Ring On or Ring Off????

[ddstartingover]

Thank you HB. I do think I have done nothing but push my H farther in ---- for 2 years. And, of course, I never really thought what I said would/should do that. If he were normal, sane, it wouldn't, but I know that he is not "normal" or "sane" right now......still.

I do fear that the length of time that it's taken me to "get it" has sealed my fate (D wise), but I know what I need to do for my happiness. I see my L for the first time on 3/2. I still plan to approach this my way, despite the fact that I suspect H is upset about the fact that I told him I wasn't going to do this his way.

I have read J3B's doormat thread. For a lot of reasons I have felt like a doormat at times------not caring about that, because I thought what I've read here, and in the book, that's what I needed to be to get through this with my M intact. I now believe that I've done nothing but make my H think I am pathetic and not worth his respect.

I am doing my best to work on me now. I continue to exercise 6 days a week (3 days on the treadmill, 3 days on weights), and I bought a self hypnosis CD that was recommended here. I keep falling asleep everytime I turn it on----so if nothing else, it is VERY relaxing. I have a lot to work on willpower wise, but I'll get there (am hoping the CD's will help). I'm not going to fail at this, this time.

This is my H's weekend. Late last night I got a text asking if I could take D16 to sb practice. He planned to take D13 to her practice and then was taking D13 and S11 to band practice (which meant I got D16 all to myself for the night !). It seems he lined up 2 other kids to go along to keep them company. I don't know. I have no say in this, but I don't understand why he has to incorporate them in to his nights of being a "rock star." I know S thinks it's cool---when he gets to hang out with the "men," but I doubt that D13 will think that. I will admit when he started this band----and decided to devote more time to the band than US, I was hurt and didn't understand. I've made progress on that---knowing that this is important to him,but have a problem with him dragging our kids along. Now, when he has them, if they are not playing ball,at least one of them is at band night with him. Usually, he leaves both girls behind----and I gladly let them hang out with me.......which makes it clear that I don't have other plans and am just THERE when they need me.....which I need to be, but I can't appear to have a life to H....so that I can be there for the kids....am I making sense? Anyway, despite my progress, I spent some time last night imagining that H now has band practice when he has the kids, so he can have "my" weekends with OW (that he says is over).....until I realized that he is usually running one of the girls to sb practice and also has band practice on my weekends...ughhhhhh.......I gave that too much time in my head.

He came to pick up D13 Friday to take her to pitch. I said, so you know S11 is at friends house until 7? He glares at me, and says NO! I say, I'm sure that e-mail was sent to you (I checked later and yes, it was sent to both of us). S was at friends working on project for destination imagination. He says "whatever," and quickly gets out of there. I saw pure anger in his eyes again. It has come and gone over the last couple years. It had been gone for awhile........when I picked D16 up for sb practice yesterday she was in the driveway getting her bag together, upset. I asked her what was up and she said dad was "having a baby fit" because she had to call him to ask if he would be home soon----he had been out running D13 somewhere. Her sb bag was in his truck, she simply called to find out where he was so she could have her bag in time for practice. He told her that he went straight to pick up D13, straight to her next stop, left her there and came straight back-----sounded to me like he thought SHE was accusing him of something. Anyway, I chose not to go up and see S11, because I didn't want to see H when he was like that----and I'm sure H didn't want to see me. It was good for me----because it is SO hard to see H with that anger in his eyes...........

Another snow storm setting in. They are saying 6+ inches today. It snowed off and on on us yesterday when we went to sb practice. I decided that D and I would stop and get our toes done before going home last night----it was fun. We both picked out fun colors (D picked out neon orange), and then got flowers on our big toes. Made us think of spring....until we walked out in the snow with our pedicure sandals on. We came home and made chicken fajitas and watched two movies together. It was a perfect date!