Hey Future, Ouch. She is still messing with you. What does a lawyer say about the costs of the D? She is really trying to drag you through the dirt for as long as she can, isn't she? My counsellor tells me to watch out for those 'hooks' my H sends me to try to keep me in the drama. I honestly think that the A is not nearly as much fun for them without the drama of the 3rd person. Its a huge ego boost for her to think that OM and you are both pining for her. Of course it is going to bother you that she is going to see this guy. That's normal, even if you ARE done with who she is now. It brings up a lot of pain and resentment and grief over what should have been between you two---but you don't have to confuse those with actually wanting to get back together with the person WHO SHE IS RIGHT NOW. Future, if I could bet the farm, someday, when this is all over, and she grows up, like you have through all of this, she will regret this and possibly want to give things another shot. But it sounds like she hasn't learned anything yet and she hasn't grown up. My SIL asked me if I'd consider getting back with H when this A crashes, which sees as a given, but he hasn't LEARNED anything. Your job is to do everything you can to save your marriage when you see the brokenness, but when the spouse insists on continuing with the A, you've got no choice but to move on.
I think that there are 2 different kinds of affairs. One kind of affair is when a friendship develops between 2 people slowly and the growing feelings catch them off guard. This likely fills a void from the marriage and seems to be one that is more likely to be "busted". The other kind of affair is more of an addiction. I think that kind of affair involves long distances, the internet, and even more fantasy. When you say you want to work on the marriage, and you do everything you can for as long as you can do it, and the unfaithful spouse doesn't want to stop or can't stop, you have to recognize that it has turned into something that no longer has anything at all to do with you. It has to do with the person being addicted to the high and the drama, which I think is actually sustained by long distances. If you never meet the kids or see the dirty house and never have to fight about who is going to unload the dishwasher, it can be pretty easy to sustain being "in love". My H is in that kind of affair--they have the same date over and over again--meeting at a 4 star hotel in a big city, and going to the best restaurant they can find. Neither of them has ever seen the other's house, seen how they interact with another human being, much less their family members. They can be these two people who look great on the outside for a weekend, but mask tremendous inner pain and turmoil on the inside. Your W's affair seems at least that exotic--if not more. Future, your W needs to learn something. She's on a path to learn it. Maybe in 5 or 10 years you will both come full circle, but you can't be on hold. Your staying in her drama only fuels her addiction. You have to see her as she is RIGHT NOW. Not the person she was or the person she could be. She might become that person in the future, and if she does become that person, and you are available, you can give it a good faith second chance. But you have to deal with who she is right now, and she has to learn more about herself and grow from this. I think she has to hit bottom, like an addict, before she will learn.
I wouldn't do the D before one year if it is going to cause MORE drama and cost you more, but Citygirl has the experience of your state and maybe you need to make a clean break sooner rather than later. If its to end the M emotionally, I think that people who are trying to live with honesty and integrity recognize the danger of jumping into another relationship to soon, anyway. One of my New Year's resolutions was to have a date in 2010. But I've been thinking maybe that's the last thing I need--maybe my resolution should be NOT to have a date in 2010!
Hope your gig went well! (PS, In your other thread, you asked about family time. I am doing one family time event a week for the kids. Tonight we are going to the movies together. So far, its not messing with my head--but part of it is that I'm looking at who my H is, really, right now, and I have no desire to be with him. The man he COULD be is really amazing, but who he right now has no appeal to me at all. Maybe someday he will become that amazing man, but for now, he feels like a 14 year old to me).
