A cheated cheater 2

[undefeated]

Thanks WhatNow. The MOMS group seems great. They aren't always completely inclusive yet, like they forget I'm there because I'm new sometimes. But I think it will be fun once I become more integrated.

I wasn't really saying "what if" as though it is a question troubling me. It's more...ugh I can't find the right words! It was more an examination of the fact that some part of me is not torn to shreds by his A and the possibility that he will leave us. I guess it was more of a "so what?" feeling.


I've written the letter for him to read while I'm gone on my four day trip. I will type it all up tomorrow morning. Would you please stop by my thread tomorrow and read it? I do value your input, and that goes for all of you here. I know it will need some tweaking, but at least I got my thoughts on paper. He comes home from his school on Monday afternoon, so I sort of want it sealed in an envelope by then to leave for him next Saturday when I leave.

I am willing to take the beating now for writing a letter instead of sitting down with him and talking this same stuff through. But at least in a letter he can't interrupt me, my thoughts don't wander, and if he does ignore me I don't have to be hurt seeing that fact written on his face.

[newmama]

A letter is a start...you are bound to have a face to face conversation when he returns and at this point you could only have phone conversation, right? Well Iguess you could have skype...

[Lotus]

Undefeated,

You are young, and your children are very young. For years while I debated what to do about the marriage I was not very happy about, I read the Dear Abby column in the newspaper. The advice that Ann Landers gave was always consistent. Decide if you are better off with him or without him, and let that be your decision. I fear that if you give him an ultimatum at this time, he will use it to hasten a divorce. But I don't think a divorce is what you want. So, my advice, which I know goes against the hard line a lot of people on this site give, is to not say it unless you think you can support yourself and 3 kids. It sounds like your H is not mean to you, he just has OW on the side and she is far away, and he has few opportunities to see her. You are sitting in his home with his 3 children. So you have the stronger position, but not his love. But love has a habit of coming and going. Read DR again. I doubt you will find ultimatum giving in the book.

[newmama]

So, my advice, which I know goes against the hard line a lot of people on this site give, is to not say it unless you think you can support yourself and 3 kids.

I wanted to see what was in your letter....so I didn't know if you were going to ask for an ultimatum or not, or just explain what you know and what you want. But I totally agree with Lotus--do not say D or push it unless you want it!

It sounds like your H is not mean to you, he just has OW on the side and she is far away, and he has few opportunities to see her. You are sitting in his home with his 3 children. So you have the stronger position, but not his love.

This makes sense....luckily in your case, he is not living with OW. And without having R talk, you can just keep up your 180s.

But love has a habit of coming and going. Read DR again. I doubt you will find ultimatum giving in the book.

Thank you, Lotus, for reminding all of us that love comes and goes. But is there anything that undefeated can do to bring that love back to her H or is he pretty much the one who decides, kwim?

[undefeated]

OK, this is what I wrote last night. I just transcribed it directly, but I can tell it needs some work.

My dear (H's name)

Do you remember that old 70’s song by Edward Bear? “This is the last song I’ll ever write for you. This is the last time that I tell you just how much I really care.” Well similarly this is the last letter I will write, at least until you want them and are my husband again.

You are a good man, one of the best I have ever known. And you are definitely the only one I want in my heart and bed. But you are not my husband. You told me that this is the way you want it, and I’m learning to accept the fact that you feel this way. I can disagree with the viewpoint, and I sure as hell don’t like it. But the fact that it isn’t what I want doesn’t make it any less valid. And I don’t mean that I expect or wish you were still exactly the same as you were the day we married. Not only would that be unrealistic and naïve, it would be utterly untrue. We grow, we change, and sometimes things go wrong between people.

And boy did they go wrong. I had no idea that I would get sick at all. And then it happened so quickly and it was so severe. This illness has cost me a lot. But I have paid for my multitude of failures in many ways and for nearly three years. I will continue to show you every day that we are married that I am no longer that volatile person. But I will not wallow in regret or hang my head in shame any longer. I do regret the hurt I have caused, but it will not control each moment of my life anymore.

I lost a great deal more than your respect and my own, as well as your love to the monster of bipolar disorder. I lost my identity. Once, about six years ago, I was more than your wife, the boys’ mother, my parents’ daughter, your parents’ worst nightmare. I was me. I had hopes, dreams, goals, interests of my own.

And that above all else is why I am glad I finally had the strength to seek treatment. I won’t say that is why I went for counseling. I didn’t know my identity was lost and needed finding; I didn’t know our marriage was falling apart and needed fixing. But I know now. And I am reclaiming myself. I will always take care of my sons and my husband. But I am so much more than a housekeeper and cook and nanny and personal assistant. I’m going out and finding things I love doing, with and without the boys.

And with you eventually, I hope. I thought for awhile that we have nothing in common. And it’s true that many of our interests do not overlap. But the always/never viewpoint is pretty silly. We like to play Magic cards; we like movies; we enjoy playing scrabble. I don’t know about you, but I still love a good game of chess. And I had forgotten how much I enjoy getting out, hiking, seeing interesting sights. Best friends enjoy each other; they don’t need to be clones.

And you are still my best friend. But not my husband. I will not share you with (OW's name) or any other woman. I will not have an open marriage. I know that must sound utterly bizarre coming from me. I was the one who opened this whole can of worms in the first place. But things change. People change. I didn’t always understand how my choices repeatedly tore bigger and bigger holes in our marriage and in you. But I can see now. And I am doing everything in my power to repair what I have damaged and inflict no more harm. But regardless of my past wrongdoing I will not accept another woman claiming what she has no right to. You are my husband until you are not, and this affair is not something I will just shrug off.

