Vacillating husband

[Vulcanized]

RNM, it sounds like he's still trying to invade your privacy, and that when he thinks you're doing that, he's projecting.

I think you may be right w/that! I've been doing my damnedest to not snoop/spy, etc. Other than the occasional phone bill check, have been more successful than not. I'm sure any tangible 'evidence' [cards, gifts, letters, etc] would be in his office and I do not go in there.

Remember to leave the room every time he talks about the R. You are letting him scream at him about R stuff when you need to be showing him the self-respect that you have by promptly leaving.

I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of this.

If the topic comes up about salvaging/rebuilding, say something like "it's too late for that, our M is over and the only way we could be married is if you broke all contact with OW and we started back from zero and it doesn't look like you want to do that". That gets around the guilt/A being dealbreaker isssue.

If that were to happen, it won't be any time soon. Think he needs / wants to sink further into A w/OW b4 anything like that happens. Have told him that M is over. Didn't get into the specifics of 'this' M. Stopped mentioning / alluding to future M either.

If he's hesitating about the D, it may be more based on finances than wanting to reconcile. You are looking for him breaking things off with OW at this point.

Unsure about the money. Assume offer of $$$ is guilt-based. Haven't said a word about H footing the entire bill for D. Will when/if he files. If H wants to continue on w/D, it's going to cost him. Not to be vindictive, but just practical, want the $$$ I put into house, which he lives in. I paid 1/2 mortgage for last 4 years and it's fair that if H is keeping house, he should buy me out.

I don't see him ending A anytime soon. If it isn't a PA, I'm sure [guessing] it will be in the near future. Or I can't imagine how it wouldn't become so. I'll be 'out of the way'. H. has already projected me cheating many, many times over the last 6 months.

Good luck and hang in there. It sounds like you're confident taking the WAW stance, and I think your confidence will help you a lot as you are DBing. Just remember the 180s...if you are doing stuff that he's complained about in the past, then you're not doing the 180s that make him think that you've changed.

My biggest one is actually talking about problems instead of dodging /ignoring / hoping them away. Other big one is controlling [for the most part] hot-headedness.

Thank you for your input, flowmom. It gets frustrating not getting much response. RL friends aren't much talked with or to about this, so this board is my biggest means of support.

I really appreciate you're taking the time to respond. I'm following your thread and rooting for you.