how they feel once they return. All we can do is wonder and speculate how things will be, and it's a very difficult spot to be in.

I've taken this time to work on the things I know I need to work on, and that's what you need to do as well. We can only improve ourselves, because unfortunatley we can't change them or the way they feel. This is something I've had to learn throughout this process.

Repairing my marriage is going to be a long hard journey, but first we need to fix ourselves. The marriage will come secnd and naturally. That doesn't mean it will be repaired, but hopefully we will have tried all that can possibly tried.

[Surviving03]

yes... you do sound like you are in a little bit better position than I am in for the fact that she is at least speaking to you. I dont know what happened to my H in that regard... he was talking to me very regularly... but I think he felt bombarded, and he knows he HAS to deal with it when he gets back so he is just keeping to himself and avoiding the drama right now. which sucks for me... but what can i do.

I do need to get with the program as far as understanding that I need to make changes for myself, I know a few of the things that werent working for him and I fully accept and acknowledge that they require change. But I still have the mindset that I am trying to change for him and for our marriage. I feel sometimes like why should I have to go thru so much pain and so much one sided effort just to stay married to him?? But I WANT nothing more than to be married to him and work on this. I know that marriage is work and its not something to just walk away from when things are not happy.... but how do you work with that if your spouse doesnt seem to want to try? My H did say he would go to counseling in the last email he wrote me.....but judging by his behavior since then, I kinda dont see that happening.

I am going to do my best to just be understanding of what he is feeling, and try to work on myself in the meantime.... its weird for us though, because we are currently stationed on an overseas base already, so he could have me sent back to the States when gets home, or he could stay at the house, or he could move into the dorms (which he has mentioned)

I just pray that the outcome of all this is that we have a healthier, happier, and stronger marriage because of this and our efforts made all the difference in the world.....