Thanks, all. I was really shaken up by his "I can't be there." Really, the selfishness of bringing all this drama to a nice woman who is doing her best to direct a show for the first time.
I will have to be the better person with this. Be flexible, be calm, if I am needed to leave so X can do his lighting work, fine. I will graciously go so the director can have him do the work necessary.
But I also have to fill my responsibilities to the show, and that doesn't always mean I conveniently disappear when the lighting guy shows up. Sheesh...
Met with the realtor today to look at 2 houses. One was in a neighborhood where I already have friends, but the painful thing is that it belongs to a friend from rescue who's marriage fell apart.
Both houses were terrible. Well, the friend's house was OK, but, well, I won't whine here about my taste and styles and such...the second house was definitely a dump.
I bawled and cried all the way to work. Felt like this part of the journey--packing up and moving into someone else's home and house-by myself--no loving partner to make it a home with--is the hardest part yet. Just the hardest.
Made me more determined to fight for the house. Made me re-evaluate one housing option, which is build new in the other little town which is almost as cute as my town. The advantage would be having the house the way I want it--no tearing up wall to wall carpeting, etc. And it doesn't mean I couldn't one day move back to my town when a housing op came up.
If I don't move to Alaska and learn to live off the land.
Avermont, I don't understand why you can't keep your house?? How do you KNOW H will fight you for it? Call his bluff! Maybe he thinks you will just back down when faced with his "big guns". You have as much right to it as he does - right?
Seems like something else isn't in the cards for you emotionally. I've had a blast making "our" house MY house and renovating. I've paid for a little help here and there but I've learned to do most of it on my own. The Home Depot has classes, books and people to instruct. YOU CAN DO THIS if you want to.
Don't let him bully you - if you want to stay - FIGHT for your home. I can't tell you how much its helped my PMA to not have lose my home of 7 years along with everything else.
Now that I've (almost ) finished fixing things it dosen't feel like H is "missing" at all
Fire back at H and see what happens. He may back down if he thinks you are going to fight - he's already backed down when given the opportunity to go toe to toe with you at the community theatre..... HE CLEARLY DOSEN'T HAVE THE BALLS!!!!
(((AVER)))
Hang in there....this really really sucks...
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
No, he won't back down, at least not easily. Truth be told, 99% of the work and improvements on the house were his initiative. I helped out all along the way, but it was his vision that we did together. So, he will fight long and hard.
And the damn timberframe woodshop we built--specifically to house his father's tools, and give X a place to woodwork. That damn thing is his main love and desire for the house. And it was built by a friend whom I first found and fostered the friendship--grrrr...And the friend is still mine, of course. X really has no friends left--but I don't know if he knows that yet.
I will fight,too. It is really a matter of who feels like enough $ has been poured into the battle first, and calls it quits. On the advice of my lawyer, I am trying to "put a dollar value on my desires, as that will drive my strategy."
It is a horrible horrible feeling to be forced to think: well, for 80K I can walk away....or whatever the blood money price becomes. As if there is a dollar amount that can be put on the incredible pain I have gone through.
I guess you could add up: therapy; kleenex; new clothes for lost weight (which is a good thing!) vodka; extra miles driven to find new friends and new activities.
The only fixing up I did was paint the kitchen. Remodeling the kitchen and bath was the next big project. But really, the paint job on it's own makes putting off any remodeling for the next decade quite bearable.
Anyhow, I am trying to cover all bases: meeting with lawyer to plan strategy meeting with financial advisor to see where I stand money wise getting pre-approved to re-fi this house, or buy another looking at other houses, as much as that hurts working with friends and counselors to learn to accept moving out if it comes to that
Interesting take, Talia, on lack of ballage--if X couldn't meet me at the theatre... what else does he lack the cojones to do?
This is so so awful. Well, with all of you, I will get through this, too.
I was thinking Cutterbug and I should move over to Surviving the big D...what do you say, CB?
aver, sounds like you're covering all the bases. In order to seriously consider buying a new home, you'll probably have to visit a lot in order to desensitize yourself to the idea. No home is going to compare to your current one unless you make it your own, and that would take time and effort.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Aver, Just remember - you can start out fighting and abandon ship later if you don't want to fight anymore. I bet H won't fight as much as you think - I've walked this road - its not nearly as bad as you think.... I'm not saying its easy.
HE LEFT. HE'S HAD AN AFFAIR. I KNOW the courts aren't SUPPOSED to consider that stuff but lets be honest... it factors in. You have advantages that are more subjective in this process. I think your lawyer is trying to get the easiest case workload for herself but still collect her fee.... she represents you! I'm sure she's a great lawyer but you make sure she does what is best for you based on what YOU want.
Keep in mind - you jointly own the house. It doesn't matter WHO did the repairs or WHO built what. He abandoned the house - have you been making the payments? or the part the renters don't cover?
I think you are over estimating H and under estimating yourself. I don't know how one "grows" their self esteem - but I think that could help you. YOU CAN stand up to him. If you DON'T want to move then STAY - I think he will slink away a little easier than you think....
Parting ways sucks and someone always loses. Given his behavior - it should be him. If you keep the house and decide that you want to move away later YOU get to sell it and benefit from that investment.
He's backed down - use this to your advantage. Come out swinging right now while he's "vulnerable" - he doesn't have the balls!!!!
You can do this!!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
I'm trying to do a Puppy Dog and "plan for the worst."
Worst: he moves into one of the apts. with new sweetie.
Worst: I spend all my $ on court, and lose.
Really unfortunately, I think under VT law, not being married, my L is giving me the cold-hearted truth: the assessors will look at who most "earns" the house, and the jilted woman argument won't really come into it. Funny way to regret not having married the guy (in addition to all my other regrets about not marrying him) If this was a D, you betcha the affair and my suffering would count.
You are right on the desensitization part. Keep looking at crap, and pretty soon some crap looks good.
One option: a total wreck just a neighborhood over. 50K. I bet I can buy it for cash for 40K and do a tear-down. My friend the timber framer who built the beautiful workshop which will be the MAIN fight/reason for X to have the house (oh, the irony!) immediately got excited about building me a lovely little tiny energy efficient timber frame. He laid out a whole timeline that would have me in the house by November.
As it would be NEW, and designed by ME, I wouldn't have to put up with the wall to wall and the vinyl. I'm going to look at it on Thursday.
Oh, but more irony: to get permitting to tear down, check on set-backs, see if the garage in back can be turned into a mother in law apt--have to go before the Design Review Board. GUESS WHO IS PRESIDENT of that little town political group? None other than dear old X. hahahhahah. Anyhow, he would of course have to recuse himself from any debate over that. But not fun, anyhow.
Next post: facing the beast at town meeting. Meaning: go to town meeting with a posse and face X and OW. As my therapist said: choose the time and place.
I do NOT know much about your sitch, but Good Lord, it sounds messy!!!'
Having said that, I vote for the tear down, and new digs!!! When else can you build new w/out the stress of dealing w/someone else on making design/decorating decisions?!?!? It's all you, g/f!!!
And, I think you should put in a bidet, just because you can...
Did you get a chance to backtrack to my thread for the Podrunners Intervals? If not, here they are...
Also, once I get this mastered, I'm coming to you for advice on weight training. That's next. Last time I weight trained I tore my bicep, and ended up w/surgery... (But, I played D1 tennis for years, w/a too low ball toss that aggravated it first.)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
) finished fixing things it dosen't feel like H is "missing" at all 
