Husband in Crisis - what do I do?

[DestinyUnknown]

OP, I told my DB Coach about my H moving back in and that I don't expect anything will change because he wants to continue to remain separated.

She said that I was looking at it all wrong, because it could be seen as an unique opportunity for both of us. Based on what I told her, she, as all of you have indicated, believes my H is definitely going through MLC. Through this process, many MLCers, because they are so unsure of themselves, will sometimes create situations that enable them to “test the waters”. In this case, my H may be “testing the waters” by returning home. He has been giving some mixed signals, but as she said, they will never admit fault with themselves. So projecting/deflecting is a major characteristic they display.

I know my H is a little more than concerned with being deployed and indicated to me that his deployment made our current situation more “complicated” than it was already. That, I believe was a real and true emotion he expressed to me. She continued to advise me that I just need to focus on me and HOW I react to my H. I know that my mood and actions are sometimes dictated by what my H says or does. I should continue to validate (not necessarily agree), but make him feel comfortable in a non-threatening way. This means that I should also watch my body language and facial expressions. She asked me to perform the following exercise before he moves back in.

The 4 Columns

1) Divide a sheet into 4 columns
2) In column #1, write down situations that arise b/t my H and I that ignites frustration, despair, anger, or disappointment. Or most commonly known as “What pushes your Spouses’ button(s)?”
3) In column #2, write down what I would normally say or do in that situation.
4) In column #3, write down what I am going to do different (new behavior - include non-verbal communication)
5) In column #4, write down my H’s expected responses to new behavior

Since I do tend to ask many questions, she encouraged me that before I ask a question, that I first ask myself what is the purpose for what I am about to ask. If it is to get a “rise” out of him or if I think he will react badly, then DO NOT ASK.
The advice from everyone has been great. I still get sad sometimes because I feel as though it is hopeless. But I know…I can do this..