Don't mind read or over do the analysis about what an off the cuff remark MAY have meant if anything, b/c it wastes so much energy that could be better spent on truly GAL rather than wondering if the WAS notices we might be GAL...make sense? Don't focus on HER or her reactions...turn that mirror around and look at yourself. I too think it's a good thing that thought crossed her mind even if it's a joke so STAY mysterious and let it simmer. Seriously. Note that our "victory" in these situations is not measured by how well or miserable our spouses are, but by how happy we are. It is the exclusive barometer of our success - as it is the only thing we control.
Oh, please read CS Lewis as he's considered one of the leading theologians of our time (died in the past 20 years I think) and was a former atheist. One time he and his good friend/fellow author, JR Tolkien sat up all night with Tolkien questioning how CS Lewis could not see the arguments FOR a God to exist. That talk lead to CS Lewis's tremendous change and his writing reflected it...The "Chronicles of Narnia" hit movie/book were for Children but had allegories galore about Christ and sin, etc. Lewis wrote that. AND SO MUCH MORE...he also wrote "A Grief Observed" about becoming a widower after only 4 years of marriage and "The Problem of Pain" and The Great Divorce--not about divorce from marriage but from God and was a great novel....so much to say about him but I think you get the point. CS LEWIS is a MUST read for anyone who wants to discuss these questions with non-believers' or those who have big doubts, (doubts and questioning are what Lewis argues is needed to truly hold onto a conviction --one must challenge it to know why one believes it...make sense?) And his children's books have morals in them but don't hammer you over the head with them. He's more subtle and deep.
Otherwise, I have to ponder your sitch and w some more. I guess your wife doesn't see the role of choice in any of this. How convenient for her....She thinks you "FALL" in and out of love and there's no free will? Has she prayed to "fall" in love with you again? Why not?
Fact is, sometimes I don't WANT to love my h, b/c he's grumpy or unloving to me. But you know, I suck it up and go on. Thank God he doesn't ask me at those moments, how I feel...nor do I act on those feelings in those moments....We have choice. Sometimes a "storm" of depression or anger or an ebb of love, passes overhead and you stand in the doorframe and wait for it to pass....likewise, we have emotions that wash over us and we have to cope better, rather than reacting to it, or we'd become victims to our latest hormonal fluctuation or dietary change or biochemical reaction....it's crazy to DECIDE things based on that...
Can you imagine the lives our children would lead if we moved every time we wanted a change of scenery, or bought a new car b/c we didn't feel like hammering out the dent we have in our present car, or learning how to change the oil..."Hey it's just easier to buy a WHOLE NEW CAR and start fresh" b/c guess what? A new car is shiny and smells nice and I miss that with my "old boring car"....so I guess I don't love my car anymore. Guess I MUST get a new one b/c if my present car were good for me or "Right for me", I would not FEEL bored by it or tempted by a Jaguar S, or a Mazarati either...is this analogy working?
More later....but you do have to work on better communications b/c you guys leave a whole lot unsaid. Still. And yes, you have to tread lightly so I would not bring it up yet but at some point, things have to be said. IF she revises marital history too much (we ALL do it some b/c we have diff perspectives...) then stand gently firm with "I'm sorry you think that b/c I don't recall it that way..." or say --if it applies--"Yes if I could do things over I'd do some differently but I changed that so it's not an issue anymore..." and leave it at that. That's to show her you "get it" as far as making a new m better BUT that you don't accept sole responsiblity for the choices she's making.
Tell me about the kids...your R with them and hers...I think I told you already how vital a good R is with the kids b/c NO woman is unmoved by it. IT's such a turn on actually. And it is one reason I wanted to stay M to my h b/c when the kids were younger and he wasn't such a workaholic (which he has changed now) he really was into being a dad. I loved him all the more for that. And it was a reason to work on the M more. As for her feelings of "whatever" for OM I almost wish she'd just get it out of her system b/c I get the impression that her fantasy of him is so off, that if she KNEW him, it'd be another story. Alas, too much to ask of you and I get that. Plus it's a risk- but so is any course of action you take.
[b]If you are emotionally alright for now, being with the kids as much as you are and you are not hurting yourself legally, I can see just staying the course. AND doing some reading!! j- [/b]
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
