how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

thanks for posting that, pearl. i have indeed read and reread DR and am familiar with the steps Michele listed in that chapter. i'm trying to incorporate all those steps with things i've noticed that have gotten positive responses or that have been working for me. i believe someone posted much earlier on my thread that since every situation and person is different that all the advice received here, and even in the DR, should be tailored to fit your specific situation. i know my H would not respond in a positive way to all the things on that list, so i'm doing what works for me and when something doesn't work and i get negative feedback, i stop doing it. i definitely feel like i'm in a holding pattern right now. i think my H is interested in working on our marriage but feels he has a lot of work to do on himself before he can dedicate himself to us. so i'm just testing the waters from time to time.

i am responsive in a cautious way. if he reaches out to me to vent during the work day, i respond by saying i'm sorry about the situation and try to validate what he's feeling. i know i don't have detachment down just yet, but i'm trying. DB-ing is like yoga or running, you have to keep at your practice and sometimes you skip a few days and it gets harder to get back into it.

i write in my journal. i do not cry in front of my H. i am not 100% or 80% or even 60% sure that my H is interested in saving our marriage. i am willing to wait things out and work on improving myself in the mean time, and i'm actually in a good (most of the time) place right now.

although i do think the DR book is great and incredible insightful, not all of the steps or all of the "rules" apply to everyone's situation. the best i can do is be patient, wait and watch to see what he responds to, and continue on my path to self-improvement. already i can say i like myself SO MUCH BETTER. i am proud of the way i've handled things. i've been patient and calm and understanding at a time where i wanted to be angry and vengeful and outraged. i've had to reach deep within myself to find the strength to overcome those feelings that i knew would get me nowhere. i'm not saying i don't have my bad days, or that i don't backslide, or cry into my pillow some nights. i'm willing to do the work, because while i may not be seeing the immediate results i want to see with my M, i'm seeing immediate results in myself that i'm very happy about.

[CityGirl]

OTMT... perhaps you will consider that PH *did* save her R, has been able to accomplish something that you have not yet been able to (piecing back a R), has a full year more than you posting on this site and a much higher post volume. That doesn't make one poster "better" but experience is our best teacher. It seems PH has some experience we ALL can draw on, right?

You said yourself you have control and anger issues. It is very good you recognize that and have plans to address both the control and anger. Maybe how you interact with the other posters would be a good place to start.

Nobody is trying to attack you. As I said... this isn't about "more right" it's about experience.

[trytryagain]

it's moving day...i'm looking forward to being in a new space, one that doesn't remind me so much of sitting around in "our" apartment with "our" things, but at the same time, anxious.

had a really nice dinner "date" with my H last night. he came to pick me up and we really didn't talk about our R all night, which was nice. just talked about his new job, my job, our families, other things we had going on...for a minute i almost forgot we were separated! so that felt good that we could do that and be comfortable and laugh and joke with each other. i met up with a girlfriend at a bar after we had dinner and he dropped me off there. it was hard to get out of the car, i was having such a nice time with him i could have stayed all night. he did kiss me goodbye, which also felt good. i'm glad i met up with my friend because i ended up having a really good time, met some nice new people...

i think in a few of the previous comments that OTM was trying to point out that TLR method may not be right for me because my H isn't saying the D word right now. we are physically separated, but we are in contact pretty much every day (he is calling, texting, emailing), there is no other person for either of us, my H is seeking IC, i'm talking to a coach...so, like i said in my earlier post, i'm taking some of TLR methods that i feel apply in my situation and others i'm not using because i don't think they would be helpful or my H has not responded well to them.

i'm also working very hard to better understand the ADHD mind, because my H's brain is just wired in a totally different way than mine is and that means i also have to be somewhat cautious about the methods i use in moving forward - he may interpret something i say or do in a totally different way than i had intended and it could set me back or inflict negative emotions on him.

but. you guys are all helping me so much, i find myself thinking about the advice i've gotten here while i'm interacting with my H. last night at dinner i sat across the table from him and though, you know, i'm really enjoying this and it's so great to be here with him, but i would be ok if i had to live without this, too.

off to pack!

[Rhody5]

awesome news!!! Congratulations on the new apartment, incredible upcoming trip, and hopeful progressions.. Keep doing what you're doing.. An inspiration to us all.

[Onthemountaintop]

last night at dinner i sat across the table from him and though, you know, i'm really enjoying this and it's so great to be here with him, but i would be ok if i had to live without this, too.

That's a great way to look at it!

