Husband in Crisis - what do I do?

[DestinyUnknown]

I am here everyone... I will continue my postings here.

I guess, especially after re-reading all of the advice and the recent "Do Not Do" list by E2, it is apparent that my approach is not working and has possibly added to my H feeling os frustration pushing him further into MLC.

I guess, I am just worried that he will deploy and I will be left with not KNOWING where we TRULY stand and if their is hope. Maybe this is not important. I just want him to NOT file.

I have to let him decide. This is just so frustrating because "they" are the ones who "betrayed" the marriage. Okay, I have vented for the evening.

My H plans to move back into our home on Sunday into a spare bedroom. Again, as I said on my "separated" thread, I try to will NOT be here when he arrives.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do to see if there is a chance to perserve my M - having to wait and bite my tongue when I have so much to say. I have to Detach from my own emotions while loving my H from a distance.

I think the advice I have received is great. I will only speak in basics for the next week or until he has something he would like to offer (I am normally the one who tries to engage conversation). Good morning.....good night....

Thoughts?

[Lostforwords]

I will be left with not KNOWING where we TRULY stand and if their is hope

MLC is more about acceptance than expectations...words like hope, want, expect, need should not be used other than in the context "I want out go for a jog today and expect to run 5 miles"....the rest has to go. You won't get the answer to your question.....that is why you focus on yourself.

How are you? Can you tell us about your past when you were stressed out from work? I am curious and want to help you understand.....so let's see how that time felt for you.

[Cadet]

I have been thinking about your sich, I will say that possibly your H deploying on 4/30/10 may work to your advantage. If you can stay dark, I know he is moving in the house, but I think if you can do this maybe he will not follow through with the D. Remember that he is depressed and that it may be difficult for him to carry out these plans. I see on your other thread that your DB session went well. Do you care to share any of their words of wisdom? Maybe we can all learn something.

[DestinyUnknown]

I am okay today, feeling pretty good.

I think my stress at work was more self-inflicted than anything. I always compromised myself when work asked me to work longer, travel more, and even my core values. I used to say "well, it is in the best interest of the company". Thinking that if I continued to remain completely and unselfishly loyal, then my future was "golden".

I soon discovered that I was being untrue to myself? I think the last straw was when a client, in a meeting, asked for my help with "adjusting" the reason for a major system failure. He indicated to me that my company's response, "did not help him" (hint hint) and affirmed by saying that there would be additional opportunities for the company if we (I) helped him out. He wanted me to change the response (basically lie).

My employer was always looking for a way to increase revenue. Doesn't seem like an issue and I support any business or person who pursues their dream to improve their financial status as long as it is done with integrity.

I told my then client that I would not do that. He was so upset and I just didn't care anymore because I refuse to compromise myself any longer.

I was working 16 hour days spending some nights at work. I still remember the many late late nights crunching numbers on my laptop in my living room and my H asking when I was coming to bed. I didn't sleep much, I didn't work out at all, I become more and more tired and began missing opportunities to have dinner out with my H and friends.

While this was happening with my job, I felt also pressured by a sister who was diagnosed with clinical depression - my Mother felt so guilty and began drifting into own depression, becoming a horder and consistent buyer of items on the Internet.

My baby sister (who had cerbal palsy) died in 2006, after living 26 years and being cared for by my mother, my two other sisters and myself. I always felt the pressure on having to take care of my entire family, because I was the oldest and was at least financial stable to support them.

My mother was diagnosed with brain tumor and had brain surgery in 2007. She kept this a secret for 5 years and it was my nephew who was with her when she had a severe seizure and she had to be rushed to the emergency room because she was non-responsive. It was then we discovered that she knew for years. My mother did come through the surgery and is fine today, but I was so worried because for months, she could not walk, dress, or fed herself.

My two sisters and I felt so guilty when we placed her in a temporary rehabilitation facility because we just could not do it without professional help for our Mother.

I discovered in 2008 that my one of sisters was sexually abused by a family friend as a child - now that explained a lot - her behavior over the years that is. It was doing this time that my H says he began to "question" our R.

I know several things:

1) I was under a tremendous amount of stress from work and family
2) I was dealing with my own history of abuse from my childhood
3) I was disappointed in myself for all of the weight I gained - I did not feel attractive
4) I lost confidence in myself
5) My marriage was slowly beginning to have problems that I did not know how to deal with

I don't say all of this to make excuses, but when I look back and since being in IC, I have more clarity about myself (not necessarily my R) and what was going on that contributed to my feelings of despair. I apologize for the long post, but It felt good to get that out. That you LFW for asking the question.

