Getting Ready For Divorce

[luvless]

Yeah crushed...your wife is not a nice lady. I still cannot understand why these WAS's act so horribly. If you want the hell out...just leave! why be so damn mean about leaving someone? It just isn't necessary not to mention - you loved this person at one point so why be so hateful?

[crushed_v95]

O.K.... this forum is becoming a real lifeline... so much so that my posting frequency here is a bit disturbing; but, you all are the only support I've found.

I'm going to spill some more simply because it has to do with the situation this evening, and some changes which have taken place. I find it both amusing and sad and amazing, all at the same time.

Last fall (between August and October) I noticed something very different about wife. She actually seduced me one night -- something that has never happened since before we were married, fifteen years earlier. In the afterglow she started talking about her new boss.

Her new boss is a man I've never met and don't care about, but from her tone and content, and the strange goings on, and dozens of other hints, I knew they had probably been intimate. She was training this man at his job and he was shadowing her trying to learn the ropes.

For the next few months she got progressively colder toward me. I started hiding out in the guest bedroom and letting her take complete control of the house. Her mom stepped in to handle the kids. I was very depressed, crushed, etc.

It was her custom to spend Friday evenings with this man, among other people from her place of employment. It became part of our lives. She would be out late Fridays. I learned to simply deal with it.

Twice, in October and in early December, I let on that I knew she was spending time with him. Rather than her usual schtick she got incredibly defensive, flipped out, and lost control. This simply bolstered my suspicions. I wasn't convinced that they had been having a physical affair (and am not today) and don't care to find evidence, but in my mind I believe it is happening.

Friday evenings were very difficult for me since. I generally isolated myself in the guest room and cried about life. I'm coming to realize how easy it has been for my wife to despise me. I have no self-respect.

Our fifteenth anniversary was a Thursday. She made a point to stay out late for it. On Friday she stayed out extra late. I went downstairs to see her poured into bed, at midnight. I'm sure she expected me to cry and grovel and beg. She probably would have "taken me back" at that point. That's been our skit.

I didn't.

"Do you think we could work on our divorce at some point?" I asked.

Drunk, she replied "yeah, I've been busy, sorry,", then farted, rolled over, and pretended to fall asleep.

I think that was the point I hit rock bottom; but I didn't cry.

The next morning I cried. She sneered. I begged. She scoffed. Finally I asked her why she hadn't filed yet. It had been three weeks.

"I've been busy, and it overwhelms me to think about it, I need you to help me, I apologize..."

That was the only apology I got from her, ever... an apology for not divorcing me.

The next week I found the DR book. I read it, offered it to her. She despised me for it.

That was two weeks ago.

One week ago I had my fortieth birthday. I also, finally, de-lurked here and got some good advice.

I went dark.

Every Friday it is her custom to go out and schtup her boss, to bury her face in his nether regions until his toes curl and he screams... Then she gets to come home and chuckle at her husband who sits in the guest room and takes care of the kids.

This Friday my son and I went out directly after school. We had a great time. I taught him to drive my car in an undeveloped part of town. It was probably the high point of his 13 years.

We got pizzas, sodas and ice cream.

Daughter had gone to grandma's. Grandma is wife's confidant and co-conspirator. Grandma was supposed to bring daughter home well before dinner time, but didn't. We called daughter once.

"We're doing something special," said son. "Come home and eat dinner".

"Grandma will bring me home in a bit," she said.

Grandma apparently called mom/wife, because daughter called back again.

"Mom's picking me up,"

It was a candlelight dinner. Three places were set, not four. Tonight it was wife who was left out of the fun, though she rushed home curious at the new development.

Dad is out of his room. He took his wedding ring off today. He no longer cares what Mom does on Friday nights.

Curiously, mom seems to care, at least a little bit, about the new developments.

I didn't look at her, didn't acknowledge her presence. She tried to interrupt us. I told daughter to sit and do her chores after our family dinner. The emphasis is on family... and there are three people in my family now.

Wife preened, walked back and forth in front of me, loudly talked to her dog, then finally went downstairs to sulk.

[crushed_v95]

ah, she went back out. i didn't even notice.

