OK, be careful with the wife asking YOU to do the work.
Often this is just to keep you busy. Its like a game of fetch... They throw the stick, you run, they scamper off to OM until you come back with the stick.
Also, if YOU find the counsellor and the counsellor doesn't meet HER satisfaction, she can easily blame you.
My wife claimed her affair was over too... I have RARELY if EVER seen a No Contact claim that was true the first time out of the gate. Often its just a frustrating cat and mouse game.
GOOD Family therapists can SPOT a liar... much like a good lawyer can tell when their clients are lying.
If you can get her to commit to a PROPER no contact arragement IN session with a therapist you will be doing well.
Ignore her complaints about you spying.
This is the thing, if you CATCH her doing something, she's going to rant about her privacy and call you a spy or some such... They think they have a RIGHT to secrets so they can cheat. They DON'T. If your spouse is going to ABUSE trust to CHEAT, then they FOREGO trust altogether. A cheater has no business accusing someone who caught them of snooping... it's laughably illogical.
Can you imagine a burgalar complaining to a home owner "Hey you called the cops on me!!! You are a bad person!"
seriously, pay it no mind.
She's going to try to GUILT you into backing off, and then she will try to threaten you, and intimidate you... alcoholics try this when you try to dry them out... IGNORE the tantrums.
When engaging your wife, ALWAYS remain calm... If YOU lose your temper, THEY will and it does NO ONE any good, your son in particular will be harmed.
If YOU can remain calm, and THEY lose it, they will quietly KNOW they are the problem... If You lose it too, then you are BOTH setting a bad example for each other, and your son.
You have every right to know if your home and family are being threatened... you SHOULD have a spouse that's supporting you and HELPING you... if SHE becomes the threat to your family, then SHE has chosen to be that and is subject to the same scruitiny any threat to the home would be under.
If she refuses to be part of the solution, she will be WATCHED like any other household problem... and watched VERY CLOSELY.
EXPOSURE is BEST done by someone ELSE instead of you, that way you won't get the brunt of the blame, but don't let that stop you. Expose to ANYONE who may influence her to WORK on her marriage and STOP cheating. If her parents will be on your side, then expose to them, if they will just turn their head away, don't bother.
Until your wife is ready to hand over all phone records, credit card receipts, and be available for a random call at ANY TIME of the day or night, she's cheating still...
Dr Phil McGraw has a saying I love :
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
If your spouse is being defensive, then ya, she's still in contact.
I would tell her that the OMW will be told, and that its NOT up for discussion.
Learn to just state your position to her and to WALK AWAY, do not try to negotiate with an addict, it will just escalate into an intimidation match and turn your home into a war zone. Learn to state the case, and LEAVE.
Do NOT be available at your wife's beck and call... that's enablement. I made a post to mb28 about that earlier, read that... I suspect you have been enabling your wife's affair for a very long time.. its time to cut that chord.
Your son should NOT be exposed to argument. Try to set an example to your son by NOT arguing with your wife, just state your position quietly and calmly, and EXIT. Don't let her bait you into a fight... its a LOSE LOSE game when you turn around to respond to any provocation from your wife.
I would spend a LOT of time with your son to help them through this... I would also suggest collecting as much intel on your wife's activities as you can... starting with her use of the PC.
Get a GOOD Family Therapist that can talk to your wife like Phil McGraw does... about how foolish affairs are... and how hurtful they are to everyone involved... hopefully a good Family Therapist can help talk some sense into yoru wife and support and encourage her to maintain NO CONTACT...
She must CHAGNGE her phone number, her email, and everything else.. any resistance on her part is a red flag.