[courageous wife]

Wow DU-you have been through a lot and yes, it would have taken its toll on you and your marraige. I think we all have "something" in our past that has taken its toll! You hang in there cause you sound better than you did a few days ago so I know you can handle this too!

[DestinyUnknown]

OP, I told my DB Coach about my H moving back in and that I don't expect anything will change because he wants to continue to remain separated.

She said that I was looking at it all wrong, because it could be seen as an unique opportunity for both of us. Based on what I told her, she, as all of you have indicated, believes my H is definitely going through MLC. Through this process, many MLCers, because they are so unsure of themselves, will sometimes create situations that enable them to “test the waters”. In this case, my H may be “testing the waters” by returning home. He has been giving some mixed signals, but as she said, they will never admit fault with themselves. So projecting/deflecting is a major characteristic they display.

I know my H is a little more than concerned with being deployed and indicated to me that his deployment made our current situation more “complicated” than it was already. That, I believe was a real and true emotion he expressed to me. She continued to advise me that I just need to focus on me and HOW I react to my H. I know that my mood and actions are sometimes dictated by what my H says or does. I should continue to validate (not necessarily agree), but make him feel comfortable in a non-threatening way. This means that I should also watch my body language and facial expressions. She asked me to perform the following exercise before he moves back in.

The 4 Columns

1) Divide a sheet into 4 columns
2) In column #1, write down situations that arise b/t my H and I that ignites frustration, despair, anger, or disappointment. Or most commonly known as “What pushes your Spouses’ button(s)?”
3) In column #2, write down what I would normally say or do in that situation.
4) In column #3, write down what I am going to do different (new behavior - include non-verbal communication)
5) In column #4, write down my H’s expected responses to new behavior

Since I do tend to ask many questions, she encouraged me that before I ask a question, that I first ask myself what is the purpose for what I am about to ask. If it is to get a “rise” out of him or if I think he will react badly, then DO NOT ASK.
The advice from everyone has been great. I still get sad sometimes because I feel as though it is hopeless. But I know…I can do this..

[DestinyUnknown]

All -

I have been watching "Couples Retreat" this evening. It is a comedy, but there are some moments of enlightenment, specifically about relationships. Check it out. Not a great movie, but provides some humor.

[Lostforwords]

DU-

That is a lot...a whole lot. I don't see any excuses there....just truths about how things were going. Now I am asking you to understand...not sympathize....just understand....put your mental state of 2008 in your head....I am sure it hurt....Now I apply that to your husband. Try his current shoes on....Does that open a window for you?

[job]

DU,
I saw Couples Retreat and yes, it does provide some enlightenment into how couples interact. However, when it comes to a MLCer, all of the normal avenues for communication tend to be tossed out of the window. The thought processes for a MLCer are all based on emotions, authority figures and rebelling. They feel "entitled", they feel that they have done everything for everyone else and now it is their turn to get what they want no matter who they hurt to get it.

Even though you do not see the hurt/pain that he is experiencing, it is there. The bruises, bumps, scratches are on within. No one knows what these folks went through as children and even though they may have talked a little about their childhoods, as adults, we may have listened and then let it go because it was so long ago. The pain that we all have experienced when they flipped is something that we, as rational human beings, are experiencing each and every day, i.e., we are walking through the fires of hellish pain, and we will get to the other side and learn from those days of pain.
Unfortunately, our spouses have attempted every avenue to self-medicate in order to avoid the pain. Trust me, the pain is just as bad for them, if not worse, than what we experienced. Bottom line, they cannot run or hide from that pain, for it will catch up w/them at some point.

If your h does move back home, you will need to treat him as you would a roommate or a friend, expectations will need to remain at zero and questions should be about the house, children, finances, etc. Do not expect him to tell you where he is going, how long he'll be out or an apology. He's still trying to work through his issues. If he wants to talk, listen, do not offer up any advice on how to fix him. He needs to learn how to do that himself. Keep yourself busy, continue being the best lady that you can and are and do not take anything he says or does to heart. There are going to be times when he's acting out...just remember...this is about him, not you.

[DestinyUnknown]

I don't want to so this anymore......can't turn my mind off.. H HATES me...I am going to sleep....I can't reach anyone, my Mother thinks I am crazy and asting like a little girl....I am in pain and I just want it to stop.