Hi Allen A. You might remember responding to my earlier posts about exposing my wifes affair. And no I have not done it yet. I have been trying to understand why I am so afraid to tell the OP's wife.
Yes I do recall. I am pleased to see you are calling it EXPOSING now instead of "telling".. telling sounds rather jeuvenile. I don't consider exposing an affair to be childish, I actually consider the affair to be childish.
Is reporting a burglar in your home "telling?" Somehow I don't think if your material property were being threatened in your home you would be calling it "telling"... why is a marriage of any less value? Its not, and exposing a threat to your marriage is as important as reporting a break and enter to your property...
There are a variety of reasons to hold you back. You are fearful your sopuse will leave. You are fearful of your spouse's upset. You are experiencing anxiety already and do NOT want MORE drama in your home than already present. These are all understandable reasons why one might hesitate exposing an affair.
NONE of these are good reason to remain silent - silence will NOT improve the situation. Exposing the affair MAY improve it. There are no guarantees. Your spouse may leave outright, spend six months with their affair partner and then come crawling back - this happens often. The exposure in SHORT time will create stress, and I reccomend a safety zone to protect you from this. The exposure in the LONG term does offer hope of an end to the affair... silence offers nothing but more of the same.
Dr Phil points out less than 1 in 100 affairs last long term.. which means exposure WILL very likley END the affair.... WHEN is unknown.. some exposure will end things immediately, some forces the spouse to choose to stay and end their promiscuity or to leave in rage that their spouse "betrayed" their secret to the world.
Affairs have proven historically to be SHORT TERM relationships once exposed to the light of day. They CAN last YEARS in secrecy... Secrecy and lies fuel affairs.. truth and reality kill them... some slowly, some quickly.
Originally Posted By: blackskys
Some info you have posted both from Dr.Phil and most helpful,"From Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, Ph.D. � 2003 published by Free Press pp. 77-79)"
Glass is probably the most well known and highly regarded authority of infidelity in North America... she spent over twenty years researching her book... she knows affairs inside and out.
Penny Tuppy is good too, Glass is more well known.
Originally Posted By: blackskys
I have reached the point where I almost whish at times she would just leave. My willingness to forgive has greatly diminished.
That's the emotional effect of the affair. Glass points out that abaondoned spouses of affairs have an emotional experience similar to that of victim's of violent crimes - why infidelity is NOT a crime in north America I have no idea - so you will be all over the place...
Over time infidelity will cause anxiety and depression... your overwhelming sense of powerlessness will consume you... so yes you will some days feel like her leaving would feel better.
This is normal. I reccomend victims of infidelity finding a safety zone from the affair where they are no longer exposed to it if they can do this.
Originally Posted By: blackskys
I do know that seeing two seperate IC's who were adament about not exposing the affair has had me second guessing my gut reaction.....
Michele Davis has been quite outspoken about the BAD therapy available on the market today. MOST individual therapists have NO actual researched knowdlege of infidelity. They may have handled the odd case themselves, but most individual counselors are NOT well read on the subject... Their advice is going to be out of date and uesless, if not outright destructive.
If your wife were an addictive gambler would you take her to an IC who hadn't read anything on the topic? A degree in psychology does NOT make one an authority on affair-busting. It is a delicate and specific field of family therapy - specialization is almost necessary.
Originally Posted By: blackskys
I also have read some of your posts on unqualified IC's. Thanks again
Michele Davis has warned in her books about bad therapy, I am just passing on her message... do NOT TRUST a counsellor's degree...
Query them on Infidelity experts whom they may have read...
ask them outright...
Are there any infidelity books written by infidelity experts you would reccomend? If you hit them with this IN SESSION they likley won't be able to NAME ANY. There ARE experts out there, I don't expect you to get face time with them, but I do reccomend anyone with infidelity in their home educate themselves and find a therapist open to education on the subject as well. A GOOD therapist is NOT a know it all, but a LEARN it all.