"to the Y"

she meets another dude at the gym. maybe her boss was busy.

[crushed_v95]

Hey luvless:

I'm becoming the WAS. Give credit/blame where due.

And there's plenty of blame to go 'round. She's mean because I never left. She knows I'm a doormat who let her do "whatever she wants, with whoever she wants, whenever she wants" (her favorite phrase).

The good part of it all is that she'll never believe I'm leaving until she gets served, to come home to a house without me in it. It's going to take a few weeks, but when it happens I'm going to find it very sweet. I feel suffocated here.

[crushed_v95]

I'm so angry. This isn't like me.

We spoke on the phone this morning, early, for about 30 seconds. I hung up on her.

I took my son out to rake leaves in our yard. She came out. "Do this" she told him. I cut her off. She left with a pained expression on her face.

I don't want to be married to her, but I find all sorts of negative emotions coming out of me whenever I see her. She is sending out feelers which traditionally meant it was time for me to kiss up and go back to me being quiet.

I want to be assertive with my wife, not an [censored]. The problem is I haven't the self control to find the delineator.

I just went on a long run through my neighborhood, which took about an hour. She's "going out" until late, so that will give me time to think.

Divorce Busting and going dark doesn't mean being cold or rude. I need badly to find a balance.

[luvless]

I so hear you crushed....every single word. I feel you too. I am left with no choice but to try (if I've got the the time left) to become the WAW. My H has disrespected me and my kids for far too long now. He comes home late every night. He's done so many things there are too many to list.

I think you are in a good place. A good place of detachment which you need to survive the next emotional wave.

Keep writing because I'm listening.....and learning.

Luv

[crushed_v95]

Hey Luvless:

I don't know if I'm in a good place or not.

I don't want to be the *nice guy* any longer, but I've been one for so long I don't know how to constructively assert without coming across like a total jerk.

I am really angry at her though. All these past events were buried somewhat, and thinking about it in the past week has forced me to deal with it. Fifteen years of rage is hard to process.

Wife has been using D15 as her cover. She takes her along on her outings, sends her someplace to wait, and then does her thang out of sight. She's training our daughter to be deceptive, in other words. Daughter told me this a week ago, and it happened again last night.

[crushed_v95]

Yesterday, wife took D15 "to the mall". S13 stayed with me. We had a great day until about 6 pm.

"I want to go to the Y" (the health club) says son.

My heart jumped. He has a membership but has never been to the club. I don't have a membership at all, and was not invited to get one.

I asked him if he knew where his mom was.

"She's at the mall with [sister]"

Before I let him get out of the car I prowled the parking lot. Wife's car wasn't there, though that doesn't mean she wasn't. Wife goes to the health club at odd hours and has been seen with a male friend. I was very careful but asked if son was aware that mom was probably not at the mall with his sister.

Son blushed and admitted that "sometimes mom says she's going one place but really leaves for a few hours".

When I picked him up he told me his mother sent him a flurry of text messages once she found out I dropped him at the health club. She probably thought I was trying to set her up to be discovered by our little boy. I think he knows more than he lets on anyway about her extramarital activities.

Son and I ate together again tonight. It was such a great evening. After I put him to bed, a friend from Toronto called. Wife and daughter got home very late, and I was still on the phone.

It's liberating to find a support system, to forge better bonds with the kids, to simply let go of the baggage I've carried for so long.

[crushed_v95]

Today my goal is to not snap at my wife, to not be cruel. I'll be firm and collected, not dismissive or cold. I'll be pleasant and professional.

She's still asleep. She must have had quite the day yesterday. I will control myself when she wakes up. My children will have a peaceful Sunday in their home. This is my resolve.

[txjet]

Crushed, as you mentioned in response to one of my messages, we have so much in common. I ended up with my wife because of low self-confidence (married her despite seeing warning signs and choosing to move on to someone with fewer significant problems that could affect the marriage), and she has tried to overrule me in so many ways during the course of our marriage. What I had hoped would be a good marriage has become a miserable time.

I, too, have made the decision (unpopular based on replies to my messages on these forums) to divorce. Cannot continue to be a doormat for this woman.

Know that you have my emotional support, for what it is worth.