[trytryagain]

had a long but busy weekend. went through the full range of human emotions on saturday, while my dad, sister and cousin were helping me move the things that my H SHOULD have been helping me move. i was angry, i was hurt, i was sad, i was excited about my new space...i'd had a nice dinner with my H the night before and we had a hard time parting ways, but it was at least nice to enjoy his company and not talk about the R for once. i got myself mostly settled in to the new place saturday and saw my H again on sunday, we were both in the old place - him painting me getting the last few things out.

we ended up sitting on the floor of our empty bedroom together, facing the wall we'd painted a little over a year ago when we'd moved in. there were a lot of tears and he said a lot of things about how confused he was and sorry he was...obviously i know not to take it all to heart or to believe all of it, but he does seem to at least acknowledge his mistakes and isn't giving me the "i don't see us together in ten years" talk anymore. he owned up to a lot of things. i collected my last few things and left him alone in the apartment to paint.

finally got my last few things unpacked last night in the new place and am really liking the space. it doesn't feel like home at all, but i didn't really expect it to. we did talk again on the phone last night, again just talking and nothing heavy about the R. it's nice to have conversations with him that aren't related to our M again.

have plenty to keep me busy this week with a major event at work but he did ask to see me later in the week. i also told my family i'd have them over for dinner and plan to see an exhibit with girlfriends on friday, plus some yoga classes here and there. had to fill out an application to extend my lease and had a really hard time checking the "separated" box next to marital status. who knew they even had one of those?? that was a bit of a bummer...

but i'm still standing. getting ready for my service trip in 2 weeks and just taking it one day at a time.

nothing filed yet, either. not sure how to feel about that, but i'm not going to ask about it.

[Onthemountaintop]

helping me move the things that my H SHOULD have been helping me move.

Didn't you say that you didn't want to ask him? If you're just venting, I understand. You might want to deal with this issue with your IC just to make sure it doesn't creep back up during a text message or something.

I hadn't even thought of it, but if he did come to help, I wonder what it would be like if you had to watch him carrying around great (and not so great) memories. He offered if I remember correctly, so that is good~

does seem to at least acknowledge his mistakes and isn't giving me the "i don't see us together in ten years" talk anymore.

Hold on to that!

it doesn't feel like home at all, but i didn't really expect it to.

One thing I noticed as W and I go through these tough, emotional times is that home is so much more than walls. It must be hard to know you're leaving a home, but not knowing if the new walls, his new walls, or something else will become a warm home to relax in. Whatever comes though, it sounds like you are trying hard to be ready for it. Have you decided to do your best in your new place to make that a home, or just shelter?

had to fill out an application to extend my lease and had a really hard time checking the "separated" box next to marital status.

They should have a box saying, "improving my M, one day at a time"

nothing filed yet, either. not sure how to feel about that, but i'm not going to ask about it.

Unless you wanted it, feel great about it. It means that he isn't where he was when you did your post signature. Maybe it should say something like, "we are now owning up to a lot of things and making hope, but not yet guarantees"

I hope you get a chance to do that skating thing before the ice melts! It sounded like fun~

[hhh]

Dear TTA,
I just wanted to say what a fantastic job I think you are doing throughout this process, and good words of advice you have gotten from Pearl and others! I was thinking of you this weekend as I was also packing up things for my move...got a little teary a few times and then empowered doing this on my own at others. It's not easy, and you are farther along in this process than I was at the time, so close to the separation.

It's fantastic that you have these things to look forward to, and also a good sign that H is going to IC and dealing w his issues. It doesn't seem like he's in a place to be a full H now to you anyways, so best he deal w his own issues too, regardless of the outcome.

I'll be thinking of you a lot in the days/weeks ahead, as I'm about to move out of my place too and completely start over..and nothing filed with me yet either. Daunting, but I'm trying to look at it as liberating as I can. We are ultimately in charge of our own happiness, and even though I know you experience setbacks here and there, you have a good attitude.

Wishing you a good week and much strength! I too have been going to church a lot more across these past few months which has been a huge source of comfort. I feel someone/thing is looking out for me, and for you and all of us here too!
-hhh

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM and HHH. your responses were both very helpful! OTM, my H didn't offer to help me move, he offered to paint the apartment back to white after i moved out. and it's not that i WANTED him there to help and he turned me down, i was more upset that i should have been moving to a new place with my H, you know? and here was my family, including my 62 year old father, hauling my things around, because of a decision HE made about our M. that's what i really meant by that comment.

also loved the comment on the "improving my M day by day" box for marital status. they really DO need to add that one!

HHH i also think it's great my H is seeking help from an IC. he recognizes his pattern of behavior and yesterday said he didn't want to end up like other male members of his family - who have all at some point or another left their wives (although they all returned!), or have ended up skipping from one relationship to the next. i do have hope that regardless of what happens with us that my H will FINALLY understand what true partnership is about and that there's really no half-as$ing anything when it comes to marriage. but like you said, i'm glad he's dealing with his issues.

thanks for sharing your words of encouragement, HHH! i'll be thinking of you in church this weekend with your upcoming move!

and OTM, i know what you mean about the house/home concept. from the moment my H moved out (and even before that when he was sleeping on our neighbor's couch), that apartment stopped being my home and started just being a house. i am working to make my new space feel like a place i could call home, but...it's just not the same without his presence there. i guess i need to throw myself a housewarming party.

[trytryagain]

ps OTM, thanks for the signature block suggestion. it was too long to fit.