My karma has kicked my ass. So rarely is the cosmic retribution exactly the same, but there you have it. The powers that be have a twisted sense of humor. I have paid my debt. I now know the shattering pain of betrayal by the one you love. I am surprised you were capable of inflicting such pain once you experienced it. Don’t think I am assuming we are “even” now. Hell, I don’t even know how you keep score. But I do feel we can go forward understanding each other better.

I don’t want the marriage we had, not even the day we got married. We were very happy. In fact I think it’s the only time I’ve ever seen you happy in a picture with me. But we were also incredibly naïve. I want to build a new, strong, adult marriage with you. To that end I am asking you to go to marriage counseling with me. You told me in November that our marriage is over. But I think such a permanent decision deserves honest evaluation of why it should end, what that does to each of us and our sons. I am willing to do everything in my power to do what is best for them and for myself.

I am your wife, and that is an all-or-nothing position. You can’t have us both,. I hope you will agree to counseling with me – maybe with a chaplain. It would be a start at recovering what we’ve lost. But this can’t go very far until she is out of the equation. All contact with her has to stop. You need to tell her she is not a part of this marriage and not to contact you anymore. Then no more e-mails, texts, calls, IM’s, or anything else. We both know you are capable of hiding anything from me electronically, so I will have to trust you if you say you have stopped. It’s obvious that we don’t trust each other and even more obvious why. I want to rebuild that with you one day at a time.

Once, early in our marriage I was upset, thinking you must have made a mistake and that you could have done better than me. I have sometimes thought so in other instances as well, even when I appeared happy or confident. At that time, though, you laid out all these pictures of women – some very beautiful, some we had known most of our lives, some who were hand-picked as suitable marriage choices. But you told me that none of them mattered; you didn’t want them. You wanted me. I wish I could do that same thing for you. I would lay out a picture of every man I ever knew, every man I ever lusted after, everyone I betrayed you with, every man I have never even met yet. And then I would set fire to every single one and never think of them again. Because you are my husband. You are the man I want.

This is no love letter; I wish it were. I used to enjoy writing down all my thoughts about and for you believing you enjoyed reading them. But this is no romance novel and the hero and heroine don’t magically live happily ever after.
I haven’t said I love you in months. It’s not worth saying form my heart what you don’t want to hear and don’t reciprocate. I refrain from touching or kissing you since you are at best uninterested and more likely repulsed. The exception, of course, being those times we have sex.

So, as one more “last,” this is my last I love you until you are my husband again.

Your Wife


*****

Like I said, I can see now that I can't go with this, but I am going to save it. Stick it in my journal for days when I'm a little less certain of myself.

[undefeated]

And now, Lotus, after reading your advice I'm not sure I should say anything at all. But it seems...wrong to just sit here day in and day out, living with him and pretending we have a happy family when he has a wh*** in another state. And I know I have the advantage since I'm here. But I don't want to see her face on his FB page, or her postings there, or her phone number on my phone bill every day. He shouldn't be allowed to just do as he pleases while I raise our sons and keep the house.

And no, I don't want a D. But I want something to change. I hate living in this holding pattern. And he is going to know I contacted her - she e-mailed him our conversation. I laughed when I saw it. Obviously if I wanted to, I could just delete it before he ever sees it. But I won't. Let them both know that reality doesn't go away and neither do I just because they want us to.

[Lotus]

Undefeated,

First of all, the letter is way too long. I read about half and got tired. I'll read more of it later. From what I've read so far the letter is good FOR YOU. It gives you direction. So keep the parts that show what your goals are for you, and put it somewhere you will look at it to remind you of your goals. But that's not of great interest to him. Secondly, stop saying he is not your husband. Emotions come and go, legal status is a lot harder to change. He is your husband whether he wants to admit it or not. He is your husband, you are his wife, those are your kids, and the two of you have to deal with it.

I will take a break and read the rest later.

[Lotus]

And get rid of the first paragraph about the song. It sounds like you are going to die, or fade off into the sunset. He's not going to be that lucky!

[Lotus]

I want to build a new, strong, adult marriage with you. To that end I am asking you to go to marriage counseling with me. You told me in November that our marriage is over. But I think such a permanent decision deserves honest evaluation of why it should end, what that does to each of us and our sons. I am willing to do everything in my power to do what is best for them and for myself.

I like this nugget. This is the crux of what you should say to him now. No more. Ask him to go to counseling. Do not demand the end of OW yet. ONE STEP AT A TIME. Get to counseling. OW will be discussed there. Then you will have the backing of the pastor or therapist to ASK him to drop OW. Yes, not demand.

My advice is, go get a nice card, something sweet, like to little kids kissing, with nothing on the inside, and put this, JUST THIS, inside it and sign your name.

And when he comes home, be happy to see him. Like the women welcoming their husbands home from war in the movies. Don't let him come home to a she-wolf who is about to devour him. You have a lot to make up for. You will not make up for it with words, only with CONSISTENT actions. So get nice, and stay nice.

[undefeated]

You're right, of course, about the length. Guess I was trying to say everything, which is w-a-y too much.

LOL, maybe he wouldn't get the song reference, but there is nothing morbid or defeatist about it really. The singer is talking about how this is the last effort he will make for the one he loves and then he's moving on. I thought he would get the idea since we both love oldies music...never saw it the way you did. One of many reasons I apply for editors.

By saying he's not my husband I guess I'm trying to convey that this is not a marriage, not a relationship. Yeah, the law says we're married, but that doesn't make him my husband. And love, IMO, has nothing to do with emotion. Love is a commitment. Being a husband and wife is very different than just living in the same house. He can't have me as his wife, with all the responsibilities and fringe benefits that go along with that until he is ready to be a husband - including all of the responsibilities and perks that go with the job description. So how can I rephrase to get that point across?

Because right now, no, he isn't my husband. He's just some guy I live with.